A
female
age
41-50,
*likenight
writes:My wedding is coming up in a few days. My mom and step dad are having it at their home. They are paying for everything. My real dad bought my wedding gown and wedding cake. My mom's paying for the food, drinks, minister, photophragrapher, decorations, my fiancee's tuxedo, karaoke, rental chairs and tables, everything. She's even paying over $400.00 to fly my sister in from another state. My problem is that my fiancee's parents aren't offering to pay for anything. I told them that my step dad was taking my fiancee tuxedo shopping and they offerend to cover whatever extra we have to pay, if any. Tuxedo rentals are only around $100.00 so they basically offered to pay for nothing because they were already told it was covered. They make no less than my parents make. So I don't understand why they won't offer to help with anything. Also, they said "if" they sell their home they will give us a wedding gift! Their other son got married 2 years ago and they never got him a gift. Also we asked my fiancee's mom and dad to start inviting people on thier family's side. I found out his mom hasn't even invited anyone yet and the wedding is in 11 days. She said she will send out emails, but that she doesn't know if anyone will come because it's such short notice. She told my mom that her whole family is mad at her, so she doesn't know if anyone will come. My fiancee didn't know that his mom's family was mad at her, and I think she's just saying that so that she doesn't have to invite anyone. His parents do not seem excited or happy for us at all. It's really upsetting b/c my parents are really happy and being very supportive. My fiancee said that I am over reacting and that his family is just different than mine and that his family never gave the kids anything. Mine didn't really either, but this is our wedding day and that is very special. It is both of our 1st times getting married. Do you think I am over reacting by being upset that his parents aren't offering to help or even invite anyone? And the thing about the wedding gift, saying if they sell thier house they'll give us a gift. I don't understand that either. They are acting like them even having to come is a big inconvenience because they're trying to sell thier house.
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female
reader, ilikenight +, writes (5 September 2007):
ilikenight is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yes, I have been working since I was 17, and he has as well. I just left my job in April to have our first baby. I am expecting again, I am now a stay at home mother. We have only been together for about a year and a half, however we've been friends for years. So no, we have not been saving up for a wedding. A lot of people work, and don't have enough money to save for a wedding. I am in Michigan which is the state with the worst economy in the entire country, cost of living is high, pay is low, jobs are few. This wasn't even our idea, we told my mom we were getting married at the court house, and my mom called me the next day and said that my step dad offered to have the wedding at their home. This is planned in about 2.5 weeks. That's also why we have not sent out invites and were hoping his mom could invite her family,(sisters and brothers). I am very appreciative that they are doing this for us. I did buy our rings and that pretty much broke us, and they're nothing extravagant either. We're both 26and trying to buy our 1st home. I never expected my parents to pay for this wedding. It is their idea, 100%. All I wanted was for my mom to be at the court house with me when we got married. My real dad just happened to be visiting us to see his new grand baby last weekend. He lives out of state. I told him about the wedding and he and my step mother offered to buy my dress and cake. I never asked them for anything. The reason I think my fiancee's parents should help out is because in every wedding for close friends or relatives I have ever attended, whichever family were in a better position to pay more did, which may be my family. But the other family always helped out where they could. I believe this is the way it should be. Wouldn't you help out your son or daughter's fiancee's family a bit if they were paying for everything else? It's not just about money. They aren't excited or happy for us. They never once said congratulations or anything to that effect. My parents put far more money up for my older 2 sisters weddings than they are for mine. I don't think I am being selfish, I never asked them to do this for me. They are happy to do it, which is the way it ought to be if they are in a position to do so. This is not an extravagant wedding either. It is at my mom's home. We're renting chairs and tables, got some cheap decorations, we're making the food and my aunts are also bringing food. The only thing that may be somewhat expensive is the beer. We're playing music through the regular stereo. We didn't even get tents or anything to cover if it rains. The cake I got was $15.99 at Costco. It seems as though some people give "advice" just so that they can put the person down who asked the question. It's not as though I said I slept with my sister's husband or anything. I just want my future in laws to be happy for us.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): What "I" can't understand is why YOU are not paying anything toward the cost of your own wedding!
Yes, its traditional for the bride's parents to pay, but these days when everyone has expenses, its not unreasonable for you and your fiance to chip in.
Have you not been working at a job - both of you - all these years? Or have you saved so little that you expect your families to foot the entire bill?
Sheesh.
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A
female
reader, chachacha  +, writes (4 September 2007):
Yes, I think you are over-reacting. Firstly, it is traditional for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding. Secondly, when planning the wedding, you have to cut your cloth to suit your means - that is to say, you, your parents, your fiancee, and his parents should have discussed up front who was going to put up what money for the wedding, and then you choose what to spend accordingly. If you never had that discussion with them, or they did not offer, then that's just the way it is. Thirdly, the number of people you can invite depends upon how much cash there is available to accommodate them. Having decided how many people to invite, you then write a long list of people and traditionally the invitations go out from the bride's parents. The groom's parents do not send out invitations. You should have just asked them for any name suggestions for the list. But as they are not contributing financially, other than mentioning Great Aunt Edie, or something like that, I would not expect them to invite people. Where the bride's parents put up loads of money, they get to invite loads of their friends, whether you and your financee know them or not. Fourthly, the tradition is that you write a list of presents you want and give it to your mother. You don't put it in the invitation because that would be rude and imply that a gift is required. People who are coming to the wedding know to contact your mother and ask for the list, or they ask your mother which store you have a wedding list at. Your fiancees parents should do this like any other wedding guests and buy you a gift like everyone else. If they do not, it would be terribly rude. But just like any of your other guests who do not buy you a present, you certainly cannot say anything, because there is no obligation to buy a present.
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