A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello all!I am almost 41 years old and I have been with my wife since 2001. There are still some things that thrill me about her, but often I wonder what I ever saw in her. She is lazy, drinks too much liquor, has let her good looks go, and alternates between being argumentative and feeling sorry for herself. I know a lot of these issues are "hers" and not "ours" but I find myself disgusted with her much of the time and I take it out on her in the form of verbal abuse. I know that's not right but I just get so frustrated with her! I don't mean to say I am physically disgusted with her. I still think she is a beautiful woman despite her weight gain which sent her from 100 lbs to 150 lbs. I mean I am disgusted by her as a human being. I don't mean to imply that she is a morally bankrupt person, but I just can't bear to engage in conversation with her half the time. She doesn't have much to say and she repeats herself often. It is painful for me to listen to. Before she was very engaging and intellectual and now her conversations are very boring. She doesn't have a job so there is nothing to hold her interest. She just sits around the house and drinks til she passes out every other day. Conversing with her is painful to me so I shush her up and of course she takes offense, but I expect more from her.I suggested we see a therapist and she agreed, but she is leaving it up to me to choose one. I showed her three that I wanted to interview based on their Internet presence and she doesn't like any of them. I am considering going alone. I know that somewhere under her depression and general malaise is the woman I fell in love with but I am getting tired of trying to seek her out. I feel like I have continued maturing as a person whereas she has regressed. If I met this woman today I would not consider dating her let alone marrying her. This all sounds so harsh, but I do love her. I know love is not enough so where does that leave us? We don't have kids because I was smart enough to see that she definitely was not mom material and I am okay with that as long as she is a good wife. However, to me she is (sad to say) more like a retarded step-daughter half the time. I am not sure how much is due to her drinking and how much is due to her other issues. I am not sure I care. Please help, because I feel trapped!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): HiYou sound very depressed yourself and at your end with all the trying. As you know, your wife is an alcoholic and things can and WILL get worse. I know only too well,I have lived with one. A few home truths are needed, tell her to come with you for help, and get off her lazy butt,and fight to stay alive. We are talking about fighting for life here, when we talk about alcoholism this is the road ahead and more. like I said, I have witnessed the results of alcoholism and the blood spurting out from the GI BLEEDS that doctor's can't stop. Your wife is fxxxxx if she does not try and help herself, and there aint nothing you CAN DO to change her addiction. As she is slowly dying, so are you. If she has not got that fight, then make her fight or you have no choice but to fight for your self and say goodbye...or you'll go down WITH HER.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 March 2014):
 I could have written this letter, 31 years ago.
Long story short; She wasn't going to revert to being the woman I'd married 15 years earlier... I was going to endure the woman she'd become.... so we went on our separate ways....
Good luck to you.....
P.S. I believe her life went on as it was.... mine got a darn-site better!!!!
P.P.S. When we divorced, she got a larger share of the financial pie..... but I was quickly back in a good position....
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 March 2014):
 I ran the symptoms you mentioned through the symptom checker app at webmd.com. http://symptoms.webmd.com/default.htm#introView There were a number of conditions that may be responsible for your wife's condition, besides the apparently obvious abuse of alcohol. The point is that your wife is self-medicating using alcohol and there may be a very real physical cause behind it.
Get her to a good doctor and have a thorough workup and physical done for her. That would be a great gift to her future health and well-being, as well as possibly saving your marriage.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 March 2014):
Finding a therapist is a good idea but I think a better one is to take her to a good doctor. Some of the symptoms you mention sound suspiciously like early-onset Alzheimer's. If it IS depression and not a physical brain problem then there are treatments that can help.
If I were you and sincere in your desire to help your wife, make her an appointment with her GP as soon as possible.
And you are a good man to try to help as much as you can. I hope she is able to reach wellness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): I think your wife is a prime-candidate to attend AA; in order to be around other people suffering from drinking problems. She has to be able to relate, in order to feel comfortable. Most people fear being judged by a therapist. She is making excuses not to go. You have to concentrate on your own well-being first. You still have to work, pay bills, and stay in control of your temper. Your general health is in jeopardy.
There is no question of how she is damaging her brain, liver, and other vital organs.
Alcoholics Anonymous may be different for her. There is nothing for her to be ashamed of, and no one will judge her.
She must rebuild self-esteem. She will require a step-program that sets a goal and she can journal her progress. If you're in the U.S., your healthcare plan should cover a variety of treatment programs.
I feel very uncomfortable about your verbal-abuse. I really feel the choice of the adjective "disgusting" is a very demeaning and aggressive word to use in reference to your wife. The frustration must be enormous, I know. However; there is a point when you must consciously control the anger, and select your words. Angry words do a lot of damage. Even exacerbate the very problem you're so upset about.
Begin anger management for yourself immediately. The anger could manifest into violence. That is why I feel so concerned about the choice of words you're using; and the amount of frustration and mounting impatience behind them.
I know the post is a written-expression of how you feel. You have to diffuse some of the anger in order to maintain composure during her drunken-episodes; pending counseling and professional intervention.
It may be necessary to bring other family members together to form an intervention to encourage her to seek the help.
She is going to dance around it; because if she is drinking too much, she may already have an addiction to alcohol.
If it runs in her family, she has a predisposition to alcoholism; and she is going to delay treatment as long as she can. You'll be taking away her medicine and the anesthesia for her suffering. That's not going to go over easy, and she hasn't admitted to herself she needs help yet. Then there is the depression. Alcohol is a depressant.
People think that it has the opposite effect.
There are other realities to deal with. How damaged is the marriage up to this point; and does she want to save it?
Aside from being out of work, what major event triggered such a decline?
