A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I try to be nice to my sister-in-law, but her absolute indifference and apathy towards my wife and me is upsetting. My wife and I recently got back from a trip to Europe with my wife's mom. When we got back we wanted to meet with my sister-in-law to give her the gifts we bought for her and her son. We spent a lot of time picking gifts out and we thought about things they might like. That is, not just typical tourist souvenirs like magnets or t-shirts. Sister-in-law agreed to meet us for lunch, but she didn't ask us about our trip at all. Every other person we've talked to is curious about our trip, but my sister-in-law didn't even ask why we were there. (I was there for accept an academic honor and then we took time for ourselves.) All she wanted to do was talk about her own life and some silly argument about SPAM e-mails she had with a man she has a crush on.It's not that I needed her to gush over our adventures in Europe, but isn't it polite to ask? She didn't even ask which countries we went to. This is made harder to believe given that her mom was also with us. All she wanted to discuss was our opinion about this e-mail. She is a 43 year old woman, not a 13 year old. I do not think she is jealous in any way. She is just that self-centered. I told my wife that I feel like I do not wish to associate with her anymore and while she agrees on some points, but told me to stop bashing her sister. I am just beyond disgusted at her indifference. I feel like she could care less if we live or die. This is not an isolated incident. She is always like this. For example, our house was damaged in a wind storm and she didn't offer to let us stay with her. What makes it worse is that we have done so much for her. She even lived with us for a few years (with her son) while she got her life in order after her divorce.I wouldn't associate with her anymore if she wasn't my wife's sister and I am at the point where I'd rather not even though she is. I feel like writing her a letter and telling her how I feel about her actions, but my wife told me it won't help anything. Is there any way to get through to her or do I just write her off as someone I see once per year and exchange superficial pleasantries with? I really wish I knew why she acts like this towards us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): OP the wording of my reply was quite damning and a bit vicious really, it was a bit more of a rant than anything else which I have a tendency to do. But I stick by my main point, you can't squeeze blood out of a stone.
Life's a lot easier when you realize that some people are the way they are and as long as they're not being purposefully ignorant because they don't like you then it's something you really should try and look past.
I have a similar friend, the conversation always somehow turns to her, you could tell her something amazing that has happened to you and she'd show no enthusiasm at all for it and merely give a one sentence platitude. She's completely self-absorbed but not in a bad way for others but more in a bad way for herself. She's not happy with life, when she hears others having good times and doing good things she can't feel happy for them because it makes her feel so inept and adequate about her own life.
OP all I'm saying is it's your expectations that have to change. If doing stuff for her and getting nothing in return bothers you, then don't go so far. Be nice to her and do things for your nephew in law but don't be so quick to offer your time and emotion to her. For the sake of peace of mind and also so that you don't get pissed off and vent to your wife about her etc. just try and accept that this woman is the way she is and bending over backwards to help her isn't going to change the person she is and you're unlikely to get anything in return from her. So do things for the sake of it feeling good to do so or because this is your wife's sister and by doing and being good to her you make your wife happy.
Basically OP, you can't change her no matter what you do but you can change you, and you can find a way of putting your mind at ease while also not rocking the boat and keeping a happy medium where you're not frustrated with her but also not completely cut off from her.
Just find that happy medium.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012):
I am the original author. I feel a bit misunderstood and maybe it is how I worded the posting.
Isn't it considered polite conversation to inquire about others in a general sense? I mention the trip because it was a significant event for us and my sister-in-law's mother and yet it still spawned no real inquiry.
Truthfully, I find it very rude not to inquire about others. I certainly ask about her and what she's been up to - and in a genuine way. For her to sit there and act disinterested and focus on her own issues (which I was glad to discuss for a LITTLE BIT) seemed petty.
I know it sounds like I am just as petty as she is, but the reality is that I am always the one reaching out to her and she is always the one pretending not to get my messages or excluding us from her plans. I made sure to bring her something from our travels that she would really like and appreciate and she didn't even care. She didn't inquire after her mom either, which included its own information we would have liked to share if given a chance.
