A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a VERY CONFUSING situation right now with an incident that happened recently.I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months, we have been on about 10 dates but never declared ourselves exclusive or anything. I've had sex with him 6 times and then last week we went on a special xmas date, he took me sledding and ice skating and then and for hot chocolate and then we went to see the christmas light displays in the fancy neighbourhoods. it was very romantic and a lot of fun. Except that afterwards he took me to his place and I told him I didn't want to have sex with him because I was on my period. He said ok, we would just cuddle, watch a film, have a couple of drinks, so we did that, i had two beers and he had one beer. then we started making out and i told him again that there would be no sex because i hate to do it on my period. he said fine... but when he got excited he started to take off his pants and i was like... what are you doing? he said, he was just 'getting comfortable'! So we kept making out and then he started trying to unbutton MY jeans and i said not to do that because i didnt want to fool around. he got very upset. i said that i told him 3 times, so he should have got the picture. he said he thought he could change my mind in the moment. i said no there was no changing my mind. so we stopped making out and kept drinking and watching tv. at some point i became drunk and sleepy (i tend to feel sleepy if i drink a lot) and i told him i was going to go home. he said no, i could sleep in his bed, this would be the first night i had spent the night at his place so i was nervous but i said ok. anyway, cut to the chase, it's about 4 am and he is waking me up by whispering in my ear 'hey, you up? wanna fool around?' and stuff like that. i was tired drunk and still on my period (duh) and so i said, no i would rather go back to sleep. but he didnt listen. he actually got on top of me and started kissing my neck, i said to shove off, he wouldnt, and i was so tired and drunk that i couldnt really coordinate myself to push him off, i just squirmed underneath and said, 'stop it i want to go to sleep' etc etc. but then i felt him fiddling around down there and i guess he unclothed me. he actually had sex with me with my tampon still in, it hurt a lot and as i sobered up (in shock as to what was happening!) i got angrier and angrier but he kept 'shh'ing me and saying 'its alright baby' and he held my arms up or down to my sides whenever i tried to use them to push him off. i admit i didnt struggle as hard as i should have, mostly i was just so stunned and so confused as to WTF was going on?! i couldnt (and still cant) believe that this sweet guy was doing this to me? he had always been good in bed the few times we did it, very attentive to my needs and now he was like... having sex with me against my will... im pretty sure i didnt give too many mixed signals? is it just that when boys are aroused they have to have sex? and was it because i agreed to sleep in his bed? looking back, drinking and then sleeping in his bed was probably a mistake but i guess i just didnt expect him to force the issue as much as he did, i figured hed stop if i said i didnt want to but he didnt. he actually came inside of me without even a condom on (i am on the pill but i still ALWAYS use condoms) and now im sort of worried i might catch something. i know its a slim chance but theres always that risk, right? after he was finished he rolled off me and said 'GOOD NIGHT BEAUTIFUL' and fell asleep!!!!!!! i laid there for what felt like HOURS (probably just a few minutes) in stunned silence before i got up, put my pants back on and called a cab (he didnt even wake up or notice). now ive been rehashing all the events of that evening ever since and trying to make sense of it but i just cant. he wasnt as drunk as i was, he had like half the amount of alcohol (i'm a lightweight). maybe if i had been more physically resistant he would have stopped. i did try to push him off but of course he is stronger than me (his nice muscles are one of the reasons i was attracted in the first place WHOOOOPS). anyway i havent told anyone about it.i talked to him on the phone on xmas day, he phoned to wish me a merry christmas. it was a short conversation. i said merry christmas back. and then we hung up. it was friendly though. it just confused me even more i guess. he obviously doesnt think he did anything wrong so now im questioning if maybe i imagined the whole thing. i dont think so, im not crazy! he never asked me why i left in the middle of the night, i wonder what he thought when he woke up the next day? does he remember it?anyway the question i am thinkng of now is... what was it he did to me? does it count as rape? or did i lead him on somehow? guys- would you have done what he did in his situation? is it just normal? ive never experienced anything like this and im wondering like... is it 'date rape'? or 'gray rape'? or just bad sex? i cried for about 6 hours after i got home. but now I feel sort of numb/confused. Help me please, How do I go on? Do I continue to date him? Do I end it? What do I do next time he phones? I admit I am pretty scared of him now, because he doesnt seem to really care about what i say, hes sort of selfish... help me.
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christmas, condom, drunk, kissing, muscle, neighbour, period, tampon, the pill Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): he raped you. no other adjectives. no matter how much you lead someone on or tease them even if you start to have sex. the minute you say no you are being raped. what you should have done is taken that cab to a hospital and told them you had been raped and had a rape kit done. do not date this person do not take his phone calls. he should be dead to you and i would be afraid also if i were you. be careful drinking and be careful who you trust im sorry for what happened to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): Yes it was rape. You said no countless of times and you tried to push him off. Yes it was very stupid of you to sleep in the bed with him, he tried to pressure you for sex lots of times before and you think sleeping in the same bed with him, and he'll behave? Learn from your mistake and don't put yourself in that situation again. Did you know most rapes happen by people you know? Dump this guy and tell him why.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): End it and go to the police. What he did to you is rape. I know you are confused but you need to end this. If he can do it once he will do it again, how dare he! Please go to the police and end it with him. Let me know how you get on. xx
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