A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 32, and my wife's 31; been together for 9 years now. We have a 5-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter.Last night she told me she had something to confess; I asked her what it was, and she admitted to me:"Our 4-year-old daughter isn't mine, someone else is the father".I could have blown up, got angry, but it's not in my nature, so waited and listened to find out why."I had sex with a 62-year-old man whilst you were away on a business trip in August 2009, I was overly high on alcohol on a girls' night out and ended up sleeping with him, and I regret it. Damn regret it. You were on a business trip at the time, away for 4 weeks, i was lonely and sexually frustrated, and I didn't want to keep using the damn vibrator." [I indeed was, over to the UK, as I work for a major automobile manufacturer who assembles vehicles here for export to the U.S. and Mexico]. She's been a loyal wife to me, and when I was off work for a few weeks due to food poisoning, she looked after me - the in sickness, in health vow coming into play - I felt a bit low about not being able to do things, but she helped me not to worry.Despite this "one-night-stand", I forgive her, she at least had the decency to own up to it, even if it was a few years ago. She also said she wouldn't normally do this, she was so under the influence because it was a friend's birthday party AND a colleague's retirement party as well!!My wife then said "The man lives locally, but hasn't seen her for years, I'm not sure if he knows of her existence or not, though, but he knew I was pregnant."I still love my daughter, as far as I'm concerned she's mine, maybe not biologically, but she's still mine, the man who gave birth to her doesn't know her, and that I'm her father - without being arrogant about it.I'm an active father as well as businessman, did my fair share round the house, my son's sort of become a "mini-me" version of me (I didn't teach him, he learnt by watching me - hell, he's even asked if he could have an "I-tal-yenn suit" like mine - he meant Italian, and tries copying me). I let my wifesocialise with women friends, but she has somegirlfriends, but their socialising consists of eating out rather than partying, most of her friends are either women in their late 50s with grandkids, or her lesbian friends as well.I've decided to forgive my wife, as for me marriage is something to work at, I'm following the "life's-too-short-you-only-get-one-shot-at-it" principle; we've only really had silly arguments in the past, e.g. which route to take, price of food and drink, etc. but nothing like this.My wife also admitted she thinks the man doesn't pay child support, and won't, either. Also, considering his age, should he be pursued for child support?I'm wondering; what's the best way for us to act now, how to handle this situation? Do you think there'll come a time in the future when our daughter has to know I'm not her real dad at all?I'd appreciate any advice you could give us, this situation is worrying me, and I'd like to know how you would cope with this situation, as it's a little bit different than the usual 'man-cheats-on-woman' scenario. I hope I've explained everything.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 February 2013):
 if the affair was 8/09 the baby was born 5/10 the child will be THREE this year...
so maybe the dates are off...
either way this is my take on this is exactly what SageOldGuy said...... every word of it
anyone can produce and be a sperm donor... the man that has raised your little girl is her daddy... YOU...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): If her affair was in Aug 2009 then how can your daughter be 4 years old or are you just rounding up her age loosely for convenience?I wouldn't advise you to forgive her so quickly. This has nothing to do with your relationship to your daughter - of course you're still her real dad and always will be. But with your wife that is a different matter. She may have taken care of you when you were sick but your mother would do that too. How can you trust your wife to he faithful again? How do you know your son wasn't also conceived from another affair? How can you know she wont do this again or if there have been other affairs too thus putting you at risk of STDs?? I know your world has been turned upside down and you're a fer practical man so you want to move on from this starting now but some things need to be dealt with which takes time. It is the doubts and uncertainties and wrestling with them, which causes us to think deeply about the core of the problem and reach deeper insight into it. And no you do not just get one chance at love in this life, that is not IMO a valid reason to "forgive " adultery if forgiving means continuing the marriage without holding your spouse accountable for their actions. She cheated on you and lied about it and lied about your daughter's conception for 3 and half years! What else is she hiding??Should the 62 year old sleazeball pay child support? My opinion is that he should out of justice for what he did (having unprotected sex with a married woman) but I think it is better for you and your family if he doesn't so that he is out of the picture and "out of sight out of mind ". Think of him as just a sperm donor - donors are not part of the child's life and as such have