A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello my sister is now married to my ex boyfriend. We broke up in our early 20s. I'm not trying to make myself out to be God's gift to men but he was fixated on me since high school. Flash forward to 2008 and they get married. My sister has isolated herself in this marriage and I swallow a lot to maintain our sisterhood because she's the only family I have left.We suffered a lot in our childhood with poverty, struggling, frustrated parents etc. I deal with the ex for my sister.shes also learning disabled and has been taken advantage of by other men and I feel the ex manipulated her because even my sister will still admit to this day he hounded her to date him. ONCE, he admitted he pushed her to date him. My parents never addressed this at all with any of her manipulative boyfriend's, ever. They were surely hands off parenting. The husband treats her like a baby but it's her life. Although it's hard to watch, I haven't said anything since they got engaged to respect her decision. But this isn't even the current problem, just my recollection of events and history I've had a few Long term relationships and they've gotten along with my brother in law. Not best friends or anything but there was respect.Now, He's rude and ignores my current boyfriend 9 out of 10 times we see them. He talks behind his back and my sister does nothing. My boyfriend, very calmly, tried to address it man to man through email as talking in person didn't work because the bro in law is rude but my brother in law reacted by not letting my sister see me! I missed her birthday and she missed my kids' birthdays. My boyfriend is upset at me because he feels like he's on a reality show as I've dated my brother in law who I'll admit is a jerk to him. It was 15 years ago already. Part of me wants to try talking again to my sister but she's delayed and just blindly ignored blood over water. I'm having problems with someone I think is The One but she can't reel in her husband. I'm annoyed her choice of dating an ex that practically stalked me is causing me problems so many years later. I only want everyone to be cordial and see my only family time to time. It's even hard to see her on our own bc her husband always wants to come. My boyfriend is losing his patience over what he calls a Jerry Springer episode. I know she's practically choosing her husband over me but I can't bring myself to do the same. My boyfriend is also very frustrated and feels it's already bad enough he has to be in the same room as an ex of mine. Please help and sorry this is so long.
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female
reader, Ms Badger  +, writes (1 June 2018):
OP this sounds like an incredibly difficult situation that you are in. On the one hand it seems like he is trying to isolate his sister from you and/or get at you at some way by being blatantly disrespectful. On the other hand your sister is learning disabled and you are obviously concerned about her wellbeing.I honestly don't think there is an easy answer unfortunately. And personally I don't believe that there is a rule that family automatically trump spouses ie blood is thicker than water. It sounds as if you feel a great deal of responsibility for your sister, understandably so as your parents weren't up to the job. And it doesn't sound a healthy situation for her but what can you reallý do? I feel that you have prioritise yourself and your relationship. Take the air out of the whole Jerry Springer situation. Does your partner have to be there when you see your sister and BIL? Reduce contact for a while, shorter visits etc.Talk to your partner and come up with an action plan to deal with this. And frankky discuss the whole BIL is your ex thing and then put it to bed.Sadly you can't control your sister or her husband. All you can do is manage your relationship with them to reduce drama and conflict so that your sister still remains in your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2018): [EDIT]:
"His wickedness can undo love or your genetic-relation."
Correction:
"His wickedness can't undo your love, or disconnect your genetic-relation." Try as he may!
Post script:
Maybe your sister will snap out of it, maybe she won't. At the moment; her marriage is more permanent than your commitment to your boyfriend.
Just be creative, adaptive, and cunning. Figure-out clever ways to work your way around her husband when you can. Otherwise; leave it up to your sister to come to you. You've done more than enough. If she won't go out of her way for you; you have to realize and conclude that's where you stand with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2018): Your sister has clearly made a choice between you and her husband. You are clearly aware of all the details of how their relationship works. Your ex-boyfriend may have only married your sister to be in your life indefinitely; and to manipulate your sister. Perhaps for your discomfort; and to create estrangement, or put a strain on your relationship whenever possible. It's no news to you! His wickedness can undo love or your genetic-relation. He can only get in the way.
Stop forcing your boyfriend on her husband. Who says they have to get along? They're not related, and he's just your boyfriend. He's not your husband! This friction between them may not even be about you. Maybe he just doesn't like the guy. Period!
