A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im terribly sorry everyone to write such a long post but am very very desperate for as many opinions on this as pos!!!!You see when i met my now husband he had a rocky-relationship with one of his daugthers (from his preveous relationship) and a farly good relationship with the other 'eldest daughter.Well the one he had a good relationship with turned into a great relationship-she accepted me as her fathers new partner......and she and i grew close, i would teach her how to cook italian food , i would cook for her and her boyfriend we were all a wanderful family....up untill her boyfriend started chetaing on her (and i found out) and becuase i loved her so much (truly i loved this girl to bits!) like a real daughter - i told her what i saw.Anyway she called me everything under the sun, turned very nasty on me, swore at me and the boyfriend told her to kick me and her father out of her life .Anyway two months later she discovered i was right that he had indeed cheated on her with one of her best friends and now the other girl may is pregnant for my step-daughters boyfriend,So my step daughter kicked him out of her life, moved out from his house and now she hates the whole world, and has turned very angry and bitter at everyone!she has never appologised to me or said she understood why i had to tell her, NEVER not even now that she has seen or herself what he is like!our relationship is now dead in the water, this whole mess has devided the whole family and hardly anyone talks to her now!anyway 6 months later my husbands older daughter phoned him and says there mum has left the countryto run off with this guy half her age and she didnt even tell them till a couple of days before she was leaving!the daugther has said to my husband now she has seen her mother for what she is, for a cold selfish woman and can understand why their father left their mother years ago (before i was in the picture) especially now that this eldest daughter is expecting and her mother had promised to be at the birth-now she said "o well you have to get someoe else im going travelling with my new fella......"the eldest daughter went on to tell her father continuosly how she is sorry to hear that he and i fell out with the other daughter, she has also said she thinks i was treated very badly and she thinks i was right to tell the younger daughter that i caught her boyfriend with another girl.She also said she badly wants to make a meands; she is forever inviting us round for dinner ( i wont go though) and she askes after me, so does her lovely boyfriendand they are trying incrdeably hard to make us all a huge family, and i know in my heart and my instincts tells me they are both genuine.However i will not go round to their house, i wont have them at ours either and i have never met them face to face.....i dnt know whats wrong with me i just feel like this is deja'vu ,i feel like being that i made so much effort with my husbands younger daughter why the hell should i do round two with this older one when it went so badly wrong last time.And i know i was probably the one to blame 'treating her like my own daughter and stuck my nose in her relationship' i will never do that again as long as i live!however although i have learnt my lesson i am still very scared to try with this other daugther, they want a step mum so bad ( i am confirmed infertile and will never have my own kids and i badly want kids.)What a bloody mess i dont want to get hurt again but all i did before was try to be a step mum, now i dont want to forgive anyone anything!am i being a tota b***h or what?ANY advice from anyone in all walks of life will be greatly appreciated.They are desperate to meet me (and to make a mends and bring the family together) they even nag the youngiest girl about the old situation (now they know the facts) and they say to her 'you owe this woman an appology, she was just looking out for you because she loved you so much, she is good for dad, try to see she meant no harm"In my heart i want to give them all a chance-but my head keeps saying keep the hell away from his family, they are all adults and dont really need you or their dad in their lives, just tell them were to go and you wont get hurt!I dont want to do that but i cried so much when i lost the love and respect from his 19 yyr old youngest (it was like a knife in my stomach all the swearing and abuse she threw at me.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the last 3 posts/advice thankyou much appreciated,yes i already know in my heart that i will give the second daughter a chance, their family is not all bad.I was incredably hurt as all this kicked off fairly soon (a couple of months after my husband and i found out i will never have kids of my own)so yeah i have been slightly depressed and more sensitive then usual, i think i will allow us all to slowly grow together and see what happens.much appreciated to you all.
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (23 August 2011):
 I think you might be punishing one daughter for the wrongdoings the other one did.
You might be scared of hurting again or being taken advantage of?
The daughter that is reaching out to you is asking for a second chance. Instead of meeting at her house or your house, how about a neutral territory like a cafe?
What about meeting her, with her father/your husband for a breakfast and talking?
Take baby steps. It does not have to be "All or Nothing".
This daughter than wants to make amends, may not be trying to make you a Mother figure, but trying to reestablish the sense of family and some emotional security and acceptance.
They probably really need a good female role model and see that you have those desirable qualities!
If these were your own biological kids, you would be just as hurt. Do you think you might be willing to try and mend the broken relationship?
What does your husband think in all this?
I think you and your husband should at least meet with her and talk to each other.
It may not become the ideal situation, but you could learn to be cordial to one another and bring some peace and forgiveness to all of you. You might feel better taking the knife out:)
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): I totally agree with the second post-yes no one can possibly blame you for what you have tried to do,
you are a good wife to your husband-as by trying to be there for his daughters 'when they sound a little spoilt to be frank' i think you did a wanderful thing,
you had her back in a aukward sitution and for that she threw it in your face and truned on you,
just to find out later that you were right all along about her boyfriend, please bare in mind (as i am a mother of 5) teens DO NOT LIKE TO HEAR THE TRUTH! under any curcumstances, but sometimes they have to wake up to reality and be told whats going on under the noses.
