A
male
age
41-50,
*icjob
writes:My wife has been revealed as a prostitute.Should I forgive her?We have been married for five years and have six children (blended family). I have felt our family to have been very happy, loving open and honest. We spend lots of time together, all school holidays with the kids, and holidays with just us. Eight weeks ago my wife got a job at what she told me was a project managment training centre (similar to her previous job). This job originated from her beeing listed in an acting agency; I think they groomed her because she met the owner(female) of the brothel at the filming of a documentry.To cut a very long story very short, I became increasingly suspicious that she was lying to me. This eventualy led me to confirming it to be true (by me booking her when she believed me to be out of town, and surprising her when she turned up to do a full service at a hotel on a man she though was a client). Deceptive yes; but I had to be sure and if I confronted her any other way she would have said she was their receptionist etc.Needless to say I am completely destroyed. We have spoken about it; and she seems genuinely very upset and sorry for her actions. She was bursting into tears for much of our talk. I love her very much and it was very hard not to reach out and give her a big hug and say everything will be ok; because I feel that it won't be ok and this might be the end of our relationship.We have invested so much into each other, our family and our home. I believe we both love each other very much, and we certainly both love the children with all our hearts; knowledge of this would be terrible for them.Every time I think of all the men she has been with; and what that must have done to her perception of men; and if I can every trust her again(will she do it again?) - I feel deeply sad and physicaly ill. Should I forgive my wife?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): It's not like she would of been doing it for pleasure
It's all about money
She has a big family to support
It's easy money
Exposing you to diseases LOL
Sex workers have a lower rate of std/stis ten any other person be size there regurly tested !
I work and my partner is fine with it
Many girls at my work are also married with kids
Our partners know we need money quick and easy, we have bills to pay and family's to support
A
male
reader, jicjob +, writes (10 March 2013):
jicjob is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have organised councelling; both for her individualy and us as a couple. For now she will stay with her mum, as I can't bring myself to share a bed with her at the moment. With time and councelling I trust everthing will turn out for the best; wether we stay together or not.
Thank you so much for the insightful feedback. Part of the problem is that we do have mutual children (5 and 3); not that I feel it would be any easier for the older children (15, 14, 12 and 10). Also I feel embarassed to talk to anyone about this, as if we did work it out any friend or family I talked to about it would know and I think this would make it harder; thank goodness for this forum. Thank you I am very greatful to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): Why should the OP's wife be forgiven? Because she acted sorry?
She got CAUGHT! What other way was she going to act? Why in the hell does it count for anything that she acts sorry in that scene?
There are big underlying reasons why she did what she did. Have they been discovered? Have they been dealt with? Does she even want to discover & deal with them? Does she even want to stop what she is doing?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): Thank you so much for the insightful feedback. Part of the problem is that we do have mutual children (5 and 3); not that I feel it would be any easier for the older children (15, 14, 12 and 10). Also I feel embarassed to talk to anyone about this, as if we did work it out any friend or family I talked to about it would know and I think this would make it harder; thank goodness for this forum. Thank you I am very greatful to you.
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A
female
reader, Pixie.Greatorex  +, writes (8 March 2013):
 This is a very sad situation for you both to be in and it gives me no pleasure to read...i guess the real question for me would be will time lead to subsequent forgiveness and the new formation of trust; this may be something that only time is able to provide you with the answers to. I suppose it starts with a willingness to try and on her part a genuine sense of remorse. This would take real strength and love on your part and i suspect that only time will tell if this is within you for this lady. If you sincerely want to try then maybe some couple counselling could be an option; after all this is not a normal position to find yourselves in and expert help may be a step in the right direction. It must be really difficult to hide all those emotions from the children and i'm sure you are doing the best you can with the circumstances. I think the best advice i can muster is that if in time this is not working and the forgiveness and trust is permanently frayed then have the courage to walk away as cleanly as you possibly can for the sake of all parties involved including your wife. There is no shame on your part for admitting that this is an obstacle you are unable to negotiate. Good luck with whatever you decide x
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 March 2013):
 Should you forgive your wife? I guess that depends on her reasons for working. It's my impression most prostitutes work because they need money, not because they find it sexually fulfilling.
Can the marriage be saved? Not without some professional marriage counseling. The fact you are asking the question suggests you are prepared to try to work through the crisis, but you and she will need a lot of work to resolve the issue, if the marriage can be repaired.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): I am sorry but how can you forgive her if she is doing this work? it is not like in her past and she has given it up, but actually she is doing it in the present.Besides the mental and moral agony, she is exposing you and your children to deadly diseases. If you don't have mutual children it should be easy to leave her.
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A
female
reader, Lautrec +, writes (8 March 2013):
A lot of this depends on what her reasons for doing this. And if you can honestly ever move past it. Her reasons are very important because they can be addressing issues within your marriage that you may or may not have seen. Is she not feeling satisfied in bed? Is it about money problems at home? Is it just that the thought of being able to sleep with other people is a turn-on for her, but she doesn't think you'd understand? There are a variety of issues that technically CAN be solved that the prostitution is probably a direct result of, but only if you truly can move past it. It's completely understandable if you feel like you cannot trust her again since what she ended up doing was deceitful and since she is the only person who truly knows if it's something she would do again, which she might if she doesn't feel as though the deeper issues in your marriage are resolved. It all depends on how honest you're willing to be with yourself, with her, and with how your marriage has been. It also depends on if you truly can let it go since nothing can be more damaging than one partner secretly resenting the other. Anyway, I'm young, never been married, and ridiculous, so I'm not sure if that advice is valid or if it will help at all, but I sincerely hope that you're able to work it out and whatever happens is for the best.
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