no legal ties including paying child support, and have no rights to visitation or to have anything to do with the family .Should you tell your daughter. Yes, doesn't need to be now but at some point before she reaches adulthood you should tell her because she needs to know for genetic health reasons, and also sooner or later she will notice that she does not bear physical resemblance to you and she will put two and two together and will lose trust in you if she finds out on her own as an adult or forced it out of you then, rather than having grown up with the knowledge so it is not a major adjustment in her sense of identity later on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): OMG I am so sorry you are going through this!I think you and your wife should see a marriage counselor to decide what to do. You might also benefit from seeing the counselor individually. This is a huge shock and you only just found out yesterday so you are still numb. Trust me your emotions WILL change in the coming weeks and months when this has had more time to sink in.Do not make any major decisions right now. Wait until several weeks Oe months have passed then see how you feel and what the state of your marriage is then. I don't mean to be pessimistic but this is a major bomb that was just dropped on you so you meed to give yourself time to process the information and the emotions that will surface and not jump to making major decisions just yet. You may want to forgive your wife and that is very noble but you DO have major issues in the marriage (even if its due to her personal issues) that need to be worked through. Your trust in her has been broken and sooner or later you will be feeling the fall out. This cant just be swept aside due to intellectually deciding to forgive. The emotional impact has to he acknowledged by both of you and worked through and I think it is best done with profession al guidance.Yes of course your daughter is still your daughter! You are her father and always will be. The old guy is just a sperm donor nothing more.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): I might recommend telling your daughter earlier than adulthood. If the man was 62, 4-5 years ago and you're thinking of waiting until your daughter's 18-21, he may well have died in the meantime.
It'll be bad enough learning that your not her father, but it'll be worse if she tracks him down to find that he died ten years ago.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): She not only cheated and got pregnant. She kept lying just until you were too emotionally involved and bonded with the child to walk away. Now your wife can trust that you are safely going to remain "her father" (and now it’s time to start thinking about how to deal with what/when to inform the child) - NOW she comes clean. Now that the lie no longer does anything besides make her feel guilty. Do you see how your wife's actions are still so convenient for her at your expense, even now? Let's get real. She would still be lying to you right now if it was still early enough to risk you walking away.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (19 February 2013):
Yes, do the math. Birth is approx 9 months from the previos period, so about 8.5 months from conception. Your wife seems to describe the night she got pregnant pretty well, a friends birthday, so its not hard to work out if its even the right month. Now work back from your daughters birth to see where you were when she concieved. If you remember if she was born near the due date then the 8.5 months +- a week is pretty close. If the birth was early or late adjust accordingly. I dont know why your wife decided to tell you now? Doesnt make sense to me. And I also don't know why so many people think your daughter needs to know. I saw a statistic that 20% of the people on the planet dont have the biological father they think they have! Such is the nature of mankind, drunk or not. I think only you can work out what feels right. But personally I would be a little more than worried. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): should he be pursued for child support?
unless we're talking about a billionaire without heirs, I don't think you should. You don't seem to need the money anyway, and if he pays for child support he also gets to visit the child, that would be terribly confusing would it not?
I'm wondering; what's the best way for us to act now, how to handle this situation? Do you think there'll come a time in the future when our daughter has to know I'm not her real dad at all?
She doesn't have to know, but if you want to reveal the truth later, that's up to you and your wife.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 February 2013):
 Considering what you've written, I'd be inclined to find the MOST postive approach that can be available.... and THESE are the details of that approach:
1. Confirm that this girl is NOT your child, with DNA testing. IF she is (your daughter) then all else - in your submittal AND herein) doesn't matter...
2. Keep quiet about your daughter's paternity UNTIL she is at - or approaching - adulthood..... At that time, it WILL be appropriate for you and wifey to reveal to her who is her biological father.... THAT, since she needs to be aware of any health considerations.... AND, she will be entitled to reveal herself to her biological father.....
