A
male
age
51-59,
*ing of pain
writes:My wife of 9 years (partner of 11 years)said she is emotionally numb after our last fight. We have 2 children boy and girl 7 and 5. We have had our fare share of fights but always seemed very much together. Our sex life was ok. She never had much drive but we maintained at least every 2 weeks. I have always been jealous with out reason. just always on the defense. I would say things that hurt her in anger. I could be a jerk.. but not all that much. We had a good fight at least every year that starts with me being upset and saying something stupid. Now she says this has built up to the point where she just gave up on us. We trying counseling but she is very negative . Yesterday was our 9th anniversary. I took her to dinner and surprised her with a romantic trip to key west. (where we were engaged). She cried and was shocked... but she later revealed she did not want to go because if it did not fix anything she did not want to see me hurt. She just is not sure, says we are not friends, we don't have anything in common. yet she does not want me to leave and still lets me sleep in our bed. She says she still loves me.But every thing is "I don't know"I am truly heart broken and devastated.
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male
reader, king of pain +, writes (19 July 2010):
king of pain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I found out Friday that she dropped the kids off at a friends and went to see someone. When I checked phone records it was my daughters 30 year old soccer coach. She has been spending hours on the phone. And messaging him. I confronted here and she said there is no sex involved
.he is just someone she can talk to. He is like a breath of fresh air and fun. After I left she started emailing and calling my family and friends to ensure them that they are only friends and she is not cheating on me this has bin going on for 3 weeks since our fight. What do I do now? My kids were heart broken when I left
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 July 2010):
Because it's true, I guess. She's a lost woman, but she still loves you. It's easy to hurt someone you love, knowing full well that they will still love you.
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A
male
reader, king of pain +, writes (16 July 2010):
king of pain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan't eat, can't sleep. I feel like my heart is being torn out. I can't make it through work. If some says that you hurt them so bad they turn cold...how can they say " I love you" while they completely crush you?
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A
male
reader, king of pain +, writes (16 July 2010):
king of pain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReturned to work today. No change on situation. She feels the same but she is carrying on like everything is great. She exercises in the morning ... laughs with friends on the phone. She keeps checking in on me to say relax and go have fun.
I still have the trip booked for next weekend. She says it would be a great trip...but does not want me to think it will fix things....
Tired. ...scared. ..emotionally drained and confused. Can I really keep loving someone who can give up on a marriage Ans family so easily? ???
..
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 July 2010):
You can't live with a room mate. She may be numb and upset, but if she's not offering love, at some point you'll have to leave. She can't expect you to sit there for the rest of your life not being part of a couple. That would not be fair of her. I think you can afford to give it at least 6 months. That's enough time for her to at least decide whether she wants to make a go of it, and for counselling to have some sort of affect. But if she's still feeling numb and not bothered them, then you need to make a decision. Both of you need to put effort in here. And there is no use in her sitting there saying she doesn't know what she wants, other than for you to just be there as a room mate. That wouldn't be fair of her. So, give it 6 months and see if there are any changes.
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A
male
reader, king of pain +, writes (16 July 2010):
king of pain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe says she is being honest. She just feels numb and does not know what she wants. She said that even if I changed it would be fake. Even if i tried to do the things she likes it wouldn't be real.
I am dying inside every day this goes on. At what point do I stop dying and start living. And can i truly start living with as a room mate?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 July 2010):
It is sad. But don't give up, because though she's feeling very down, she still loves you, and doesn't want you to leave. That means there is still something there that can be built upon. But it really is a case of explaining to her that you need her and would like her to be honest. And then you have to bit your lip and listen to everything.
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A
male
reader, king of pain +, writes (16 July 2010):
king of pain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you are spot on. I am just so depressed I can't seem to breath. She hugs me every now and then.. but the "i love you" is starting to fade. My 7 year old boy knows something is wrong ...even asked if having catch would make me feel better. It did. then the thought of our last catch in our backyard was reel possibility. Very sad..
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 July 2010):
I think this is something that has been building up for some time, probably longer than you realize. You've admitted you've been a bit of a jerk, and then you said 'not all that much'. Well, I hate to ask you this, but what you have been a jerk to her that much? She may not see it the way you do.
However, the good thing here is that she doesn't want you to leave, and has said she still loves you. That means there is hope, if nothing else. I think, for now, stick with the counselling. I think you should also tell her that you want her to be totally honest and open with you about what needs to change in your relationship. You may not like what eventually comes out, but you need to bit your lip and listen, rather than get on the defence. You're in the last chance house now, and she's the one holding all the answers. That means just about whatever she wants, she gets, and whatever she says, you need to listen to and take to heart.
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