A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am very confused, been married 29 years, been faithful to each other, well I know for sure that I have. Sex life has always been difficult with him not opening up and not letting me initiate it,caught him twice this year with porn behind my back, got no real explanation other than that he had done this for most of our married life but when he was younger (he is 48 now)he could do both, only now he was not wanting me, told me he had always masturbated since being a boy,he got rid of the films and said he would try to make things better and he still found me attractive, he did try, but I knew he was still masturbating behind my back but I did not say anything to him about it.Anyway 3 weeks ago I overheard a conversation that involved a lapdancer and him wanting to perform oral sex on her, he was asking her if he could do it, and how much extra's were, luckily this dancer didn't do that kind of thing, otherwise he would have done, that is definite, oral is something he would never do to me said it was dirty, the dancer by the way was aged 20. I confronted him over this by packing my suitcase to leave, quite frankly I have had enough this year, and if he wants 20 year olds, or sex with others then he can, it's just that I am not waiting around wasting the rest of my life. He cried and pleaded with me to stay, said he would sleep in the spare bed, he did for one night, said he would go to counselling with me, he did just the once, they can't help me he said, he held onto me in bed as if he was scared I would run away, and he had sex with me more than in the last two years put together. I have asked him if he would like to try different sex, no he says I don't want you to change, I dressed up on Saturday night to go with him to a friends wedding, my dress was a little bit revealing and I put on stockings and suspenders, he was not impressed, did not say I looked nice, just moaned that you could see some cleavage, I asked him about the stockings and he said they didn't really bother him, he was not interested in the slightest. Now he has started to turn his back on me in bed again, and is becoming a bit distant with the sex again, to say I am confused, he says he loves me, finds me attractive and does not want me to leave him and end this marriage but what the heck is going on with him, I have made an effort I really have but how much more can I do, I also feel like he really only has sex with me to shut me up, I don't think he really enjoys it, I also know that he fantasies about other women when having sex with me, I have not complained about that, but I feel that he wants to be unfaithful to me, you know try something else, but keep me as well. Anybody got any ideas please, I am at the end of my tether.
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lapdance, oral sex, porn, sex life, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): I think your husband is the one with the problem. Men cheat because of their own insecurities, they need constant reassurance that they still have "it" -- not sure what "it" is, but it's powerful.
I'm sure you looked sexy as hell with those stockings and I would have probably ripped your clothes off and taken you right then and there. I don't really know what the magic button is, but maybe you should consider ignoring him and letting him deal with his own problems -- meanwhile, take care of yourself, dress sexy, wear those sexy stockings and you will eventually get his attention...
Let me know if you're ever in Los Angeles and you want to have a affair with a good-looking under 40 man who loves sexy women in stockings! Maybe that's what you need.
A
male
reader, stevie2003 +, writes (10 September 2008):
hi...
i know exactly whats happened here...my wife went thru similar things to you, so i can sympathize with you...what happens after years of marriage and having kids, sadly like many women who just take no interest in themselves..you have probably put on weight, your clothes are more what your mother would wear etc...then all of a sudden you decide to be sexy...and sadly the interest has waned in your man...i too took on a girlfriend a lot younger.to take care of that area ..but my wife is the one i love...so alls well that ends well...leave the poor man alone..dont take it personally ..its life ..hope this helps
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): I have found myself in a similar situation. My hub is always watching porn he says he does it cause I work days and he works night s and he wants it when I do not I guess. He is a very visual person and turning on the lights seem to help a little. He also was talking on the net with younger girls about having sex with them and the like but swears he has never met anyone and that it is just fun for him. I demanded he stop or I was leaving. He has stopped due to the fact we just had or first child. But I figured he was doing it when he was excited and I was not around. Maybe you should try doing it with the light son he seems like he is a visual person or just change things up with out asking , men like surprises and like to try different things. If you are always doing the same thing and he is always initiating things then he will get bored just like any normal human being. Sex is about passion not repetition. If he is looking at it like a chore , like he only does it when asked or begged he will learn to resent it like it is a chore. Surprise him one night by going down or dressing up in a sexy corset and fishnets and basically devore him. ask him what kind of porn he watches and mimic that one night. I know it is frustrating I am going through the same thing with the porn. he will not stop watching it because he has associated it with pleasuring himself. In the worst case scenario he has just become bored and you need to make sure he still love you and finds you attractive if not I say find a boy toy- lol- jk but seriously you guys might have just become better friends than lovers- But the lights on thing does work even if you have to fake some noises and faces he will love it.
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A
female
reader, Titania70 +, writes (12 October 2007):
I feel that most men watch porn mags and masturbate even whilst in a relationship. In fact, I believe that women should masturbate whilst in a relationship too. It's the best way to discover your body and you need time to play with yourself.
If you look after your body and are in reasonable shape, you're into trying different things and are into the idea of dressing up for him, there is no reason why he should reject you like that. Most lapdancers have nice-looking bodies and their sexual organs are shaved. Could this be something that you could try to do as well? I'm advising this cos it's also an extra source of pleasure for yourself to shave there, I do it myself and I would never go back to having a "bush" as such :)
Also, put some music on before you start having sex with him next time. Sensual music is a great aphrodisiac. Talk dirty in his ear, get him in the mood. It sounds like your husband is a little asleep so why not try these little details to wake him up again?
I used to be a stripper myself and I have now installed a pole in my bedroom. I am not sure whether this would work for everyone but it's great fun and you do not need to do acrobatics around the pole to get a man in the mood. It's all extra fun but of course, that works for me and it might not work for someone else.
Try different stuff and be prepared to be rejected at first. I bet if you continue to do cool stuff in the long run, he'll come round.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (11 October 2007):
 Oddly enough, it's usually the women who get bored with their husbands after 29 years of marriage because the familiarity of marital sex causes some women to develop more platonic feelings towards their spouses. Maybe this is what's happened to your man. The familiar feels more like he's having sex with his sister. This could be why he's seeking sex outside your marriage. You will need to go back to counseling and have repeated sessions. Nothing can be solved in one session. Your husband may simply be having a mid-life crisis, trying to re-capture his youth. At any rate, if his behavior doesn't change, you may have to divorce him. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): You've put up with this for longer than you should, in my opinion. Dump this wet rag. Go find yourself your own hot little 20 year old man and get your sexual needs fulfilled (might wanna go for a 25-30 year old actually, as 20 year olds are generally less skilled).
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