A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:please tell me what to do? i am married having 2 kids after marriage i have come to know that she was phisically involved with someone but now she has changed herself a lot for me but its hard to ignore her past. please advice me how to ignore her past???
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male
reader, maxraz  +, writes (10 March 2011):
Just over a year ago i found out my Wife was cheating on me i was totally distroyed and still am some days. I will never forget and still struggle to forgive what she did. I cant offer any advise apart you are not on your own in anyway. I have looked at many ways to get revenge including cheating myself but just cant do it i have been very clsoe to cheating but just cant take that final step. Its the lies that hurt again and again the silly little things that bring it all back in a flash. I still consider leaving even now as i know i still dont know the whole truth and she will never tell me because shes so scared of what may happen to us, trust me it cant be as bad as what i think it is. However when i got married i meant what i said so i keep going and hoping one day will pass that i dont think about what she has done. Good Luck
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): I have been going through the exact same thing. It has been about 8 months now and we have one child. There really is nothing that can take that pain away but time. I know I will never truly forget what happened but I have been able to forgive. There are things that come up that will remind me of what happened, but at those times it is important to remember that she choose you. She had the opportunity to pick someone else, but she figured out she loves you and wants to be with you. The trust part is going to take a while. My wife has come to understand that and accept it. Trust is earned and will come back over time. I had a hard time bringing up the past in fights for a while. Try not to do that, it is not helpful and only furthers the pain. I would also recommend consoling for you both. Other then that, just continue to get to re-know each other and look towards the future. I can tell you that my relationship with my wife is 100 times better today then it was a year ago. There is no excuse for what she did, but I was not acting like the husband I promised to be a year ago. An affair can honestly make a relationship so much stronger and better then it ever was before. It is just going to take time and some work on both parts. Some prayer does not hurt either. Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Lo lo +, writes (19 March 2008):
Hi. I know its hard. You will allways go back to what happened. She was wrong to do what she did. At the end of the day she went back to you. Just trust her and let it be her last chance. You are not the bad 1 in all this. Good luck. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): Those are very nice thoughts by Annalisa and should be of some comfort to any man or woman having trouble thinking about their partner's past. However, I have a question for the OP. I get the impression that your wife was unfaithful and with this other man either after you got married or at least after you started dating. That is a lot different than having been with someone else before she met you. If this is a case of cheating then I can understand that it would be much different and more difficult to accept than her having been with someone before you.
If it was someone before you then look at it the way I look at my wife having been with a fair amount of men before she met me. She didn't think that she could live with any of them except perhaps one. In just a relatively short time, she knew that she wanted me for a partner. It is that experience that made her never want another man except me in the 29 years that we have been together. Yes, I still have trouble thinking about her past occasionally, but I know that she had never wanted anyone but me, even the few times that we have had arguments or that I have said something hurtful over the years. She has accepted my faults because she has been with enough men to know that mine are minor compared to others, including her first husband. Of course, it would be better if neither one of us had any faults, but that is a bit unrealistic.
It is also my experience with a few women after I met her that has not made me want anyone else but her for a partner. I have never doubted that she is the best woman for me. It is my experience with even 2 very nice women that I think I could have lived with that make me realize how very special my wife is.
Try to look at it the way that my wife and I look at each others experience and it will help you see that past experience is an advantage, even though it may make you feel bad at times.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 You can't. The only way to "deal" with it is to accept it. This won't be easy and it will never go away. Years from now, something will bring the memory back to the surface.Try to concentrate on the now and work towards the future, that you can control. Not the past. The past is there to learn from, hopefully the two of you are now wiser and will avoid the same mistakes.There are no easy words, no quick-fix solutions for this.Although there is one point I like to make, it is alright for you to be angry over this. She can't expect you to just smile and forget it all, talk your feelings over, SCREAM if you feel like it, don't bottle it up that will just make it explode at some future point. Too often you see that cheaters expect everything to just go back to normal after it comes out. No, don't work like that, you got to deal with your anger/hurt first before it truly becomes the past.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): Like they say your 'past made you who you are'. In her case a flowering beauty safe in the security of a man that forgave he. In your case a man ridlled with trust issues.
You just have to live with it. Throw youself hard into your work and get some outside iterests, hobbies. The more free time you have not to
think the worse it will get. In time it will become less of a problem.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 Each time ,you think of her past, try to focus on her good and positive side and in time your mind will accept her and move on.
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