A
male
age
36-40,
*entleGiant
writes:Dear Aunts i now find myself asking you for your advice on this family issue. My uncle and aunt have played a critical role in my up bringing for the first fifteen years of my life. My uncle confided in me that his wife my aunt confessed to him that she has been involved in affairs for the past twenty years of their marriage. So the story goes she claims to have been getting Psychological counselling and guidance for the issue. Apparently the adulteress affairs have ceased permanently about two years ago. She is seeking forgiveness from my uncle in helping her heal. Apparently their marriage was good and my uncle did not know or was aware of what she is doing or had done. My uncle being the happy go lucky man that he was he would consider her request but wanted to go with her to the Psychologist and see what he could do to help seeing since he was married to her for over twenty five years. I guess they are supposed to start these groups sessions next week. He told me in confidence that he found out who the two men she was having affairs with and he was going to settle a score and shortly after he would disappear. I was stunned and shocked. I pleaded with him not to do this but he said there was nothing else that he could do and he couldn't stand to be in the same house with my aunt for another minute. The nice guy routine and happy go lucky act was coming to an end this weekend and he would disappear and that was that. I told him what about the other people that cared and loved him. He looked me in the eye and started crying saying why didnt they tell me what was going on? How could anybody hide extra marital affairs for twenty years and nobody know about it? I told him i do not know but i was sure he could find out. Hire a private investigator and get the whole story, then make a informed decision but not before. Why throw away a marriage of twenty-five years. Maybe issue was not your issue or fault. Things can happen. He just shook his head and said no. I was now crying and pleading for him to stay because of my impending wedding next year. I said what about the rest of the people who care about you? What about me? He looked me in the eye and said just consider me dead because after Saturday i disappear from plain sight. He said he would contact mid week for his last good byes and then he took off. Agony aunts what would make a man be willing to disappear in plain sight from people who love and care for him. If it is his wife divorce her but why punish the rest of the family by making everybody believe he is dead. I have heard of people disappearing but i never thought it was planned to this detail. I am lost and really upset. How do you mourn for somebody who is not dead but gone from plain sight for the rest of your life? This man played a important role in my life now as of this Saturday he will be gone for good.
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affair, confidence, divorce, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2013): You have no right to verbally abuse your aunt who raised you and had done nothing wrong to you. Her affair is between her and her husband and it is none of your business. Yes you see how hurt your uncle is. You should support him emotionally but that does not mean taking his side against his wife. Because she didnt do anythint wrong to you. You were not privy to all the private moments of their marriage so the personal relationship between them is not your business. For all you know he could have committed adultery too and maybe before she did. You do not know. and it is not for you to know. Please apologize to your aunt for being such a a$$hole and take some anger management classes. If you can do that to the woman who raised you and who didn't wrong you I shudder to think how you will treat your future wife when you get upset.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2013): I think this is just a lot of nonsense you're making up as you go. Maybe the meds are kicking in now. Take care!
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant +, writes (30 September 2013):
GentleGiant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1 i hate to admit but what you are saying is almost a 100 percent correct. Really none of my business but my only regret i will miss him because i had a close relationship with him as well as my Aunt. Now it appears i could of been used in my Uncles schemes, a unwilling participant.Everything that other agony aunts have said hold a great merit of truth. I do get hot under the collar but i just told my aunt what i told the police, I did not call her names. I just gave the dirty look. And to top this all off my uncle is very cunning and smart. Has a engineering degree in micro biology. He served in the military and could of been a black ops operative but nobody talks about it. When i go to bed at night now i lock my window, i don't think my uncle is going to harm himself he is definitely a man of many different faces. I broke a promise to him and now that i think about it all i am sure he is not to far away from me and my girlfriend and the rest of the family.I am not the giant my uncle is. 6 feet 8 of pure energy. For all i know he has hacked my computer and knows i am talking here right now. Thanks again. Good night.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (29 September 2013):
 I just saw your follow up. This is getting weirder and weirder. Presumably the police know about him vanishing now? Make sure they have the pertinent information and then, let them handle it.
If love is all that matters then please do remember that there are more than one kind of love. You reference the love between two people who are romantically involved, but remember that you can feel for love family and friends as well. And sometimes the people who seem the most unloveable need love more than you can ever realize.
You chose the name "Gentle Giant" here, so try to work on the "Gentle" bit for now, mkay?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 September 2013):
I'm a little confused by the timeline. Your uncle found out 2 years ago that his wife was having affairs but only got all tense and upset about it this weekend? Or did he just find out?
I'm sure your aunt appreciated being told off for being unfaithful by the nephew she'd help raise for 15 years. Whatever you think about her infidelity, which she appears to be seeking treatment and counseling for, had nothing to do with you and how she treated you and took care of you.
You said a lot to her but obviously didn't give her a chance to speak as you had wound yourself up so tightly that you were virtually unable to get through your tirade without being physically restrained by your girlfriend.
You owe your aunt 15 years of apologies. Whatever she did in her bed is between her and her husband.
