A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel like my wife has gotten really boring when it comes to sex and fantasies. Everything surrounding it has to be perfect, even in fantasies. She suggested we watch porn together but because everyone in the video had to be the exact right level of attractiveness we ended up not doing anything. Even when we talk about sex and fantasies she has to make sure everything is exactly how she wants things. She can't just relax and enjoy things without bringing her tastes into things.Part of me feels like she's doing it on purpose to put me off because it's working. Because of how she is I don't even really fantasise anymore. In fact it's become such a chore that I often don't even feel like sex anymore.She's so boring. What can I do. I've tried talking to her about it and she swears blind she doesn't do that, but she always does. Even if I point it out while she's doing it she denies it. I feel like our sex life is going to be stagnant because things are never going to be the exact way she expects.If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this I'd be eternally grateful. I'm literally ready to give up on my sex drive.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2021): When you say she expected everyone to be the exact right level of attractiveness in the porn im guessing you were put out because she didn’t want the standard porn where the man is ordinary or even worse looking whilst the female is almost always gorgeous , done up and often considerably younger and fitter than the man . Seems she wanted someone she could be attracted to and you didn’t think that should matter
If this isn’t the case what do you mean by her needing them to be the exact right level of attractiveness
. Without knowing this no one can even guess at her reasons let alone accuse her of trying to make things difficult
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 December 2021):
 I think you might have hit the nail on the head.
She isn't really wanting sex (for whatever reason) so she complicates it as much as possible because she knows that will likely prevent sex from happening. It might NOT be done on purpose though.
Was she ever spontaneous in the bedroom?
Does she have some signs of compulsive disorder (OCD) as in everything has to be "perfect"? In other aspects of her life?
Maybe you could try to ask her for 30 days with no sex, no talk of sex, no watching porn. And then see how it goes.
In those 30 days, just show affection like, hugs, a pat on the rear, a rub on the arm. Give her a massage. Just keep sex out of it. Basically, you are SHOWING physical love without expecting sex.
It can often lead to jump-starting a libido. Because SHE all of a sudden feels like SHE wants it now that she "can't" have it.
For many people, porn DOES ruin the idea of sex and the reality of sex. Because PORN is fake.
As for what YOU can do, I have to ask. Do you take enough time on foreplay? Do you let her take the lead in the bedroom?
There is something else going on, I think. Something she isn't sharing. So it might also be a good idea to talk and see what is going on. You call her boring. Well, that is a mood killer for ANY woman to hear their partner thinks they are boring, it could BE why she tries SO hard to make things "perfect" and it ends up not panning out. YOU might be putting too much pressure on her to be your "slutty" wife in the bedroom when that isn't who she is.
How was the sex before marriage? When did it change?
I think it would be good if you could look back and try and pinpoint when it went from decent sex to this.
I'm not saying this is all your fault, it takes two to tango and it will take 2 to fix. For that though you two need to be able to TALK about it. I remember Uncle FA (Fatherly Advice) mentioned that it was easier to sit back to back with his wife when talking about sex in order to be able to be more open. Try it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2021): I'm a little unclear on your complaint. Does fantasy always play a role in sex with your wife?
As for porn, why don't you let her choose what to watch?
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