Your sister maybe the type of woman who takes on a man with a forceful and aggressive personality; because weak-women think they can compensate for their lack of strength through men. Instead, they create an environment for themselves more like imprisonment. He's in control, usually abusive, and she thinks that's what strength looks like.
You don't have as great of a relationship with your sister as you may think you have. Otherwise; nothing could come between you. She doesn't have your strength, or possess the durable-connection you have linked to her. So you can only visit when you can, maintain your family-connections through social media; and steal-away moments together when her husband is working, or out of town.
Sorry if I offend you; but I think you're making a lot of unnecessary drama, trying to pretend you have the kind of family-situation you really don't have. Forcing two guys on each other who don't get along, is only instigating trouble. Placing your sister in the position to choose between you and her husband, is unfair. You've chosen to stand-by your man; so why shouldn't she stand by hers?
I'm like your boyfriend. It's all Jerry Springer, and I wouldn't let you or your sister drag me into your family-drama.
You'll have to act like a cheating-couple. Sneak around! Call her, send her cards, video-chat; and offer open-invitations minus her husband. Leave it up to her to decide to travel alone. If she won't; then let her be.
You can't magically-create a family-type that you don't have. Not when you're two full-grown women who've made their own decisions; and have chosen the men they want to be with. I recommend you see less of your sister to make her miss you more. Make her starve for your company and contact! Place more of the yearning for sister-love on her. You've been the one going out of your way. Now it's her turn. Leave the men out of it; it's about you and your sister!
Be realistic. What can you possibly enjoy when the whole time you're together it's nothing but drama and friction?
My heart goes out to you. It's a very unfortunate situation; because you obviously have a heart of gold, and you truly love your sister. This is the choice she has made; so you have to accept it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 May 2018):
 I agree with Code Warrior that you CAN NOT control how people act. Not your sister's husband nor your own BF.
However, your BF needs to stop focusing on the fact that the BIL is your ex. It does seem like YOUR BF also like to create a little drama here and there, and I think it's partly insecurities from his end.
My advice? I would suggest you find ways to hang out with your sister ALONE. NO Bf, not BIL. JUST you two. She obviously means a lot to you and I wouldn't "toss" her to the side because the men can't behave. They are egging each other on.
Your BIL enjoys watching you squirm. Enjoys making you uncomfortable. So WHY give him the choice to do so? Just make plans to see your sister... He can entertain himself for a few hours here and there - and so can your BF.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (30 May 2018):
 I have to agree with Code Warrior.
you can't make others do the right thing (or the wrong thing for that matter). You've done the best you can so maybe it's time to quietly and gradually distance yourself from the both of them.
Remember that this is not carved in granite. Announcing what you're doing is just confrontational, it commits you to a particular course of action and makes it harder for either of you to rekindle your relationship later on.
Take longer to respond, be less available and be cordial when you do talk. If they seldom see you then you'll have more interesting things to talk about when you do connect and when you sense the conversation is getting stale or could venture into old, unfriendly territory then draw it to a close. 'It was nice catching up with you, Sally, but I've gotta run. I'm looking forward to seeing/talking to you again.'