It sounds like you want to blame your aunt for your uncle's current actions but you know what? Whatever he's doing now is HIS doing. I guess if he's mentally unstable and irrational to the point that he chooses to vanish from his entire life then he has bigger issues than an unfaithful wife.
I notice you threatened to pack up and move too, is there something that runs in your family?
If I were you, I would withhold judgement on your aunt and even your uncle until the dust has settled. You have wound yourself up to the point that you assume your aunt is "living good." You have no idea if that is true or not.
Your aunt has her own sins for which she will have to atone. Punishing her is not your job.
I'm happy to hear you did report what you knew to the police. I sincerely hope no one is hurt and that your uncle is able to resolve his mental anguish in a less dramatic way.
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant +, writes (29 September 2013):
GentleGiant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks wise owl for your comments that only now hit home. After discussing this with my girlfriend and parents after seeing the police and my aunt a lot of things just didn't add up.Why did he approach me a person who never hurt or talk back to him all my 25 plus years? Why did he just tell me consider me dead after Saturday? This is so selfish in it self.He has never ever spoken to me this way. I fully agree with my girlfriend when she says there is no way in hell that he didn't know or suspect or even challenge your Aunt on her behavior for the past twenty years. She also says that a person just doesn't tell you they are disappearing and magically they vanish not twenty four hours after speaking with you. He must of been planning this event for a long time. He just doesn't take a shower like he does every morning before breakfast and not come down. He was nude and did not take his wallet or car or money or anything else. No clothes its a autumn morning and very cool now. He must of had a accomplice. A nude man running through the streets would be noticed but nobody heard or saw anything? That does not make any sense at all. I gave my girlfriend a big hug and kissed my mom and dad. It looks i was the one that got used royally. If it was not for my girlfriend i would of said and done something that i could never forgive my self for. I have lost all respect for a man that i held in such high esteem. It may turn out he was just a sneaky slippery scum bag himself. How could i of been so wrong about all this? I guess i will never know. The jury is out on my aunt and at this point she doesn't look to good herself. I cant imagine my girlfriend telling me she loves me but never comes down from the bathroom again to be seen or heard from. My girlfriend just looked me in the eye and said are you hiding something. I smiled and said yes. I have not told you i loved you in the last two days. And in the end i believe that is all that matters does it not my fellow agony aunts?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2013): There's this thing about family. Anything short of murder and abuse is forgivable. Your aunt has her faults, but you don't know the dirty details of their marriage. You know only what you're told or see, and that's all you need to know.
You have no right to judge either of the two people who took care of you. You should be listening to your girlfriend. Keep a level head about things. Your uncle is holding something back and that's his prerogative.
He doesn't owe you the details of his marriage. Your aunt may know things about him she's never told. So give her benefit of the doubt, and let them handle their marriage.
I'm glad you went to the police. You say they may know more than they say. Not necessarily; but they just want you to know that they are familiar with such situations.
When you have settled down and comeback to yourself; sit down and talk to your aunt. There are always too sides to a story when it comes to marital infidelity.
Reserve all your judgment until you know all the facts. If she doesn't want to discuss it with you, she has every right to keep it to herself. It's her marriage and her business.
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant +, writes (29 September 2013):
GentleGiant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your kind words and not beating me up which is what i have been going through the past forty-eight hours. I did go to the police and file a report. I was fortunate to be able to tape some of my uncles finally words to me before he left. If it was not for that i could of become of their suspects in my uncles disappearance. If it was not for my girlfriend i would not of gone to anybody i was just going to pack up and leave and never come back to this horrible town. The police did not seem surprised at all, i guess they know more than they are letting on. I did not ask them either. I then went over to my aunts house and if it was not for my girlfriend pushing me and giving me that look i could of lost her. I quickly tried to straighten up how i looked and tried to cool down from my rage that was boiling over. I went over to my aunts house and told her the whole story that i had told the police, she just sat there in recliner chair in the living room and it looked like she had seen a ghost or something. Everytime i was about to yell at her and give her shit my girlfriend put her hand over my mouth. When i was done i gave her the most horrible look and she knew how i felt. I then ran out of that house with my girlfriend in tow and tried to get my mind around all that had happen and all that would happen because of what a unfaithful wife had done. My girlfriend tried to say that it was almost impossible for anybody to hide multiple affairs for twenty years. And i have to agree using my own relationship as a example. You can screw around a little but it would not take long for a partner to find out that something was just amiss. Love can be blind but not for twenty five plus years into a marriage. Something horrible went wrong and all i know is that i lost a great uncle,mentor and friend but a adulteress is still living good and her lovers haven't got a guilty bone in their body.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 September 2013):
 You say he is usually a happy go lucky man. However now he knows that his wife has been telling him LIES for a very long time. That is humiliating.At the very least he needs to see a doctor for his immediate and very understandable grief and probably depression. With good reason, people take humiliation and grief very much to heart. Some cope with it better than others. Others fall into a heap. For instance when men lose custody of their children it is often assumed that they walk away and never make contact ever again to punish the mother and not pay child maintenance. And there may be some payback in that. However I think there is another issue. They are so grief stricken at losing daily contact with their children and feel humiliated, in the eyes of their peers, at losing contact with their children that they decide, "If you don't want me then I will re-invent myself under a new name and go to a new place to live where you will never find me".Yes it does represent a very sad outcome. Yet many tens of thousands (if not more) of men live their lives as apparent bachelors and yet do have an estranged family who they choose to never see again.It sounds like your Uncle wants to start a new life elsewhere where the humiliation of what he feels, in that his wife duped him over the year right under his nose, can be forgotten. I do think your uncle does need some additional counselling as there is probably far more support all around him than he realizes. If your Aunt has been callous enough to be unfaithful for so long then will she care if he walks out? Will she try to stop him? You though are in the role of a virtual son. And you are distressed.It is not illegal to break from family and start a new life elsewhere, drastic though it would seem to most. There are millions of people in the world who live their lives estranged from their family.But do at least sit your Uncle down and tell him how much he means to you, tell him how much your care about his welfare. And urge him to get himself more support. because he does need that support now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2013): I don't mean to add any advice that may upset you more; but I think you need to bring this to your aunt, her counselor, and the police.
