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writes:Iv,e been married for 10 years.About six months ago it became clear that my wife had developed strong feelings for another guy,a mutual friend.They had spent some time together though I'm pretty sure nothing pysical happened.I confronted my wife and the guy and we went through some traumas as a couple.We talked a lot and have got over it to some degree.The problem is I just can't forget it.It's made worse by the fact that we for various reasons have to keep seenig the guy and his wife,which stirs it all up again.My wife is clear that it's over and was nothing to worry about,but I still feel stuck and have a lot of resentment toward her and the guy.Can anyone help?Thank you. Reply to this Question
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reader, eddie  +, writes (7 September 2007):
 Pinkflower. I have it straight, trust me. I do think you're a little bit off though. In your case, you told a man of your desire for him. He told you it will never happen he told his wife and he told your husband. That man did the honorable thing and put everything on the table. You forced him to do that when you revealed your secret. He found himself in a position that he was not comfortable with. He could no longer associate with you on the same level without feeling guilty and disrespectful, as far as his wife and your husband is concerned. That is, because he could no longer consider you"just" a friend because of the information you gave him.
I'm sorry, but it sounds like you've got a bit of an obsession on a man who has tried to give you the hint he's not interested. It almost sounds like it borderlines on stalking. That is not healthy. How do you think he's going to react when you give him one more chance. I think he'll be angry.
I'm sorry to say but you call yourselves "good people" but you are acting in the opposite way. Based on the information that you provided, this sounds one sided to me. You're not treating your husband in a decent manner and you're really complicating this other man's life. It sounds like you only care about yourself.
I'm not trying to be mean but read all the things you've written here. It's all about you and what you want...despite the signals you've been receiving from the others involved. Tread lightly here, you've been treated with kids gloves so far but you're going to anger some people soon.
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reader, gk +, writes (7 September 2007):
gk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi pinkflower.Thanks for that.I have a little bit of advice,which may sound a bit wierd,so if it's no help just forget about it!You mentioned that you have only one life.My belief is different,that infact we have had countless number of lives which will continue in to the future.Now if you run with that idea for a moment,what it means is that,in those lifetimes, we have formed thosands or hundreds of thousands of relationships with different people.Now, it stands to reason that in our present lives we will sometimes meet these people again.These are people that we could of had very strong feelings for,or even loved them.Not just sexual love,they could have been sisters,brothers,mothers fathers,loving friends etc.I think sometimes when we meet these people,deep within our lives,we remember our previous relationship with them and these feelings can be confusing,or misenterpreted.Maybe your husbands friend is just such a person.You obviously have a deep conection with him,but what is the true nature of that connection.We naturally asume when we sense these deep conections with members of the opposite sex that they are sexual in nature,but I believe thats not always the case.When we correctley interpret our feelings for other people it makes us happy,when we get it wrong it tends to make us suffer.By the way I am partly aswering my own question in this reply,so thanks for that oppotunity.I don't know if thats been of any help.It's my belief,it may not be yours,so forget it if it's not usefull to you.Best of luck when you meet him again.Trust your life.G.K.
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reader, eddie +, writes (6 September 2007):
There are a couple of things I'd like to add. The way to prevent or minimize the chances of this happening again is to focus on each other. This way, any connection your mate might make with another person(to be expected) will pale in comparison with what you've got as a couple. Easier said than done....
You see, the person in the position of your wife, will argue with themselves that they are doing nothing wrong because they have no bad intentions. They feel the attraction but are quite sure they can resist. They enjoy the attention but reason with themselves that it's innocent. It's only innocent when it's spontaneous and unplanned. If she's out with friends and meets a guy who she's attracted to, so what. That's life and we're wired to feel attractions. If she goes there every night to keep seeing the guy, it's no longer a chance meeting but rather, a planned event. Your wife's mistake was allowing herself to get too deep.