2A. How her biological father responds to learning of his daughter is of no import to you and wifey... insofar as it is out of your family purview...... Let it be....
3. According to your description.... you and wifey are putting this "in the past"... and not letting it drag at you family, now.... and don't expect to, in the future. I applaud YOU for that!!!! Hear, hear!!!!
Then.... let life go on... and enjoy it ....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 February 2013):
 You don't sound stupid in your post, but articulate, well-spoken, and a good person. In my experience, someone like you so quick to forgive without talking through deep underlying issues may be doing so out of guilt. I wonder if there are things you haven't told your wife. I'm not saying that what she did wasn't wrong, but I've never seen a husband or wife be so forgiving so fast without there being either guilt or extreme distance in a relationship.
That being said, since you sound intelligent enough, have you ever bothered to wonder why your wife told you this?? And yes, the dates she talked about don't add up. Your daughter would have to be 2 1/2 years old for her story timeline to fit. Given that she's 4, your wife is either lying to you, or there was another guy.
Now's the time to add cunning to intelligence. Are you frequently away on business for weeks at a time? Are you doing your marriage over the phone? Are you still travelling frequently for long periods at a time? How have you relieved your own sexual frustration when this happens?
There is much more to this than some story about a 62 year old guy and some story about your daughter. A DNA test is a very good idea for starters on both of your kids, but even more, in your wife's case, I think she's only told you the tip of the iceberg.
Listen, it's your business whether or not you want to dig into this like it should be, but I guarantee that it's going to keep building, and you may think you're this sanguine about it now, but this is going to come back to bite you. You need to have some gut-wrenching conversations with your wife and not sweep it under the rug with your head in the sand. If there are things you need to confess to her as well, if you believe in this marriage, it should come out.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 February 2013):
Yes the math isn't adding up. How did you not notice this? Are you trolling?
If not get a dna test and a brain test for you. You should be suspicious that your wife had an affair and got pregnant AFTER YOUR DAUGHTER WAS ALREADY BORN!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): To be honest you need to stop sugar coating your wife and look at her for who and what she really is. You don`t necessarily only get one shot, as you have put it. Even if you do, it is a silly reason to stay with her. I could not stay with her if I was where you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): I would advise seeing a lawyer about the child support. Someday you will have to explain to your daughter that you are not her father. Maybe when she is older like around 9 or 10 so that she understands. As a teenager they change from the hormones and she could react negatively so preparing her before she gets to the teenage years would be advisable.I'd be keeping a close watch on your wife. That was a major lie and coverup on her part. If she slept with some 62 year old man it makes me wonder if she has slept with anyone else. You will always be questioning that in the future when she goes out or if you have to leave for a few weeks for work.Your wife is one lucky woman that you are a forgiving man. I hope she realizes that. Most men would not have reacted like you have. They would be very angry at being betrayed or would have filed for divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): You really are a wonderful person to forgive your wifes infidelity and accept a child that was born from it. I can tell that if I was that little girl, at some point in my life I would want to know the truth. Having said that I also know of people that dont handle it well and use it as an excuse to destory their life.I think when she is old maybe 21, she deserves to know the truth and it would best come from you that some oustider or off hand incident like blood type.You will know when the time is right to tell her , for now enjoy her and I am glad you can still be a wonderful dad to her after all its not her fault the infidelity happened.With regard to your wife, dont be overly too nice and calm about it as she just might lapse again and think you will be okay will it. Set ground rules and let her know it happens again you are history. I agree it takes a lot to own up but also note she took a calculated risk that you will not leave her, so just make sure that this remain an isolated infidetility.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 February 2013):
 She had sex in August 2009. Plus 9 months pregnancy it will make it May or June 2010. How does that make your daughter 4?
She got the dates or the man wrong.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 February 2013):
 For healthcare reasons your daughter will eventually need to know who her biological father is. Maybe not in the next few years but sometime down the the road she will need to be told. You will need to be prepared for that but hopefully she will be so attached to you it won't really change her affections. Keep an eye on that wife, she sounds pretty flaky to me.
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