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female
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anonymous
writes: Im v confused and not sure what to do about my problem: I have baby twins, and the dad adores them obsessively. He and I split before they were born but stayed friends. Now I want him back and want all 4 of us to be a happy little family. However...I learnt he lied to me about where he lives and I discovered he lives with a woman who has had a relationship with for decades; he told me he'd moved out but I found his car there at night - he said he was feeding her cat and that sometimes he stays there but they have no relationship, that they both own the house so he has a right to live there but they live seperate lives. He says she knows about me and the twins, but when i asked to go and talk to her about them he started to cry. (We are both 40, I have other children but he doesn't).We argue a lot over this situation and he says he wants us just to be friends because 'we argue'! I tell him if he was honest about his life, we wouldnt argue, and he says he is being honest!!! He swore on the babies' lives there was no other woman in his life, and i really dont think he would do that lightly. It's such a mess. We have given each other 2 months now to 'stop arguing', but i am so insecure over his behaviour I keep wanting to 'nag' him about it for more answers. He comes over to see us 4 times a week and stays overnight twice, once midweek when i know he usually stays away from home with his job, and every Friday - but he says he has to see his mates every Saturday night, and so can't spend anymore of the weekend with me. This adds to my insecurity as im feeling he has told the woman he lives with that he will always spend Saturday nights with her as long as she doesn't mind him spending Friday nights with his mates!! (But of course, I could have that completely wrong) He says he doesn't know if he loves me enough to be a more permanent part of my life, or whether we get on well enough, but I've told him I want to be settled and if it's not with him i will have to find someone new as i dont want to just sit about waiting for him and I'm getting fed up not having a boyfriend to enjoy weekends with. I work hard all week and that's my chill-out time: he doesn't want me to do that as he can't bear his baby girls being cherished the way he does by another man, and this makes him cry. It feels like a clock is ticking away inside me and I can't relax anymore. Has anyone got any ideas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2006): The father of your babies, has proven what type of man he is. He has consistantly hurt you and his babies, by being untrustworthy and lying to you. I think at 40 years old, you do know exactly the type of man you want for your future and he's not measuring up to your personal values. Don't be so quick to act compulsively and grasp at this man, simply because he's the bio Dad to your kids and you have this dream of you all becoming a happy family. In order to make this dream work, you have to have a man who is loving, committed, honorable and will do his utmost best to helping you give your family, a good quality life. Remember, there is a world of difference between really caring for someone and caring for the dream..or of really needing that dream to come true simply to fix one's own pain/ hurt. And he's dishing out a truckload of pain. So, let's get this in perspective. In order for you to have this good life and the family you want...he has to put you and the kids, in the 'number one spot' in his life and in his heart. But he's not doing this, is he? So why are you continuing to give up pieces of yourself to a man whose actions plainly says...he doesn't love you. Why are you settling for all this? Is it because he's the Dad to your kids and he wants to be with the kids? I'd say yes..but look what you are doing to yourself? Constantly fretting, hurting, wondering, losing 'yourself and wasting your time' trying to get something that this immature man can't give you. You need to be a happy, strong role model and mother for your babies. He's dragging you down. He's keeping you 'right where he wants you' with no regard or respect for you. And he is not making any distinct movements to change his committment and life for you and the kids. So what do you do? Firstly, you accept that the only option left for change is within yourself and you do what any self-respecting woman would do. You let this man go and you move on. By doing this, you let go of the hurt. He will still want to visit his kids, just make sure he legally responsible for them. But you need to face the loss and get out there and get on with 'your' life...it's the only way you will be able move forward. Heal, recover and eventually, go find someone who will respect you, love you and want to make you the happiest woman in the world. Good luck, dear and please be strong.
A
female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (13 August 2006):
 I think there are 3 possible causes for his behaviour
1. He is still in love of his ex
2.He loves you both
3. He's got a psychiatric problem maybe caused by number 2, work stress, drinking or whaterver reason
Anyway your responsability now is your babies and your own psychological , physical and economical welfare. Consequently you must analyse if you want this man back or not and if you want him analyse the cost and collateral damage too. Maybe you can visit a counsellor together or maybe he needs medical treatment... analyse the reasons why you dropped before he moved with his ex and ask yourself and him how can you have a relationship when he always moves back to his ex, I think he is behaving in a very shelfish way he always wants one of his women, ex and you, by his side and change house whenever he feels like it, it is not fair for you not for his ex, he will have to take to an end any economical or affective link to his ex if he wants to move forward and settle down for a new start with the twins and you, make him see you still have self steem you cannot allow to get in your whole life or bed anytime dear you must value yourself..
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