A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some help. I've been married for 2 years now and to this day my wife's past is constantly haunting me. (I have a clean slate I’ve only been with my wife, no one else.) My wife and I dated for 4 years before we got married she was 17 and I was 15. My wife has had sex with 4 people other than myself, she was only dating one of the guys and the other 3 were not one night stands they were ongoing sex relationships. She has given oral sex to many people I don’t even know the exact number. This is killing me inside and I find that it makes me so angry that sometimes I take it out on my wife. I know this is in the past but only until recently have I started having this constantly haunt me. I am in the military and I came back from a 7 month deployment a few months back and to my surprise one of the random guys that she use to have sex with is in her new group of friends. Now this wouldn’t bother me I don’t think but before we got married we took a month brake and during that month brake she ran back to this guy and started having sex with him again. I don’t know what to do.. I try so hard to let the past go but I just can’t. If anyone could give me advice on what I should do I would really appreciate it. Thank you all for your help..
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (25 August 2008):
 If it's not too late to jump into the fray...
It all comes down to respect. I commend the respect you show your wife. However, is she reciprocating that respect? Does she not realize that hanging around with a guy who clearly does not respect the boundaries imposed by marriage creates a great deal of tension and sows the seeds of mistrust?
These are questions you should discuss with your wife. But communication is two way street and you should not fear expressing your feelings on the matter to your wife. If she blows off your legitimate concerns as immature jealousy then tell her that she is being disrespectful to your marriage and give her a chance to reflect and respond.
Your instinct about not beating the crap out of the guy is right because she doesn't mind him being around. But the second she tells you he's being a pest I wouldn't blame you for taking that opening to repay him for his disrespect.
You're doing a good job so far. Good luck and take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question(A reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008):
Of course you should not take this out on your wife BUT if this guy has had sex with your wife in the past and you are not around for months at a time then HE is at the very least thinking about it.
I'm assuming that you are in pretty good shape. If I were you I would be thinking about creating a scenario or pretext to give this guy a good beating just as a preventative measure. He has had his chance in the past and she has chosen to be with you. You are the Alpha male in this scenario. Make sure he knows it.)
I love that answer... i wish i could do that but my wife would kill me.. This guy is no where even close to being in the shape i am i would really do some damage believe me i really thought about that. When i was home on leave this guy was trying to provoke me by playing songs about guys getting cheated on also he made a few comments that really were out there. Since he has been comming around i've been getting really angry and snapping at little things my wife says, i would never hit her don't get it twisted i love her with all my heart and i would do anything for her, its just this guy, when he is around all i can think of is them 2 together and it drives me crazy. I work out a lot trying to let go of all the anger and hate i have but it always comes back when i see his face. I work out in the gym and the ring almost everyday except saturdays and sundays i would destroy this guy but thats not the answer i have to control my feelings.. If it ever came to blows with this guy i know my wife would just get upset with me and thats the last thing i want.. Thanks for everyone responding i really appreciate all the help..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): Of course you should not take this out on your wife BUT if this guy has had sex with your wife in the past and you are not around for months at a time then HE is at the very least thinking about it.
I'm assuming that you are in pretty good shape. If I were you I would be thinking about creating a scenario or pretext to give this guy a good beating just as a preventative measure. He has had his chance in the past and she has chosen to be with you. You are the Alpha male in this scenario. Make sure he knows it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): Why did you marry so very young?????? Why did you choose her and not another woman? Do you love her and does she love you?You knew her past before you married her. So what did you think of her past befor? Why did you still marry her? She had 4 other guys while you were already dating (even so, it happend while you had a break). So why didn't it bother you befor? Did you think she will change as soon as you are married? You married her and not someone who will change - because she won't. Never expect your marriage partner to change one day, either you love her as she is or you don't! And if you want your marriage work, you have to sit down with her and talk about everything and go an see some marriage counselling!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the quick response. I would rather my ego be hurt as apposed to losing her she really completes the puzzle if you know what i mean...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): So I wonder, is the issue that she is friends with this guy more of a huge worry, than her past relationships? I have a feeling, you may be able to let go of your wife's past, otherwise you wouldn't have married her, in the first place. Because if you couldn't let go of her past, then I will ask..why the hell did you marry a woman you can't trust? Trust is a core building block of all marriages. Without it, you wouldn't have much of a marriage, would you. It sounds like you don't trust her to be loyal to you.
So about this guy your wife socializes with. I thinks she's doing something wrong. I'll tell you why. I believe that when a a man and a woman are married, neither person should engage in behaviors or social interactions with others, that could bring unease and suspicion into the marriage. A lot of marriage partners will claim they can be individuals, so thus they have the freedom to be friend's with whomever they please. Not true. While she may be her own person, you both are bound to each other in marriage and the two of you are now a solid unified team...a partnership. And she needs to understand that her actions are hurting you. You need to communicate to your wife maturely, calmly and with clarity, that you disagree with her actions, in seeing this other man, socially. You need to tell her how exactly it makes you feel.
After you and she discuss this, tell her you and she she need to build the honest communication skills in this marriage so the complete trust can be in place, so you both can move ahead into happier times. Trust builds intimacy. The only way to build that is through complete honesty and truth. Tell her how her friendship with this man, this makes you feel.
As for 'getting so angry that you take it out on your wife'...stop lashing out at her for something she cannot go back and change. Get your anger under control..you have no right to treat anyone like that. Her past is done-over with-quit make her pay the price that your prideful ego can't tolerate. This is your issue, not hers. And if you keep this up, you will lose her for good. I suggest individual counseling and anger management if you find it's getting out of control.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): Why did you marry so very
young!!!!!!!!!!?
Why did you choose this particular woman?
Does this woman love you?
You knew her past before you married her. You must honor your marriage and give her the benefit of the doubt. Just because she had sex with these men before marriage does not mean she will indulge in sex with them now.
But as a couple you need to talk to a Pastor, counselor or someone dealing with marriage issues.
Be sure to let her know of your concerns..
God Bless.
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