A
male
age
36-40,
*otseekingrevenge1150
writes:TLDR: Both in our 30s. Together almost 20 years (high school sweethearts). WW had an affair with our pastor since lead-up to Christmas.There are many many layers to this affair, and I guess I'll try to keep it somewhat vague. WW applied for a secretary position at our church a couple of years ago. I encouraged this and thought the idea was wonderful. The pastor and his family were very close with us, and I absolutely adored his kids and their family. She ended up being offered the job, and would be working closely with the pastor for the next couple of years.Fast forward to around this time of last year at Christmas. I noticed something felt a bit off between the pastor and my wife. I ended up confronting my wife, and she assured me that they were "just friends". Yes, I know now ... "just friends" is a red flag. But I trusted her and trusted him... There couldn't possibly be anything else going on... plus she was around 12 weeks along with my child...Weeks later, I ended up discovering evidence of an emotional affair. I confronted my wife... Confronted the pastor... And informed his wife... While this was all pretty devastating, it felt as though there was genuine remorse. We all discussed how to proceed, and decided that since our families were so intertwined we would allow the friendship to continue... I'll admit, this was absolute tortute, but I didn't want to feel like I was the reason our families were ripped apart (I was putting a lot of the blame on myself) . The friendship did continue with "full transparency"... As you can probably guess the affair continued in secret.The real dday followed about 2 months after all of this. I discovered the secret email exchanges that was occurring... the meetups at my house while I was at work... with the 2 people I considered to be safe. The emails were proof that it had evolved into a physical affair.We are trying to reconcile... it's been tough. There has been no contact with the pastor and his family since Dday, and my wife is showing genuine remorse. It breaks my heart that our kids lost their best friends... and I miss their kids dearly. We have been in MC together and IC.Final Dday was about 10 months ago. The part I'm having the hardest time with is physical intimacy... touching, kissing... sex. We used to be very sexual together... But I still picture them together in my home... in my bed... I have not reported him... Reporting him would not only hurt him, but his family too. He is the primary earner, and I don't want to see his family suffer for his choices. His kids are good people, his wife's a good person.We live in a small town in a Great Lakes state. Not a podunk town but certainly not the big city either.The sort of town where everybody knows almost everyone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2022): It is up to you. I am so sorry this happened. But I have known of various pastors who have preyed on their congregation either nagging them to have sex with them, or insisting they love them and telling them sweet nothings, very often when the woman is low and sad about something awful and vulnerable.
I got involved in a case where a middle aged woman's husband had died, she was devastated and had no family or local friends for support so turned to the church. This married pastor then bombarded her with how wonderful he thought she was, how pretty, how he had fallen for her, how he wanted to leave his wife (THEY WERE MUCH OLDER THAN HER) for her and promised her the moon. It was also interesting because she was very wealthy, a self made businesswoman, with a lot of property and savings and he was penniless with debts.
She would have made him a great catch but not sure how he would be much use to her when he was about twenty years older than her and penniless with debts. I met her when they had been carrying on like this for years.
She was at the end of her tether with lies and broken promises. Heartbroken, on anti depressants, anxious, not able to sleep. And he did not care one bit.
All he cared about was persuading her to carry on seeing him like this. Some of these pastors make a habit of it.
No thought to anyone else, wife, whoever, they are all just conveniences. I did some digging and found out that he had done something very similar three times before with three other vulnerable women over the years. He had no remorse, all he thought about was himself.
So please do not fall into the trap of he cannot be that bad as he is a pastor. That would be very naive.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2022): Uggg coverups for religion again.You must tell that pastors wife.This pastor used his religion to get in your wife’s pants.How many other women has he abused his so called power on sexually? Your wife is more than not one of many.How you can keep satans snake and his family in your life I do not know.You do not have to forgive this you know. He should not be a pastor as a real man of god would never do this.I bet if you report him the women would come out the woodwork so to speak.Personally me I would not want that pastor or your wife anywhere near my children ever as they have no morals.This is not ok.You should be more angry.It is ok to divorce her as she as shown she is not committed to you at all.Kids are smart.If you think this will not affect how their future relationships go you are wrong.Better start saving for all the therapy they are going to need in the future.Have a backbone…Be a man.That poor pastors wife….her husband lies to her….you lie to her…your wife lies to her.Thou shalt not lie.Thou shalt not covert the neighbors wife.I would listen to god here.
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