A
male
age
51-59,
*hat to live for
writes:my wife and i have been married for 6 years, about a year ago she found out i had been lying to her about a drug add. we moved into my dad's free home to get away from area. i lost my work do to economy (contractor). she went back to work at chick-fil-a as a manager. during fist few months i noticed a change in her apperance, she took much time to look good. i started noticing things that were not right. she assured me of her trust that she would never cheat. for last 6 months i've tried to not see she still gets real pretty for work but never for me. she says she has no sexual drive. today she tells me she had sex with co-employee after work 3 times after work in the parking lot. the guy is no longer ther,been gone for 7 months. we have 2 children he is married with children too. says she hasn't spoke to him since, the guilt is why she told me. but 6 months latter she has still been over doing her appearance and no sex drive. 3 times over sevaral months. in are car. she regrets it but is still 'trying to change her self. help
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (29 June 2010):
 You're right, this does sound like a step in the right direction. And as far as not being able to get that visual out of your head? Use it. Use it to be a constant reminder to keep you on the path back to making things right. Mistakes were made. Would she have done that if you did some of the things you did? Maybe, maybe not. But if you want her to forgive you eventually, then you are going to have to do the same thing to her.
Again, things look like they are moving in the right direction now and I'm happy for you. But you two have a long road ahead of you. Stay focused on making it work and with time and patience.... it will.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, what to live for +, writes (28 June 2010):
what to live for is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok so this morning she brings the kids over, and i started realizing, all the lies i told, and years of no att. i told her i was sorry for askind the blont questions, started remembering all the things i was to change, and never whole heartedly did. also the feeling that all that shit was going to bite my in the a$@. i believe we took a step foward in the fact that we both need counseling. might be a stepping stone after all. but i still can't get images out of my head, and riding in the seat that they f&^%$#$ in. but i believe i can get a handel on it. she also quite her job.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (28 June 2010):
At this point it's not worth trying to figure out which is worse, cheating or lying about a drug issue. Sure, cheating is very bad, but sometimes a drug issue includes lying about money, etc so it's just not worth it.
The fact that she is convinced she is the victim after cheating is crazy. If you truly love her and don't want to lose her, then you need to tell her that. Tell her you are done with all of the questions and are willing to move forward from here and start fresh. Separate counseling isn't a bad idea, but you should probably do both. See the same counselor separately and also together. Sometimes people want to see separate counselors because they don't want their partner hearing certain things. Honesty is the main thing your relationship lacks right now so you two need to do whatever you can to gain that trust back.
Again, if you love her...then you're in a tough spot. Fighting her and her mom isn't going to help. Let her know you're willing to do whatever it takes to make things right between you two, but make sure you also get counseling as a couple.
If she continues to resist even after you show her you'll do whatever you need to, then there's a chance she's already gone emotionally. Whether she's still cheating or just in love with that person, it pretty much means she's done with your relationship...
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A
male
reader, what to live for +, writes (28 June 2010):
what to live for is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy wife thinks we need separet counsuling, and not sure if she told me as a way out. ithink it's over
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (28 June 2010):
You both have been keeping secrets from each other. You lied about your drug addiction, she cheated. You both can't continue like this. You need to seek help, as a couple. Yeah, what she did sucks.... but what you did was also bad, so I suggest looking at the point in your relationship as the "turning point" to make things better. Forgive each other, seek a marriage counselor, and get help together because right now neither of you really trust each other. That will just get worse as time goes on if you don't get help.
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A
male
reader, what to live for +, writes (28 June 2010):
what to live for is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell today i feel worse she seems tierd of my rollercoaster ride, and says that maybe i'm right in telling her i don'y know who she is, and that her feelings are that i probably don't want to take care of her. i don't think she is still cheating, i just don't know if she loves me or the whole miss me when i'm gone thang. she seems tired of my questions, and appears to be taking her mom's views. mom thinks she is the victim. is lying about a drug add the same as cheating?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 June 2010):
I may sound paranoid here, but I'm 50/50 as to whether she has stopped cheating or not. There's a thing called 'disinformation', where someone tells you something, but never the whole story. However, let's look at the facts.
The facts are she has come out and said that she has cheated. As the post below said, that is a good sign. She regrets it a lot. Of course, regretting something doesn't mean that it's stopped. She was also very clear about the times she did it, about the location and even gave you information about the man.
Of course, she still dressed up for work. That suggests that she is either still cheating, or that in all fairness she has decided to totally revamp her image to feel better. Or maybe it's a mask to hide how bad she's feeling.
Whatever the reasons, she now has to be totally open with you. There can be no secrets, and though again this sounds paranoid, it may be worth your time paying secret visits to where she works to see how she acts. She now needs to be open and honest, and you need total clarity. You also need to address the issues in your marriage. The reason for the affair is simple in my opinion. You lost your job, she got one, the stress got to her and another guy showed her an temporary escape. You'll find that's the reason. She's still in the wrong of course, but it at least gives you something to work with. You both need counselling, and she needs to be 100% open. And make it clear that if you find her cheating again, you'll walk.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (28 June 2010):
 The brightest point of this story is that she did come forth with the truth. So many people wait until they are found out, always just hoping that they never will be. So it's a very good sign, because it means she regrets what she did, and knows it was wrong.
If she couldn't handle the guilt of it the first time, chances are, she won't be able to continue doing it.
There is a chance she is still getting extra pretty for work, because that's what she's been doing for the passed several months. It would be uncomfortable for her to go into work looking like a bum again, don't you agree? Her lack of sex drive might just come from the guilt she is still feeling.
On the other hand, maybe she is still cheating on you. I really can't know, but I'm just trying to point out to you, that it's both possible she's lieing, and telling the truth.
It sounds to me like you're handling it just fine. Things like this are very tough, and the people involved are often overwhelmed with emotions and trust issues. You two have to get to know each other again, from a fresh start. Then you can work on chaning your relationship to make it better, and decreasing either of your chances of cheating on the other.
~SY
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): She's playing you man. I don't wanna go nuclear, but you have no choise... Divorce.
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