A
female
age
41-50,
*ovely32
writes:So I am having issues coping with my feeling here. I was married for 8 years to a very wonderful father of our 2 kids but a really crappy and neglecting husband. It was wrong but I ended up having an emotional affair with a colleuge of mine. We never had sex but we kissed a lot. Regardless, my actions were unacceptable. Long story short, I have been living on my own now for a little over a month. I have no desire to get back with him as my emotional needs were not met by him but there is now a complication that has me confused. He has started to date my daughters best friends mom. She is also a good friend of mine. The thing is that I have a mixture of happy feelings for them because they are perfect for each other...soul mates. However, I am having a difficult time imagining my soon to be ex with her so soon after we separated. I mean we are not ever divorced yet and he has moved on after 12 years of being together. I think I am mad because he is disrespecting our memories and our past by being in a relationship. It's not healthy for him of course because he is putting a bandaid on his emotions but that is not my issue to worry about. My question is has anyone gone through similar emotions? I know it's not a competition but I can't help bet feel like he is winning the race of who can committ the worst adultery. He sees nothing wrong with his actions. Any ideas on how to get over these feelings would be much appreciated.
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affair, best friend, divorce, no desire Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): there is a saying: the best thing to do when you are cheated on, is to live a life well lived ( or something close)well your hb's ultimate revenge is living his life well after your cheating.LoveGirl
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): "because he is disrespecting our memories and our past by being in a relationship"
Really? Wow, you have an affair, cheating, and then end the marriage and you feel he is disrespecting your memories?
Were you really giving the relationship your all? Not a chance, you had an affair.
"very wonderful father of our 2 kids but a really crappy and neglecting husband"
No such thing really exists. Wonderful fathers treat their wives wonderfully as well. So, could it be that you didn't allow him to be the wonderful husband? Clearly there is more to this than you are posting.
Then, soon as he is available, another woman who both you know wants him. Why? Why would she want a crappy and neglecting husband?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): I did about the same thing as you after 14 years of marriage. Actual divorce came through recently. Now she is dating and telling me about her great new BF, how he is so squared away, successful, etc. It sucks, but emotions have nothing to do with pieces of paper, divorce decrees or durations of "acceptable" time. If he feels like he needs someone, there's nothing you can really do about it. But...consider your own freedom, opportunities and stay dignified through it all. A bit of jealousy or concern is normal...after all, that was your partner for many years. I also tend to reminisce and feel like her new life tramples the past, but memories are memories...in the past, and need to remain there. You need to accept the relationship died a natural death...you feel guilt no doubt, as I did, but you can't go on punishing yourself. Happy people don't cheat and good marriages dont fail. You were searching because, in your words, the marriage was "crappy" and he didn't meet your emotional needs. Now is YOUR time to find what your needs are and go after them. It's NOT being selfish, it's pursuing a mutual happiness that wasn't available to either of you in your marriage. He is only doing the same, and if you ever loved him or love him still, you will let him be happy. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): You cheated on your husband, now you are jealous that he has moved on.U think that because u don't want him, nobody will?Honey, you made a decision. Now live with it.If your husband is now happy, leave him be. You are getting nasty, and now dwelling in the past.Human emotions are a killer, isn't it? LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Lovely32 +, writes (28 March 2011):
Lovely32 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks honeypie. I have thought about your response and agree I appreciate you thoughtfulness this is a very difficult time. Full of excitement and anticipation of the future, sadness and heartache. I don't ish this on anyone
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 March 2011):
 I think one of the reason you felt neglected for so long was because you husband had already left the marriage (at least mentally) and long time before you two separated.
Also, people move on in different ways. From what I have seen some move straight to another relationship and others tend to not to want to have anything to do with a relationship.
Honestly, I do think it's a little in bad taste that he started off with a mutual friend as his "dating pool". I'm not really sure if that is his way of getting "even" with you, or if he just really has moved on. Only time will tell. Normally, I think dating before the ink is even dry is a little too fast. I don't believe a person is truly single again til the divorce is final.
The sooner you focus on yourself, the sooner you can move on too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): A bit rich of you to say he is disrespecting your relationship when you were carrying on while you were STILL living together....Regardless I do believe what he is doing is wrong, he is still married...Do you want to save your marriage??...Talk to your husband and get some help with counselling
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A
female
reader, nazeena  +, writes (28 March 2011):
I am sure this must be painful for you. I've never been married but I can speak from what I went through with my ex. People make mistakes, as no one in this world is perfect. Over time people feelings change. I believe strongly in faith. To you it may seem that he has moved on too fast, but at the same time you don't even know how long he has been eyeing this other woman. The worst part is that it's a friend of yours and someone that your daugther knows. My ex boyfriend broke up with me after 11 years, and he has moved on. It really hurts me but I think of it that it was meant to happen and a better person is out there for me. Regardless of what she might not even be the one for your husband, she might be there now, but she could only be a rebound until someone else comes across. Believe and trust what I say don't be confused. Take care of yourself go out with friends and have your own time. Don't even think about him or wonder about, yes ofcourse he will pop up in your thougths...but say to yourself if he can do it...then why can't I. You have the power to do anything my dear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): People are all different. I have been the type to move on has soon as possible, as much as I loved a person. It is not a healthy thing to do. It does not mean he didn't love you or still does not care about you.
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