If she had met him and thought he was GREAT, that wouldn't make her bad. Taking a step down the slippery slope was her mistake and what harmed your relationship. When she started spending time thinking about him, she was neglecting you. That is what hurts. You feel the resentment. She knew what she felt, did not plan to cheat but couldn't resist the urge to have her feelings validated. What she didn't realize was that spending her energy in this way was in fact making you look like a chump.
Once again, I say this, it's done. She probably doesn't understand why you feel so bad about it. What people don't understand is this. All the while you were being a good man/husband. Not possessive or controlling. When you find out you should have, been it hurts. The truth is your were correct. You did act in the proper way. You gave freedom and space. She chose to abuse it. It does not make you foolish for having done the right thing. IT makes her foolish for abusing your giving nature.
This does not make her rotten. IT make sher human. We're weak and fall for flattery. You can only hope she has learned form her mistake and seen what harm has been done. I hope she shows the proper remorse.
If you'd like to talk further, send me a private reply and I'll give you some more personal information that might help.
eddie
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reader, gk +, writes (6 September 2007):
gk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for that.You are right.I'll do my best to limit contact.Good luck with your situation.Your husband sounds like a great man,but you must be true to yourself.You loved him once,where did that love go.Mabey if you did get with your husbands friend,it would not live up to your expectations.We always want what we can't have,it's human nature.Anyway I believe we must confront our demons,however painfull,otherwise they end up ruling our lives.Good luck and thanks for your help.G.K.
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reader, gk +, writes (6 September 2007):
gk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eddie.
You have described my feelings and dilema exactley and helped clarify the nub of the problem.There is no vindication.So I either carry on seeking some and suffer,or let go of whats happened and move on.
I don't really actively look after this guy any more.It's just seeing him at meetings makes me wan't to punch his lights out!Don't worry,I won't do that.But it does re open the wound.I can't see a way round it in the short term.Long term we're moving to France(in a couple of years)which is hopefully far enough away!
Regarding the time they spent together.It was mainly at meetings and at social events.They were not alone,but they may as well have been,as they were always so engrossed with eachother.The guys an actor and my wife went to see his show TWICE with different friends.They spent time alone in his car on these occasions,though she swears nothing happened.She also had a drink alone with him after a meeting.I found out later that used to kiss on the lips when saying goodbye!When I confronted them together the blamed it on eachother,which was helpful!She says that he started this and that she wasn't sure what to do.I know she's a bit naive,but thats pushing it.She also used to talk about him a lot and was always inviting them round.When they did come round she usually spent the whole evening talking to him and me to hid wife,who I didn't really get on with.
Looking back on it I must have been stupid not to have spotted the signs earlier.
Thanks once again for your great advice.
G.K.
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reader, eddie +, writes (6 September 2007):
One of the basic rules of counseling or being in charge of others is to remove your personal life from the formula. You have a conflict of interest if you're dealing with someone who is in this situation with your wife.
In your first post, you said they spent time together. What was the situation?
Your wife's theory on why she was attracted to the other man is probably quite true. The fact you keep yourself in the mix is going to make this problem fester. You see, her feelings were not an illusion. They were real. He is real and your involvement with him is real. You go from feeling good to bad because you know you were wronged. The part of you that wants to forgive takes over in moments of peace and calm. When you get frustrated over something, the other side comes out.
Since you take your role in your temple and marriage seriously, you feel cheated and made a fool of. They carried on in front of others and left you in the dark. Now, they expect you to turn the other cheek and be the bigger person. Part of you wants to do that and another parts wants some sort of vindication. This is the hard part. It will never come. All you can do to find peace is accept that your wife's explanation is heart felt and true. She made a mistake. Try to relate it to a mistake you made. That may make it easier to swallow.
Do not be a martyr. If what happened is no secret, pass this person along to someone else. He violated your marriage. You're not married to him so you do not owe him the same level of respect. Let him find his guidance somewhere else.
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reader, gk +, writes (6 September 2007):
gk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi.
Thanks every one for there replies,I do appreciate it.