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2018): Thank you everyone. This is OP. I know I messed up by not disclosing we dated. It's not the first time a man is uncomfortable especially after they meet my BIL, brother in law. My sister could be talking but he's looking right at me. Even I feel weird! But I've tolerated this for my sister. I don't know if he hits her. He's definitely emotionally abuses her. She can't see me without him and he's even tried to see me without her.I don't know why he thinks it's ok to visit my kids without my sister! My BF thinks it doesn't make sense. He pays half the bills here, bought all new beds and sofas and BIL is rude to him in our home. He's never ever tried anything sexually with me after we dated. Also we did date for a few years on and off. If I want help, I have to be honest because my bf now has helped me a lot. I feel it in my heart he actually, truly loves my kids. I have no doubt at all. I also slept with my BIL during my first divorce. I was in a bad place, bad choices, I put myself first and while yes we were divorcing, I was still living at home, sharing the room so my ex considered it still cheating as we both knew he was a germ ophobe and he found out after it happened. I tried to hide it as this was 12 years ago but someone told my BF. My BIL has gossiped about me on his "good days" to my current BF. For example, he told my current BF tobe careful with me when we started dating. I think he may have told him. I had come clean w everything, as I had no choice due to my hiding that I dated BIL. We are finally in a better place but I want to see my sister. She can't come see me alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2018): Thank you. This is OP. I've never seen my brother in law be so rude to my partners before. I felt it wasn't my place but my sister's to speak to him because he once disrespected a male friend and my brother in law and I got into a screaming match. He also still stares me down, even in front of my current bf. I can't blame him for feeling strange. If it was rude to my family, I'd definitely say something. I was also really embarrassed about my history so to be honest, I did not say I dated my brother in law.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2018): Sorry but i have to somewhat agree with youcannotbeserious..Your brother in law has managed to get on with your other boyfriends but not the current one, why is that? It is not because he is fixated on you because again he got on well with your other boyfriends. You admit your current boyfriend says things like 'Jerry Springer episode', finds it hard to be in the same room as your ex and he has written emails yet you have had the self control all these years to be okay with him and now it is suddenly a problem, i have to ask you who put the problem there really?It could just be they simply don't get on, therefore, your boyfriend simply stays away when you see your sister, sorry but if it has always been the norm for her husband to be around why would he and i am sure he won't anyway bail out and stay away? Is it really so difficult for you to see your sister without your boyfriend? I manage to visit my family quite often without mine, if it is such a problem for your boyfriend then is that surely not the answer since you can still be polite to her husband?You say your sister is being treated like a baby but to a certain extent you treat her that way as well, just in what you say. She is a grown woman who made her choices in life, so long as this man is not abusing her and you have not said you have those concerns how they interact in their relationship is their business. Have a good think about what is going on here but if it really is her husband in the wrong and you really believe that you need to speak to your boyfriend and nip this in the bud. If that is honestly the case he needs to stop giving her husband the power of thinking he affects you and your boyfriend, he needs to learn to be polite as you are.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (30 May 2018):
 You are not going to like my reply, but I do hope you read it and consider that there may be at least some elements of truth in it.
You see, to me, your boyfriend is being every bit as much of a jerk as your sister's husband. I mean "it's already bad enough he has to be in the same room as an ex of mine". What sort of idiot is this man? Who does he think he is? What is so wonderful about him that you cannot see his behaviour as that of a petulant child with delusions of entitlement? The first time he said something along those lines to you should also have been the last if you had had any sense. However, it sounds like you are feeding those feelings of entitlement instead of telling him to stop being ridiculous.
Additionally, you are ALL trying to manipulate your poor sister. I would hate to be HER, stuck in the middle of this battle ground. To be honest, SHE is the one I feel for in this situation. It is not HER place to "reel in" her husband. YOU sound to have as much of a sense of entitlement as does your boyfriend. Perhaps YOU need to "reel in" your current boyfriend and stop giving him such free reign to cause bad feeling because HE is not being liked.
You need to bring it home to your boyfriend, in words he can understand, that it is not YOUR fault your sister chose to marry one of your ex boyfriends. The situation is what it is. Your boyfriend presumably knew before you two became serious about your history with your brother in law. The past cannot be changed so, if he cannot get his head round the fact that this ex of yours is probably going to be around for a long time, he needs to make a decision whether he wants to hang around in this relationship. (In your shoes, I would be making the decision for him.)
Secondly, you cannot control other people's behaviour. Your sister is bound to side with her husband because he has her ear and he is her husband. She may side with him for a quiet life (if what you say is true, he sounds like he could make life unpleasant for her if he so decided). She may side with him because she actually believes he is the one in the right. After all, your boyfriend has no RIGHT to demand her husband respects him or gets on with him. Maybe, just maybe, her husband is rude to your boyfriend because he sees him for the jerk he is and chooses to have as little contact with him as possible.
If you choose to stay with this current boyfriend you need to open your eyes and realize he is petulant and self-obsessed. He doesn't sound any more of a prize than your brother in law but it is your choice whether you put up with his behaviour. Personally I would be asking myself the question, "What is this man doing to IMPROVE my life? Would my life be easier without him? Would my life be less stressful if he wasn't stirring up trouble with my sister and her husband?"
You cannot change the past. You cannot control other people's behaviour. However, you CAN open your eyes and start making better choices for yourself and your children.
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