A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Can you tell me what you'd do in my situation? It's hard to decide for yourself when YOU'RE the one whose emotionally involved. How do you forgive someone that deceived you by having a secret friendship/emotional affair for over a year. It was something my bf viewed as a friendship and he dealt with it when he realised it was more than that. But spending time with him now, as he tries his best to reassure me he's 100% devoted to me and that he loves me, I feel plagued with doubt. I have NO doubt that he ended it to be with me (I have proof of this too).. but I have doubts about his honesty when he told me all about it. When I found out, I wiped him from my life. He disappeared for three days straight afterwards and I assumed it was to go stay with her out of town (where she lived), but he has since said he took off to one of our old holiday places to just 'get away' from everything. I will never be able to proove this is where he went. But I DO know that he remained HERE everyday for the next few months before we talked again. He had spent time asking my friends how I was doing, as he was afraid to contact me after I'd told him to leave my life. If I can trust it's over, should I not worry about hearing all the gory details between the two and just take his word for it? He was a wonderful partner to me before all this happened. He was my rock. I spent a lot of time thinking about things, mentally blaming him for everything that went wrong.. but I accept now it takes 2 people for a relationship to fail. I was a poor listener and had a full-on busy schedule.. and he was being bullied at work.. and she was a longtime friend that found mutual ground talking to him about her problems and vice versa.I do understand how this happened, even though it's not right and he deceived me. But I truely love him and want to get past this. The trust is shattered though. I feel suspicious and in emotional turmoil all the time. Spending time with him, doing the things we always used to do, just feels like going back to a place that was ONCE safe, where I was ONCE happy, but not anymore. I love him more than anything in the world though. This is really doing my head in.Advice is appreciated. Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2010): I am 30 odd years older than you and discovered nearly 2 years ago some loving texts between my husband of 30+ years and another woman, a work colleague. My blood ran cold, I was devastated.We had been having problems as I was going through the menopause and I had been very unloving. He said it was 'just a game' to relieve boredom and brighten up every day life.Like you, I explained this to myself as a reason of sorts.I assumed it had all stopped as we became very loving again (mainly due to me realising what I could have lost)but 6 weeks later he left some more undeleted texts and she said she'd fallen for him and there were also some sexy ones and he said he'd wait as it made it more exciting.He was distraught when I found these and swore he had intended to 'phase it out' when we got back from our hols.Again we carried on and nobody could have been more 'genuine' in their effort to convince me I was the love of their life. Our sex life was electric and he adored me. He showed me all his phone bills to 'prove' contact had stopped.Anyway, 8 months later I discovered he'd forwarded a sexy joke to an unknown number and I rang the number next day.Guess who answered....? He did, on his secret pay as you go phone he'd had all that time to keep in touch with her.Well, nearly 2 years down the line and the trust will not return. We argue all the time as I keep quizzing him for details and his answers never change and he goes ballistic and won't talk to me.I'm sure there was lots more than met the eye.I don't know what to advise you. Like you, I love him to bits and am glad I stayed with him but I will never, ever be able to let this go.I think about them together from the minute I wake until I go to sleep.You are much youger than me. If you think you won't be able to come to terms it might be better to split up because my life is total hell living like this but, like you, the good times I wouldn't give up for the world. Good luck x
A
female
reader, Just Diana  +, writes (18 April 2010):
 Once trust is broken it verrrry difficult to patch and re work that foundation of security. My suggestion is therapy....becuase it the only way you are going to be able to work through these issues of anger, betrayal, resentment, doubt, insecurity and fear. Unfortunately the suspiscion wont just disapear overnight. Its going to take lots of hard work from both of you. Your partner will have to be an open book with you all the time exercising complete tranparency......(however this will start to bug him after a while as he will start to feel controlled by your insecurities) Vicious cycle I know...especially as he had the affair. the road to healling will be a long one.....and can mend.....if you are BOTH 100% committed. be kind to yourself!
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