Just to clarify a few points.Eddie,"it"refers to the feelings that my wife had for this guy,she has openly addmitted that she did have these feelings,though she denied anything was going on at first.I do take your point though.His wife does know about it though they seem to have dealt with it better than us.He has had an affair before so his wife must be very understanding,or stupid.Any way they have just had another baby.
As to why we have to keep seeing this couple.My wife and I have been practicing Buddhism for many years now.We hold local meetings and events,which I,due to my length of practice,am partly responsible for.Part of my responsibility is actually looking aftr the guy in question!Great!You can imagine how difficult this has been.But my practice and my responsibilities are something that I feel passionately about and I cannot or will not just walk away from these.I have felt humiliated at times,especially as other people,who are very suppotive I should add,know about are problems.Thisis one of my reasons for feeling resentment.Why HIM and why THERE.I suppose we don't choose who we develope feelings for.
I have been divorced already and have a 13 year old son from that marriage who I see all the time.I also have a 3 year old from this marriage, who I adore.I don't think I could I could go through another divorce.
I should say that, for the most part, my wife and I have had a great and loving relationship.Which of corse makes it all the more painfull.Prior to her developing feelings for this guy, however,we had been going through difficuties.Ten years off marriage,a new baby,my wife also developed health problems after the birth of our son.She was low and feeling unloved and unatractiveand this guy came along at the right time,or wrong time,depeding on your point of view!She now says that her feelings for him were just an illusion.She was flattered by his attentions and let it go a bit far.That is was actually a transferance of feelings from our marriage and the poblems that we were goin through,and that she is naive when it when it comes to men and there intentions,but has learnt a great deal from this experience.She says she loves me and is committed to our future which I do believe.
The problem is ,as I said in my first letter,I still feel stuck.At times I think I've got a great wife,she loves me,everyone makes mistakes,just get on with it.At other times I feel lied too,cheated on,and that I can't see a way through this.
Any way.Thanks for all your help and advice.I hope I have answered some of the questions that you raised.
Cheers
G.K.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): Why do you need to be contact with these other people. If you need to say anything to them then make it via email. Push them further and further into the background. I don't think you will ever know the truth and personally i just wouldn't want to. If you decide that you two are going ahead and are going to make a go of it then i wish you well. BUT I do think you deserve better and you have been served a very raw deal by someone who is supposed to love you. I was married for 20 years and my bloke did this to me three times, sorry but leopards never change their spots. I have a gorgeous bloke now who i know would never do that to me. He had it done to him by his previous wife, twice. So think on. You only live once so why should your life be this way. Personally i would of kicked her out! Get them people out of your lives.Take care and i wish you well. Keep in touch if you want.xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): I have been married for 13 yrs now - and have 2 chidlren - and recently found out that my wife had cheated on me not once but twice - in both cases she claimed NO sex had taken place ONLY KISSING - yet in her emails that I spied on I see it differently - she had too been falling DEEPLY into these two men - and when I threathened to leave her she begged me not to and that ALL was over with them - she said she completely broke it off with both men and has NO FEELINGS at all for either.Your wife like mine will always feel for the person they cheated on with - wives cheat mainly for emotional reasons than physical ones - to me this is worse cause having a wife that is falling in LOVE with someone besides me is a much bigger hurt and is taking away her love from me - I dont BELIEVE my wife anymore nor will I ever TRUST her again - and YES I think your wife will always CARE for this man - you will NEVER forget the pain it will always be there - and in the back of your mind you will always be worried that something like this will happen again.All I can say is if you love her and are still in love with your wife and children are involved then you may have to bite it and continue to live like this - over time you will slowly heal and the pain will fade some. Good LUCK - be brave.
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reader, eddie +, writes (5 September 2007):
If your wife is clear that "it" is "over", then there was something to worry about. That is because there was an "it". The word "it" means there was a something.
Where and when did they spend time together? Were they alone? What was you clue something was wrong? What did they say when you approached then about it? Why do you have to keep seeing this other couple? Does his wife know? She should...if "it" was nothing to worry about.
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