I really felt (and do feel) kept at arm's length despite trying to be nice. Like I said, she even LIVED with me. Any feeling that I am trying to boast or whatever as suggested here - if that's how she feels - is in her own head. How can we work around that? Even people I barely know are polite enough to ask how our trip was and in my mind it is significant that she went out of her way NOT to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): You, your wife, and her mother went on an exciting trip that your wife's sister didn't get to go on (whatever the reason was).
Either your wife or her mother told your SIL where you were going and why before you even left, so she had no reason to ask. It sounds as if you wanted yet another chance to boast about the honor you received, and you're miffed that your SIL didn't give you the opportunity.
From what you've said, it sounds as if your wife doesn't harbor any anger towards her sister; the bad feelings are all on your side. For your wife's sake you need to let it go.
If it makes you feel better, write that letter to your SIL. However, do NOT send it! Instead, once you've expressed yourself, tear the letter into tiny pieces. As you tear it up, take deep, cleansing breaths & say something along the lines of, "As I shred this paper, so I shred my anger."
This may sound silly but it can really help.
If you'd rather hold onto your anger towards your SIL, though, you still need to stop bashing her to your wife. Continuing to do so will only make your wife resent you. And, as other aunts have said, stay out of your wife's relationship with her sister. (Remember the song with the line, "Lord help the mister who comes between me and my sister"!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): Seems like you and she are very much alike OP. Here you are complaining about how all she thinks about is her all the while you're pissed off because she didn't pay enough attention to you or your holiday.
Sorry OP but you sound just as petty as you claim she is. What's the big deal, so what if she has her head in the clouds and is self-centred? Surely in your life you've met lots of people like that that didn't mean anything bad by it? Or do you think you have some kind of automatic right for her to make a special effort not to be who she is around you. Did you ever think that maybe she's a bit hurt and jealous that you all get to these great things and travel and have awards all the while she's alone raising a kid after a failed marriage and the most interesting thing in her life is an email with some douchebag she's afraid to make the moves on?
You're so worked up about this wholly meaningless thing to the point where you feel the need to write her a letter? What is she a store who sold you a broken product or provided a rude service? No she's your wife's sister, she's your extended family OP and who's the petty and self centred one in all this when you want to cut her out of your life and be thoroughly ignorant to her just because she didn't ask you about you over a cup of coffee?
If you ask me OP you're being very patronizing here, you just got an academic award yet you don't seem to get that this woman doesn't exactly seem to have it all that great and you're upset because she doesn't recognize your brilliance or ask you to spin a great yarn about how awesome it is to be you and your wife?
If she wasn't your wife's sister I'd tell you to walk away and not talk to her anymore, the last person she needs in her life is a petty, self-centred man who gets upset over a cup coffee because she didn't ask about you or how great your holiday was. She probably deserves to have people who are more empathetic of the way she is, more tolerant of her personality or the problems she may be going through rather than criticize her for not gushing all over you about your holiday.
"I really wish I knew why she acts like this towards us."
Why don't you take a look in the mirror instead OP and examine your own behaviour here, is it just me or is there some hypocrisy going on? Now defend your side all you want, use your intellect to question what I say and get defensive if you like OP but at the end of the day it was conversation over a cup of coffee and if she's always been like this then the bigger person would have figured by now that she's like that.
At the end of the day she's your sister in law, she's going to be a part of your life whether you like it or not, are you really going to get this upset by all these meaningless little things? It's not for you to change her, it's not for you to judge who she is or how she treats others. You should rise above it, accept who she is and perhaps understand that it's most likely who she is and she doesn't mean anything by it.
You kind of sound like a teenager who has a crush on a girl and she doesn't pay him enough attention.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 July 2012):
 Obviously she isn't a very emphatic person and don't seem to care much about other. I would call her emotionally stunted? Maybe she is picking up on your hostility?
So, knowing that, cut the contact to a minimum, but let your wife visit/spend time with her sister as SHE sees fit (your wife that is) it is after all HER sister. And just because you don't like the SIL doesn't mean you wife has to dislike her too.
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