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anonymous
writes: I have been married for almost 9 years, and I have known my wife for a little over 10 years. When we started dating, she wanted our relationship to be non-exclusive; at the time she claimed that she was too messed up mentally from her ex-boyfriend to fully commit. I agreed to this with great reluctance.We became exclusive about 5 or 6 months later and eventually married. I always wondered whether she became intimate with other men during our non-exclusive dating period. I recently asked her, and she told me she got physical with 2 men during this period. One was a makeout session at a bar a few weeks after we met. More distressingly to me, she became even more intimate (though not completely intimate, if you know what I mean) on a beach one night with another guy whom she met while on a weekend trip with her friend. This happened four months into our relationship. What's worse, she had the nerve to have me pick her up at the train station and take her home from her weekend liason. I became an unwitting cuckold!DO I have any right to be angry or upset at this? I know I agreed to this "arrangement", but what does her behavior indicate about her feelngs to me? Despite dating me at the time, does her hooking up with this guy not indicate that she "settled" for something less in marrying me? After all, the fact that she became intimate with another man four months into our relationship indicates that neither my looks, personality, or any other of my traits was sufficiently magnetic for her to avoid indulging her lusts.I have contemplated telling her all this, especially the notion that in my opinion she has deluded herself into thinking she truly loves me. She may be perfectly sincere in believing she loves me, but this revelation has convinced me that she deluded herself into thinking that I am the love of her life. I was merely someone who is a "good catch" on paper (good job, pretty good looks, blah, blah, blah), and she got her hooks into me after she indulged her sexual appetites one last time.Pete
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2006): How many times has POPS been married? My guess is...more than twice.....
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reader, pops +, writes (17 June 2005):
Are you looking to pick a fight? You exaggerate when you say you were an unwitting cuckold- GROSSLY! If she did not have sex with him, and you were not married at the time, you were not a cuckold. Look it up! YOur wife chose you, and not the other men, idiot. She has been living with you for 9 years. What do you want?? Are you one of these kinds of nuts who had to marry a virgin, or you felt cheated? I suggest you concentrate on being a better mate and lover to this woman, before she leaves you. Count your blessings and show her how greatful you are that she chose you to marry. Do it every day. Find new ways to tell her. find new ways to make love to her, to have foreplay with her. Call her from work and tell her how much you love her, and how hard you get just thinking about seeing her again. Lust after her. Send her notes, cards, leave her notes in places she may not expect. Cook dinner for her. Do the chores at home that she usually does, not because its Mother's Day, but because its Thursday. Give her flowers for the same reason. If she really " settled" for you, make her not regret that decision. And stop dwelling on events that occurred before you had any right to demand fidelity from her.pops
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reader, Groove +, writes (15 June 2005):
Firstly, we are talking about something that happened a long time ago. You don't say how old you both are, but it is probably safe to say that both of you, and your relationship, will have changed over that time. Maybe you have concerns that your wife has not been faithful since and these need to be addressed. For your wife, this is something she has had many years to come to terms with. It probably meant little to her at the time, especially as neither occasion led to anything serious in any sense of the word.You may well need to explain to her that for you, this is new and raw, and if she loves you then she will let you talk about it with her as much as you need to in order to come to terms with it. You cannot help your feelings of hurt and anger - there is nothing wrong with any feeling you may have. Initial feelings about an event cannot be controlled. Whether you choose to dwell on these feelings, however, is in your control. You need closure over this though, and if the relationship is to become healthy once again, this means you will need to forgive her for the behaviour. And once you forgive, you must never bring it up again as it is gone and forgotten. If you cannot do this, it will follow you around and your relationship will never reach its potential for making you both happy. You need to be aware that there are a variety of reasons for unfaithfulness. If you are to find out what hers were, you will need to listen actively, and non-judgementally to what she has to say. It is possible to lust after your partner, and yet feel insecure in the relationship and look for reassurance elsewhere. I suggest the unfaithfulness itself was not the problem; it rarely is. But the fact that you have 10 years behind you suggests that you worked through whatever those issues were quite successfully. Of course this will have knocked your confidence - and you understandably sound resentful over it - it's a huge blow to the pride - but that's all it is. Nothing has really changed and don't let this issue ruin ten happy years, and a happy future.
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