You may have to place an alert to the police to be sure he does no harm to himself, or anyone else. If your aunt has to give the police names; it has to be done immediately in order that anyone who may be in harms way, be notified for their own safety.
He may only be dramatizing out of anger and humiliation; and just hiding out. However; you can't take chances when someone threatens to disappear, and imply there could be harm. You should have gone to the police first. Your aunt better up the names of people who could be hurt as a result of all this.
Your uncle is in distress; but I don't like his chosen words, or the means of expressing his pain. It is painful to face what he has; but it doesn't justify harm to himself or anyone else.
Here in the States we put out "Silver Alerts" for people missing over the age of 50. I hope Canada has an equivalent and you don't waste anytime seeing to his safety. He is too distraught to be trusted alone.
Notify the police! He may require hospitalization until he has gotten his anxiety down to a manageable level.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (29 September 2013):
He has spent his whole life being happy and sharing it with the ones he loved, most of all his wife. Unfortunately, his wife and his life with her turned out to be a lie. It has been a huge portion of his life he has wasted while he has done nothing wrong, which is an even worse feeling. If he did some wrong at least he could find a reason within that...but there isn't.
I know you love your uncle but he has been dealt a major blow to his life. He can't pretend to be happy or continue being around the ones he loves because all it does is remind him of the lie he lived. Don't get me wrong, he does love you still but this time, it isn't about everyone else...it's about him.
I can imagine he will do something drastic...I can't begin to experience what 20 years of adultery can be like so I can't say for sure.
Make sure to tell your uncle that whatever he does, or happens, you will always love him and you want him to come back. You want him to see your future and your kids when you do have them. Even though he lost his wife, he still has you. And you will always be there for him. Keep telling him these things and maybe he will change his mind.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (29 September 2013):
 I'm with Tisha - his vow to "settle a score" before he disappears should not be taken lightly. If there's even a remote possibility that he intends to cause harm to his wife or her affair partners, you need to inform law enforcement.
Here in the US a threat of harm to self or others is sufficient cause for authorities to hold him in protective custody for up to 72 hours even if he does not consent to it, to evaluate his mental health during this time frame and to get him help if he is found to need it. I don't know if Canada has similar laws in place but it would be worth looking into as your uncle is clearly not in a good place mentally and the hold would interfere with his plans to go off and disappear. Sense might be talked into him by a professional during that time frame.
From what you write, he seems to be in a similar mindset to someone considering suicide - not in that he wants to kill himself necessarily, but that he either doesn't care about or simply isn't considering the ways in which his actions will affect those he leaves behind. The revelation of adultery is so life-altering to him that he can't see past it and his own feelings over it. He's put you in a difficult spot by confiding in you, but now that he has, I don't think it's a good idea to keep quiet about what he's told you. The repercussions for everyone involved could be quite serious.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (29 September 2013):
 If it's a one time affair lasting a month, then maybe you could say why throw away a 25 year marriage. This is a woman who chose to cheat for 4/5 of their marriage. They lived a lie and he has no desire to fix it. She only confessed probably because her counselor told her to and her guilt was eating her up inside.
What I worry about is that the disappearance is not him moving to a BC island and retire there, that he's disappearing from life itself. It's hard for outsiders to understand but this is not something you forgive and forget.
I am sorry to hear about this and I can't tell you what to do. I can only say that bad love can make a person do crazy things.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 September 2013):
He's going to "settle a score and then disappear"? That sounds like he's planning to do something drastic and I would alert the family to this, and I would sincerely consider contacting the individuals involved, or law enforcement friends.
Yes, adultery is not nice. There are worse things that people do, however, and I would be very concerned that your uncle is planning some sort of retaliation.
Tell your aunt you are deeply concerned by his statements. Imagine how much worse you would feel if you had foreknowledge that he planned to "settle a score" and told no one?
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