Please dont beat yourself up over this try to start a fresh with the other daughter, keep trying with them, families should try to forgive one another as a strong union will be importnat threw out their lives.
You are a good role model and you can now be even better by letting go of the past and moving on and letting sleeping dogs lie,
i know you are hurt but allow this other daughter to show you that you are welcome in her family, that she herself would love you to be excepted as a step mother.
Just take one step at a time, and dont let teenagers upset you as i know for a fact what they say half the time is simply govern by their raging hormones and never really what they genuingly feel deep down inside.
The only reason the other daughter didnt come and say she was sorry when she found out you were right about her boyfriend is this; PRIDE pure and simple, she was so mortified that he was sleeping around and you could see it before she could, her pride was truly hurt and she couldnt face you.
Dont worry try to allow them to come to you in their own time, and dont reject them, i believe you will be good for their family if you allow them back into your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): Nah i totally disagree with the anonymous women who first left you that reply,
shes wrong, your husbands family sound like they need the love and attention you are willing to give, you seem to be getting the raw end of the deal to be honest.....
his other daughter treated you terribly when you were trying to be their for her as a step-mother (i know this feeling and can relate to it as i too have step kids and their not easy to deal with either) you are alwasy compared to the original parent when thats the last thing you want to do is try and REPLACE anyone, your just trying to bring his famiily together and have a happy relationship....
and no one can blame you for that,nah i think take a deep breath, relax slowly allow yourself to forgive and then try again with this other daughhter and hopefully in the future the other one as well.
Take your time, dont rush and just take baby steps with all of them, it will not be easy for you to forgive them but try.
Dont give up or beat yourself up over it, they will come round 'dont give up on his kids as you will be in a better position if you be the bigger person and forgive and try again.
Good luck my dear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): First of all, I can understand why you have reservations about this - it sounds like a very emotionally heightened situation, with a lot of histrionics kicking off! No wonder you feel a bit nervous!
However, I think you need to think about this less in terms of familial relationships (mother/daughter) and more in terms of individual relationships (person/person). You can never be a 'mother' to these girls - they already have a figure in their life to do that, however wayward and irresponsible she is. You can't (and should not try to) replace her (and indeed I would be very cautious indeed of speaking of their mother to them in any terms less than absolutely glowing respect - it's the only classy thing to do, however she's actually behaved).
So, I recommend that for now you drop any idea of being a 'mother figure' to these girls. That kind of relationship isn't something that you can choose - it's a matter of trust, built up over decades and decades, not something that can be developed overnight. Focus for now on simply being a good friend to these women - they've had a horrible time lately and I'm sure you could be a sunny, positive influence in their lives. Show care and respect, and they will come to see you as family. But it is a long term thing, and you are not in a position to demand anything from them other than basic civility.
I'm a bit bothered that you're punishing the older daughter because of the faults of the younger daughter. That's really not fair. This woman is holding out an olive branch to you, and it's a bit discourteous not to meet her simply because her sister did something wrong. She's her own person, and should be treated on her own merits. How would you like to be judged by the failures of a sibling?
With the second daughter, I am a bit surprised that such a trivial event has been allowed to divide the family. So she yelled some abuse at you? Big deal! Is that worth sacrificing a whole bunch of family relationships for? Your pride is preventing you from seeing that there is a very hurt 19 year old, who has just lost both her relationship, her trust in men and the world, and her mother, who needs care and help. Sure, her behaviour was wrong, but if you really cared about her as a person, no amount of swearing would stop you from giving her the support and love she needs right now. Is that what a mother would do?
You sound like you're a very on/off person - either you're the best, best, best friend of someone, or you're willing to wash your hands of them. Life doesn't work like that! You have to earn trust, respect, and love over many years. I think that you should be very wary of interfering in the lives of these women. While I'm not remotely condoning the behaviour of the 19 year old, telling someone that their partner is cheating on them can feel very intrusive, and I'm not completely surprised she was upset - it's a very humiliating experience for her. She was very wrong to shout and swear at you, but it was also a bit risky and unwise to assume that you could simply take on the role of the mother in such a new relationship. It might have been better to let your partner, their father, or the sister handle sensitive situations in future. Remember: preserving family relationships, and being sensitive, is far more important than exerting your own power.
If you want to be seen as a mother figure by them, be a force for kindness and care in their lives, never a force for negativity. Give, without expecting to receive anything back. Offer care, and try to be compassionate and understanding even when they are rude and difficult back. Keep that up for decades and decades, and you might earn the title of 'step mum'! In the meantime, do your best to decrease the drama, and be a kind force in their lives.
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