A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am about to be married. My fiance' is East Indian, I am white. He was born here in America, so he has a lot of the same beliefs that I do and agrees with me on how things should go. His parents, however, are from India and expect him and me to do things according to how it's done in India. My fiance' is Christian and so am I. We want to get married in the church we attend. They are expecting us to have the full out Hindu wedding his brother had. Neither of us wants this. His mother is expecting me to change my full name, not just my last. (In India, when a woman gets married, she changes her first name, takes her husband's first name for her middle name, and then his last name.)I really don't want to do that, and my future husband doesn't want me to, either. She expects our children to go through all the blessings of the Hindu temple, and we completely disagree with that.Another problem is her other daughter in law. This girl came from India and is just horrible to her in laws. She's mean, crude, and a bit of a brat. My fiance's mother is starting to draw towards me because I genuinely like her and treat her like a person should be treated. I'm afraid that her other daughter in law is going to start resenting me and make herself more unpleasant. She brought it on herself, I realize that, but she doesn't think her behavior is wrong. Anyways, this is all very touchy and it's hard to talk about with his mother because it's almost like she'll take it as a personal insult if we don't do things the way she wants them done. Can anyone give me some advice on this? Has anyone gone through this? And how can I possibly make peace with my fiance's sister in law? She doesn't like me so much because I'm white, and she's not very willing to be friends. (Honestly, I don't want to be friends, but I'll at least try to get along with her nicely.)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): if your so against your husbands background and where he is from then you shouldn't have married an indian.
A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (12 March 2008):
 I think the answers you have been given are good advice. Is it not possible to meet them half way, and have some of what you two want, and some of what the family would wish. After all! you are joining there family as he is yours. It would be nice if you could sort this all out together. Your future mother in law, sounds like a nice lady, and you appear to have a good relationship with her. And I am sure that tradition is important to her, so by involving her in your decision's could be a way of overcoming this problem. If you make it seem that her opinion is important to you, she will be less likely to dig her heels in.As for the other sister in law, just ignore her. Be polite, but if she is rude then walk away. Its not worth getting involved in that problem.Lastly! It's your day, and it should be special for you. But when you have children you will understand how important all this stuff is. I am a great believer that you should keep some traditions, and it would be a shame (in my opinion) for them all to dissapear.Have a great day, my best for your future.XX
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (12 March 2008):
I agree with the people above that you could have both ceremonies.A friend of mine was under lots of pressure to have a very traditional Christian wedding from his mother. "It won't be a proper wedding if you don't have fruit cake!! It's traditional!" In the end they canceled everything and booked a trip to Las Vagas. His mum cried for 4 days but came to the wedding and loved it, she realised how happy they were.Your sister in law could be a blessing in disguise. It means your mum in law sees that you are a lovely person and is close to you despite your differences. Go round and talk to her alone, talk to her about how her wedding day was, and how you have always dreamed yours will be. I am sure she will see that having you in her family is more important than the wedding day. Make it clear how happy you are to be joining them, go girly on her and tell her how you have been practicing your new signature.At the end of the day, 2 weddings and 2 big parties are always better than 1. Hindu wedding dresses are gorgeous, celebrate every way you can.As for the name, gently make it clear that you are keeping your first name. Perhaps a compromise would be to take your husbands full name in after that. For everyday use you will still be going from Miss Sarah Jones to Mrs Sarah Smith or whatever.As for the sister in law, avoidance is the best policy. Let her make a mess of her life for now at least as she makes you look so much better. After the wedding, you can try and build bridges, ask her to come shopping with you etc. Remember she is in a strange land and may be reacting badly to it all. Take the high ground.Good Luck x
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 March 2008):
 You can have a Christian wedding and then a traditional Hindu weddings to appease your in laws . You can give this a thought as you will be giving grace(face) to your husband.As to your sister in law , just treat her courteously and be civil to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): His parents need to butt out of your affairs - it is your wedding and none of their business.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (12 March 2008):
 Hi,
It is your marriage and your choice where you get married.
However, as with all traditional cultures most simply think they are right and their way is the only way, of course a lot of Christians believe this as well so it is six of one half a dozen of the other.
But at the end of the day, it is you getting married not your mother in law to be. There is no way everyone is going to be happy, but you should at least try and meet them halfway, can you have two weddings. Here in Australia they are quite common, the Christian couple get married in their church and then have a second traditional ceremony for the parents and relatives.
As for the pyscho sister in law, all you can do is avoid her like the plague, it seems like every family has one, so just stay out of her way. Imagine what her poor husband has to put up with.
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