A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my wife and i met about 9 years ago. we were both getting out of serious relationships at the time. we are in our late twenties now. for some reason i didn't feel in love with her until 7 years after we were together. that is when we got married and had our fist son. i don't know why i stayed with a person for so long telling them i was in love but not meaning it. it was very unfair to her and i think this is all coming back to me now. in the first 5 years we were together i cheated on her 2 times and came straight to her both times afterwords and told her because i felt bad for my actions. i was always looking at other women right in front of her. i think i was this way because i wasn't that happy. i am such a moron now that i look back on it because i had this super beautiful woman right infront of me giving everything she had and i chose not to give her the time of day. she gave, gave and gave 100% and i didn't even care. i gave about 25%. when we had our 2 boys i realized that it was time to grow up and be the man that my wife and children needed. i was finally in love with my wife and tried so hard to be a good dad. i thought that my wife was happy because of the new man that i became. my wife and i could not afford the price of daycare for 2 kids so since she had a higher paying job we both mutualy agreed that i should stay home and raise the children. so, that's what i have been doing for the last 2 years. sometimes this can be a very stressful job. i never thought that taking care of kids would be this difficult but now that i have done it i have a lot more respect for all stay at home moms and dads. i still feel like i am not doing enough for my wife though. in my heart i think she wants a man that has a real paying job. a few months ago i could tell that my wife was acting different. then i realized that it was because she was having an affair. she claims that she only kissed the man. i never could tell if she was being truthful. i told her that if she had sex let me know because i feel that it's not right to take a persons choice away. she still swears it didn't happen. my wife and i chose to move on and start fresh. now when i'm around her she still seems different. she is very sarcastic and rude towards me and gives me very little respect. she told me last night that her two boys are all that matters to her. i asked her if i matter. she said that she only cares about my wellbeing and nothing more. she said that she isn't in love with me and sometimes doesn't even know if she loves me at all. she also said that i am not a gentlemen towards her and sometimes when she is at work a customer will open a door for her and she will think to her self,i wish my man was like that. what happened? did i lose her forever? how do i get this woman to love me again. i love her more than anything in the world but i think she hates me now. is this because i am up her butt to much? does she want the old me? the one that was a pig!! what do i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): I think you need to fess up and let her know what you just did now and try councilling let her know that you weren't into her those 7 years and don't sugar coat, don't be mean and don't mention the other women, she knows . What she needs to hear is that then you didn't love her but now you do.
This is what happened to me all the same and I started hating my husband until he admitted ok I didn't really think we would get married or live together so long. Then she needs something big that happened in your life to explain why you started loving her. Explain that your first son was a bit surreal but when #2 came that just shocked you into life, you went from feeling neutral and passive about everything to passionate and now you love her and the boys. Now be upfront about the job: don't go on and on on why you decided to stay home make is very short (2-3 sentences) and very toned down and factual so that she can totally express herself without feeling like she's being blocked by what you said. Then ask her what she thinks about the situation and what needs to be done, and don't let her get off with I like things like they are. Let her talk how does she see the family next year, in 5 years? Don't talk about leaving or loving her less even if she cheats on you she's been feeling controlled by you for the last 7 years that you've been ignoring her and now she feels that she's not being as controlled and therefor instead of being fearful of you leaving/ rejection and pain cycle she's experimenting with punishing you, not fun but that's what is happening. Next you need to find lot's of time to occupy you and her, like inviting friends over, going out to eat, jogging/ gym together. and also find stuff to do alone, give her that time alone (not abusively or controllingly) to start desiring you back all while letting her know you're 100% with her no matter how bad or mean she acts).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): It sounds like you made a change for the better and she was all for that..that you and your wife moved on to better times? Or did I read that wrong. It sounds like the change in her feelings became a big thing, when she was having this affair. So I think you should stop blaming yourself for the mistakes, you made in the past. Nothing and no one is perfect, you made mistakes but you have been trying hard to move ahead. You were open to change and you did it. Staying home and raising your children and being a good husband and father, was the best thing you could've done to keep your marriage and family--happy and strong
But I'm just guessing here but it seems to me, that your wife hasn't moved on to that 'fresh start' you speak of. I am seriously thinking here, that this 'affair' she had, with the other guy--really did have a shattering effect on her feelings for you. Basically, she allowed herself to get emotionally seduced and it's pretty likely, she had fallen for this other guy or fell for the fantasy of being, with a different man. Could it be that she had a taste of life on the other side of the fence, causes some women to realize they "are attractive and appealing" to others and they miss that attention. It makes them feel alive and worthwhile, again. I mean, if you cheated on her in her past..you have to understand what that must have did to her confidence. Women have a pretty tough time getting over stuff like that.
The trouble with this way of thinking, is a women will begin to fantasize way too much about her unfulfilled hopes of what she thinks she needs and she allows her sexuality to be, much too tied up in self-medicating herself by forgetting who she has at home.
All you can hope for is that she understand the huge mistake she made and how this affected her committment and love for you. If she is to save this family and not upend the lives of her children by walking away from their Dad, she must correct her feelings about her marriage, and realize the joy she has sitting at home, right under her nose. Ask her if she'll consider marriage counseling with you. Get right on it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Do you know sometimes women do prefer men that are rats and love rats. When the man is just too nice they lose interest and no longer care anymore. I think maybe your wife had put up with your behaviour and general indifference to her for such a long time that that is what she was used to. She then maybe met someone at work and no longer cared how you felt anymore. I don't think that a man looking after children at home is a 'lesser mortal' at all but I know some people look on others like that. I looked after the children for years and my husband was always resentful as if my work because it wasn't paid wasn't as valid or as good as his. Your wife has obviously looked elsewhere as presumably she felt starved of affection and attention for years. Speaking as a woman I like a man who I have to chase, one who is not that interested in me. As soon as they are all over me I am not remotely interested. My husband cheated three times and once I got over it I quite liked the fact that other women wanted him - weird I know. I think she has become indifferent towards you over time. The only way to sought this is to stop pandering to her and behave decently but not in a clingy annoying way. If you are able, a holiday for just the two of you somewhere really nice might help. It is a very difficult question and hard for me to answer as some of the issues you raise are like me and my husband who sadly is now my ex husband. I never cheated but i did not treat him well for about 5 years - I then changed but he was no longer interested however hard I tried and eventually he looked and chose someone else. All I can say if you want to keep her is keep mentioning the kids, your marriage and how much your family mean to you. Hopefully she will realise this and try to work things out with you. All the very best, I will be thinking of you.
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