A
male
age
41-50,
*sper1
writes:hey guys thank you for your advice. My wife and I have just recently fought over the fact that when she goes out she wants to grind on other guys while dancing. she hasn't gone out alone since last summer. She is not some crazy party girl but the fact that she doesn't restain from that behavior when she's with her girl freinds kills me.( I mentioned this before). we have a wonderful relationship. we are like best freinds. we do everything together. we have so much involved together,kids, house. the monitary items arent the only good things about her she is intelligent,beautiful, fun, funny oh did i mention she's Hot if i could have sex with her every day i would. She is a better mother to my children than my own mother was to me.she is a bit inexperienced in life i was her first for everything. date, kiss, sex,. i taught her how to drive. i was her whole life when we were younger i was very social i would be drunk hung over whatever and she was cool. now that we're older im changing im calming down. Shes changingthe issue is one of many because since she became a professional she wants to be more social outside of our family which is fine its just what kind. We had a big blow up that messed up our relationship for a while. she was secretly getting to know a male co-worker. She lied to me about there conversations and developing freind ship. Until i called her out on it with proof did she finally admit. (also she admitted she enjoyed the attention) she would delete messages and calls became deceptive. when it comes to her relationships with other men she has declared that have no right to dictate how she should have them. She feels that im suffocating her. also no matter how i try to make her feel attractive she thinks that i have to tolerate her because were married yet i think shes more aatrctive than alot of women imeet. ive proven that to myselfits like she never got to expolre her wild side and i feel that u cant do it now. Her sexual imagination is crazy. like a fantasy of hers would be to swap partners.(aint happening) she dosent understand her sexuality. Its complicated because iadore my wife. We have such a great life that people are even jealous of. i dont know what to do while she goes thru this phase.Oh sorry so she went out with her girlfreind this weekend and i kindof lost it. my paranoia drove me crazy. so i started a fight and she felt that i have no right to stop her from going to a dance club even if she will grind on other men. Her response is that its only dancing nothing else. Its her decision to commit to me. she says that she would never jepordize us. but i feel that behavior will. shes not talking to me and i feel lost.unfortunatly ive invested so much of my self to my family that i feel thats were im fulfilled where she feels thats not right of me to do. It shouldnt just be family. she wants a social life. many of her co-workers are young professionalls living life making good money.so to conclude how do i make this work p.s. sorry if i write scrabbled i put it together as it came. thank you; confused
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female
reader, PrettyGreenEyes83  +, writes (17 June 2012):
 I think it's pretty rude to call this a ''mid life crisis'' I'm 29 and when I am 30, I will NOT be middle aged and frumpy. Just because you're no longer 20 why should you become boring? I feel sorry for the OP on having to deal with this, but I too, am in a stifling relationship with my OH. Why should she become boring and set in her ways? I still like to have fun. Life doesn't suddenly end at 30, you know.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): i feel for you in this situation my friend.i went through this a couple of years back, didn't smother, trusted her, accepted that she needed space and we were a modern and mature couple...needless to say she cheated on me and the whole thing became about how she had missed out on clubbing/nights out with the girls.i personally would be most unimpressed if my partner felt she could only enjoy a night out (without me) by dancing in a sexually suggestive way with random men.i gotta say that you have discovered her being deceitful about being in regular contact with another man (a friendship you have been deliberately excluded from, even to the point of its existence) that i would have thought this would have caused her to lose her grinding privileges.for me, this would be the point when i would be expecting her to demonstrate that she isn't considering straying and that she does want to be with you. not continuing to argue that she deserves to behave as though she is single when not in your presence.it has to work for you both, compromise is the key. you should have a serious conversation with her about her intentions and behaviour. listen to what she has to say, don't use it as an excuse to have a go at her, you need to find out where she thinks her relationship with you is at.best wishes
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A
male
reader, vsper1 +, writes (8 June 2012):
vsper1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much guys for your help. just to let you know she's willing to let me go out. she's not jealous at all. she knows how nasty i can be and she cant handle it. im starting to accept the fact that i wont win in this situation.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 June 2012):
 First of all, married people can have good social lives! In fact, it's essential to retain separate hobbies and some separate interests, as it keeps the marriage fresh and lively.
That being said, there is a fine line here. She shouldn't be deceptive about her contact with other guys. There's nothing wrong with a platonic friendship as long as everything that's said would be said in front of a spouse.
You said that she just now got professional?? Is it possible that you're feeling like if she got too independent, that she's going to ditch you? Was the nature of her association to this guy sexual? Was she being disloyal?
I think you should tell her that you trust her going out as long as she doesn't do something with a guy that she wouldn't want to see you doing with a girl. Dancing isn't necesarrily grinding, nor is it automatically grinding.
Her behavior is showing something here. You hit it partly -- she's looking for something she's not finding in her marriage. It could be excitement, or social interaction, or even something new. Have you ever gone with her dancing? Did you see her grinding on a guy? Maybe you should get a babysitter and take her out!
Disloyalty should never stand. But at the same time, you can't smother her either.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): There is issues on both sides. One, you don't trust her enough and she knows that. Two, she hasn't given you much of a reason to trust her when she goes out if she's going to grind on other guys on the dance-floor.You're being smothering and she's being about as disrespectful as you can be outside of cheating.It's the fact she hid her conversations and deleted messages and hid her personal relationships with others from you that concerns me most. She would not have felt the need to do that if she didn't think it was wrong.She is going through what most people assume guys all go through at her age... mid-life crisis. When they are too old to be in a club full of teenagers without seeming creepy and wanting to know if anyone else finds them attractive.I can understand that. It's natural. She's looking back and questioning whether she took the right path through life... and the thing is... there is no right path.Perhaps it is 'just dancing' but in such a sexually suggestive manner that it's really unfair on the guys who assume she might be up for a one night stand.You need to tell her one thing... that you want to go out with your mates and grind with women as well. Tell her you feel you have not been wild enough in your youth and now want to re-capture that and if she isn't going to be around to make that a reality then you have to do the same as her.I bet you she'll turn into super-bitch so fast... or hell, don't be polite. If she wants wild, then fine... turn up on her night out with her friends and just grab her onto the dance floor and start grinding. Make your sex as manic and wild as can be. Give her what she's seeking with these strangers. Be spontaneous and even suggest going out and pretending you don't know each other so you can re-create that one-night stand feeling.But also... tell her you don't want her to feel she has to hide friendships from you and that she needs to understand how that made you feel, how suspicious it looked and what she would think if you just started doing the same.That's all I can think of. Best of luck.Flynn 24
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