A
male
age
51-59,
*cpc
writes:Hi All, I wonder if you can help me with an issue I currently have.My wife and I live in England and married in April 08 after 6 years together (4 of these years we lived together). It was the first marriage for either of us. I was 38 and my wife 37 when we married. I love my wife very much and would do nothing to intentionally hurt her. Throughout our relationship she has been jealous of any contact (work colleagues, etc.) I have with other women although I have never cheated on her. I have never even touched or kissed another woman.For my stag night, a bunch of friends and I went out for a curry and a few drinks in our local city. One of the party knew the area well and suggested we went to a lap dance club, which is situated on one of the main roads in the city (ie it is not hidden away in some grotty suburb). As I had never been into a lap dance club, I was happy to go in - as were all of the rest of the stag party (which consisted of both married and single men). I had about 5 dances, which were all paid for - I didn't pay a penny all night long. Some of the other guys had dances too. The dances in this club consisted of the dancers performing a 3 minute strip - at no point did I lay a finger on her, or her on me. We were in the club for 1 hour maximum. We all went home and had a laugh about it. Knowing my fiance (as she was at the time) would quiz me about it, I lied and said that we didn't go to any lap dance clubs...this was mainly because I knew it would upset her and not because I did something I shouldn't of (like touch the dancer). I know this rationale may not make sense to you but this is how I justified it to myself.I was the best man for the wedding of my wife's brother. In September this year we went into the same city and went to the same club. The stag had a few dances and I had one dance. We stayed for about an hour. My wife didn't quiz me about what happened on this stag night and so I didn't say anything to her about the club. (My brother-in-law didn't go to the lap dance club on my stag night, as he became ill earlier in the evening and had to go home early. He was unaware that I and the rest of the party went to the lap dance club).In November this year, an acquaintance of mine came to visit me for the evening. This acquaintance is an immature 39-year old virgin who has never had a girlfriend. I have known him since he was 11. To give him a bit of a "cheap thrill", I took him to the club where we both had a dance. We stayed for 30 mins or so. Again, I didn't say anything to my wife about the visit to the club although she asked me where I had been and I told her we'd just been for some drinks and a meal, which we had.The bottom line is that my acquaintance sent me an e-mail about how much he enjoyed his evening out, which my wife read on my e-mail account (about 10 days ago). Since then, our relationship has gone downhill fast. She cannot understand why I went to the club 3 times and had dances on each ocassion. I said that it was all just a bit of fun and excitement and that no harm was meant by it. I would never intentionally hurt my wife. I just got myself into a situation that I didn't really no how to get out of, and the longer time passed, the harder it was to tell her. I have only been to this club - or any lap dance club - on 3 ocassions: twice for stag nights and once with a 39-year old virgin. Until my stag night, I didn't even know this club existed. My brother-in-law didn't tell his wife (who's 26) that he went and she found out through the fall-out of my situation. His wife was ok about things. I know I've been silly and have told my wife I will never go to another lap dance club. I never meant any harm and just got caught up in the situations. Our relationship isn't great at the moment and so I'm writing this mainly for some advice. Thanks in advance.
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fiance, immature, jealous, lapdance, never had a girlfriend, stag , wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, gcpc +, writes (30 December 2008):
gcpc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who have commented - it's much appreciated. Things between my wife & I are getting better every day and I (obviously) hope this continues.
A
female
reader, scythe  +, writes (29 December 2008):
 Hmmm it's easy to side with you when you explain it like this. However, you need to try and put yourself into her shoes and imagine what she is going through. Better yet, as her to describe her emotions. The fact that you repeatedly and easily lied to her is probably hurting her just as much as the knowledge you paid women to take their clothes off infront of you.
So, the trust between you has been shattered. She is probably questioning what else you've lied about. Perhaps ask her to read your post, as you've made it clear that you didn't touch or participate in anything with those women, and you were introduced to the club by your friends.
You really need to listen to her, and try and rebuild the trust. It will take time, perhaps a long time. The main thing is keep talking to each other, describe your feelings, be honest.
Good luck and keep us informed :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): I agree with your wife. I cannot understand how guys see these types of clubs as being harmless or good clean fun. Its not. its gross. Why would a man want to pay for something he has at home for free? Why would a man even want to get a lap dance or see another woman strip in front of him if he is so satisfied with what he has. If a lap dance is what you or any man needs than his wife should be doing it not some woman at work.i find it to be disgusting and if my fiance goes to a club on his stag night or bachelor party i will not meet him at the alter.
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