A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have been with my girlfriend for seven years now, and has been great. Im thinking it soon maybe time to pop the question but i haven't yet because we're trying to finish college. My issue is not with my girlfriend but with my older sister. Growing up we were very close, and we still are. She's married and has moved out with her husband. I hate to say it but i believe that my sister dislikes my girlfriend for some reason or another, none that i can think of. But i get hints for example.... my girlfriend and i will be talking and my sister will rudely interrupt my girlfriend. This hurts my girlfriend and hurts me in the long run. I sense that there is soo much tension between the both of them but they play along for the most part ( as in getting along). My brother-in law also makes comments regarding my sisters dislikes of my girlfriend, and it hurts me, these comments are simply directed that my "girlfriend controls my life", which is simply not the case, we compromise in our arguments and seem to find happy mediums, where my sister and her husband still argue about incidents that occured years ago, (rather childish) for a married couple i believe. I feel that the relationship that i have with my girlfriend is much more true and balanced than there's. I make these comparisons because i don't receive the same respect for my relationship as they do for theirs. It is very difficult for me to address people in a negative way, "i don't seek the argument" but the arguments find me in return. My sister has hurt time and time again, but one time really took me over the edge... Mother's day sunday, it is usually the case that the family stays in and cooks, but it would be nice to take my mother out for lunch. So we planned my girlfriend and i to bring my mother and father, grandmother to a restaurant that is a 1 hour away from where we live. This was not just a restaurant but somewhere where my parents have gone for many years to celebrate events or vacation and many times had taken my grandfather as he was very ill and was one of his favorite places. So it was a family tradition, that we held close to our hearts because it was somewhere he liked to go with us, until he died. That day i had asked my sister before where she and her husband were thinking of going and she mentioned somewhere nearby, somewhere where they wouldn't have to drive far just to eat. "just to eat". It was mother's day, this was supposed to be special. I did not choose this place because i was a fan of the food but simply because it was somewhere that was special to my mother, grandmother and all of us. My sister complained of going , simply because her husband didn't feel like it. BUt if it was his family, he would have gone. we went and the tension was high , my sister and husband barely touched their food (and pouted the entire time). I was disgusted! SInce then 3 months later or so i have not been conversational with my sister, just a hello, bye ....yes,no....(she still doesn't understand why im mad) I need help! I want to tell her how i feel, but i don't want arguments, and I want everthing to be right with her and my girlfriend who i love so much but i don't know how. If this was before i met my girlfriend i prob. would have let this pass and not even think of saying anything, but i think she has helped me open my eyes and stop letting people take advantage of me. I need help in fixing this situation
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007): Hi love,
You sound so happy with your girfriend, You are also a caring considerate young man who wants to make his family happy by doing something lovely for mothers day...
You sister is acting like a spoilt child who canot get her own way and you are left with the worry of all this, hun if you cant get the words out as you feel there will be arguments then write your sister a letter about all your concerns. Even if they are not happy with what they are reading it tends to sink in a little more. Plus you can go over a letter more than once and maybe just maybe she will understand why you have been so upset, Im not saying she will be all sorrys and everything will be fine, But at least you will have got what you need to say down and she can read it in her own time without you both arguing.
To be quite honest its nobodys business but yours and she shouldnt be making any kind of coment about your girlfriend and neither should her husband, they may have a few issues of there own if they are having ago at you, I dont see another point unless she is jelous of your relationship.
It could be just unhappyness on there part and you just get it unfortunatly love.
You sound happy other than this so just be happy with the girl you love and do the things you want to make your family happy and if your sister cant understand then at the end of the day you have written and said how you feel in a nice way, You've tryed to build the bridge with honesty then that is a problem that she has to deal with... HOPE THIS HELPED TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXX
A
female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (11 July 2007):
This kind of problem more usually happens between a man’s mother and his girlfriend. It’s a jealousy thing, where some mothers feel that the girlfriend is encroaching on ‘her territory’. They might think that the girl is not good enough, or does not treat her son right. Basically, it hurts to see her precious son moving away from her as he matures, and getting his love and support from ‘another woman’. Your sister is older than you, and as you have always been very close, she is probably having a similar problem. It could also be a personality clash of course. Maybe they would never have chosen to be mates whatever the circumstances in which they met.
None of this is meant to excuse your sister’s behaviour. It is a fact of life that as children grow up, they get their own lives and partners, and all of us with siblings and children have to deal with this. You can’t make your sister like your girlfriend, and you can’t stop her sulking when things don’t suit her.
What you have every right to do though, is to ask her to treat your girlfriend respectfully. Find an opportunity to speak to her on her own. Acknowledge that you know that she doesn’t particularly like your girlfriend. You know they are never going to be best mates, but she must do her best to be at least civil. Point out that you treat her husband with respect, and that is all you expect in return. Make it clear that this is YOU saying this, not what your girlfriend has asked you to say. Tell her that your relationship is permanent. It will be hard not to descend into an argument, so pick your moment carefully, and do your best to remain calm.
It would be a mistake to let this problem stop you from getting engaged. Unfortunately, spouses of siblings often don’t get on well. It’s sad that your sister and your girlfriend may never be mates, but that’s how the cookie crumbles sometimes. It needn’t cause problems. If you and your girlfriend can remain friendly towards your sister and her husband without trying too hard, they will probably come to accept her in time.
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