A
male
age
41-50,
*iceGuyLast313
writes:Okay everybody!I've been seeing this lady for a couple of months. I met her off of a dating website. Anyway about a month passed and everything was going really well. Then the texts and the phone calls got much less. Anyway cutting along story short I found her back on the site we met. I approached her about it and she told me she was just curious. She asked me if I'd rather she didn't go on it and I asked if she would stop using it. Anyway, I found her on it again and read messages from her that she wasn't seeing anyone. I basically told her it was over. Anyway for the next week she text and phoned and emailed constantly asking for another chance. I believe in everybody deserves a second chance and I really, really like her. Anyway, it's really tearing me apart and I'm finding it really difficult to trust her. I really want to trust her. But I've got it in my mind that she is up to no good.I'm meeting with here tomorrow and I'm going to tell her how I feel. Would I be in the wrong to ask to see her phone to prove to me that she isn't up to anything? I just want to put my mind at rest. As the way I look at it is if she has nothing to hide she'll let me see her phone. I have nothing to hide in my phone and she can see it anytime she wants.Or am I in the wrong? Thank you to everyone in advance for their replies! :)
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 August 2012):
 Demanding to see her cell phone is not going to work. For one thing, it can be easily circumvented. She can delete any incrimminating evidence before she shows it to you, she can get another cell phone, or find some other way to communicate with men. For another, her cell phone is part of her space and at some point she'll want to reclaim it. She may be willing to allow you to scrutinize it any time you like for a while, but that won't last long. She'll get tired of being on probation and you'll be back at square one. Instead this time it will be worse. You'll be wondering why she suddenly wants her privacy when she seemed ok with being an open book before. The only way you will know for certain she isn't speaking to anyone else is to chain her up in your basement and never take your eyes off her. Even if you could do that, you still wouldn't be able to trust her because you'd know the first chance she got she'd try to escape. If you want to feel safe, you must put yourself in a safe environment. You do not take unnecessary risks and then expect to be allowed to infringe upon the freedom of others in order to feel secure. I don't know that my neighbour won't steal my wallet. Do I get to chain him to a post so I can leave my wallet out in the open?Will she have the same access to your cell phone that you expect to have to hers? To take her back with unreasonable conditions is to create a disparity in the relationship. As long as she is on probation you have all the power and power corrupts. These conditions are not designed to gain trust, but to gain control. And finally, I think one month of dating is far too soon to expect any big commitments. You're still getting to know one another and you have every right to get to know others as well. Only when you're certain that you want to spend the rest of your life with her, should you even consider asking her for a commitment. In other words, you don't get to keep her all to yourself while you're making up your mind.You could approach her with an offer to continue dating, which would include the freedom to date others until you'd both decided you wanted something more serious. Do not put her on the spot by asking her if she wants to date others, just include it in the package and let her know you may do the same.OR you may decide that you cannot trust her and gracefully move on. Just don't take her back with silly and unreasonable conditions.
A
female
reader, Tashar +, writes (12 August 2012):
 Okay this girl seems trouble if she can't show people that she's in a relationship I'd say she's up to no good and is not worth any of your time. I know this may hurt and may seem harsh but it seems she see's you as nothing and I'm sorry but it sounds like you never really had her and she is too sacred or commitment. i don't think you would be in the wrong to ask permition to see her phone and i agree with your views however it does seem on the other hand over the top and may make her feel more distant with you the way you could make the result not go that way is explain you reasons views and feelings and give her your phone to go through. However if she says no to your request i don't think you should jump to any reasons she may just be a private person. I feel that you both need to build up your trust trust needs to be built up in time and i don't think you have to your time to do that. Also you shouldn't really go running because of the sudden turn she has took in the way she is towards you you have to base your thoughts and your answer to her on how she will and acts in the long run. It sounds like she needs to prove herself to you and i feel you need more time for her to do this before you go rushing into things. You do not need to listen to this this is just my opinion and advice to you good luck hope it goes okay.
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