Was it a gradual disintegration, or were there warning signs always there? Are you aware of her dysfunctional family-history? Did loss of her job simply plummet her into this despair? There is an underlying reason you did not explain in your post. It didn't just happen out of nowhere.
You may have to leave her, if she refuses to seek treatment.
People suffering from drug and alcohol-abuse often have to hit rock-bottom; or lose something precious to them, before they commit themselves to rehabilitation. They try to force others to deal with their problem, and they can be very stubborn. Their lives revolve around their drug of choice.
Little else matters.
Seek your own counseling immediately. Do not delay finding help for yourself; so you can function under these conditions; and not resort to behavior that may be harmful or out of character.
Verbal-abuse leads to threatening and violence. Alcoholics can drive you to drink. You don't want things to reach a point where law enforcement comes into the picture. Arguments do spiral out of control; because you are under serious pressure and frustration. By the wording of your post, you are reaching your saturation point.
If she doesn't submit to rehab, seek a divorce attorney and let her go. You cannot continue your marriage; if she doesn't get treatment, and you have such an opinion of what she has become.
My best to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): It doesn't sound harsh, it sounds perfectly understandable. There is nothing more disgusting than a person that has just given up on themselves and life, and smells like piss and alcohol. Alcoholics are literally the most disgusting of addicts. If I never have to smell that piss/alcohol mix ever again it'll be too soon.
The one mistake you're making here OP is you know that these issues are hers but your solution is to both go to therapy together, that's not the solution I'm afraid and if you think about you can see why. It sounds like you want to be there so you can fix her too, not going to happen and therapy isn't what she needs she needs addiction counselling to get off the drink first. Therapy is 100% useless if she's just going to be drinking. How many times have you had "the talk" with her? In my experience it's literally the only thing alcoholics talk about, them, how much their life sucks, how badly they want to stop and they agree every time that they do need to stop but nothing happens. So until she properly quits, nothing can be fixed.
OP this woman needs a lot of help but all you can do is point her in the direction. Contact your local alcoholics groups, research them a bit to find the right one and just point her in that direction. But also discuss with them counselling for you alone on how to deal with the situation, they do offer support services for family members dealing with this too. OP it's important you understand that this is not a problem you're facing as a couple like the loss of a child or something, this is a pair of individual problems and they need to be dealt with that way. You're not going through the same thing here so going together and having you hold her hand is not her fixing things, and frankly she doesn't need to sit there with you in therapy while you list all the ways she's become a disgusting person to a stranger, guess the first thing she'll want to do when she gets home from a session like that?
It's also time you started looking at an out and set yourself some limits in terms of time. I'd give her one chance, I;d give her a time limit of two weeks to sort her shit out and start getting help. I'd start mentally and practically preparing for the end of the marriage but I'd do it covertly so she doesn't just think it's too late but you can be damn sure when those two weeks are up the marriage would be over unless she's on the road to recovery I'm very strict when it comes to conditions like that I don't falter.
Honeypie is right though, OP, no verbal abuse, no criticism, nothing like that. Remember how you've been acting towards her, good and bad, has done nothing to help so it's time you changed tack.
Finally, OP, I hate to break it you but the woman you fell in love with that you think could still be inside her may also be dead and buried never to return. Some people while they may become clean and sober, may find a way to defeat their depression and get their shit in order never return to being who they were. So prepare yourself for that eventuality, she may end up a dry drunk.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): I think from your description she is depressed and disappointed with her life. You say you still love her but do you show her this love? Do you kiss and cuddle and have sex with her? because that is one of the major causes of conflict in long run marriages. Do you yourself suffer from erectile dysfunction?I am not putting the blame on you but it is useful to do some soul searching on your part to get down to the root of her problems.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 March 2014):
 I would start by doing two things. 1. find a therapist or counselor YOU like and start going. She might have agreed to it but she is now backtracking, because she either isn't ready to work on herself or she isn't over her self-enforced pity party.
2. Stop with the verbal abuse. There is no excuse for it and you know it. Even if she is behaving in a way you do not condone, appreciate or understand. Trying to get her to "snap out of it" by abusing her verbally doesn't work, most women retreat further into their shell - in her case, bottle - when trying to deal with an abusive partner.
It's been 13 years of marriage, when did it start to take a turn for the wore with her? Did she get laid off? Lose a child, lose a close relative? Did she have any kind of mental health issues that you know off? Something started her down that road of drinking & not caring. Does alcoholism run in the family? (hers I mean).
She could be suffering from a severe depression (it kind of sounds that way) and her way of "medicating" is alcohol. The thing with depression is, you can pretend it isn't there, but that ONLY makes it works. Others can "try" and help you, but until you (in your case, your wife) are ready to GET help, others can't MAKE you or really HELP you.
Then you need to figure out how much more of this you are willing to deal with. Because unless she ADMITS to herself that she has a problem, that she needs help and that SHE actively SEEKS help, nothing will change.
In this case YOU NEED to put yourself first.Maybe the counselor can help you with some tool in how to motivate her to seek/get help, but there is no guarantees, if she isn't willing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): You're disgusted that a woman you verbally abuse and silence is no longer a thrilling conversationalist? Maybe you could see separate therapists so she can actually say how she feels without you jumping down her throat and you can work on not being such a dick.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): Hang on a sec. You didn't have kids with her because YOU were smart enough to realise she was not mom material? Did you read your post before you wrote it because you don't come across very well AT ALL. Maybe she drinks and is depressed because of how you treat her. Maybe she wanted kids and now she regrets being with you because it sounds to me that this "retarded step-daughter" you speak of your wife was in fact something you created. I hope she sees sense and leaves your sorry ass.
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