A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Am needing some advice, so hoping someone out there can help. I’m currently in a long term lesbian relationship. My partner and I are very happy together and moved in together about 4 months ago and things are still going well. Everyone in my family can see how happy I am and thankfully when I came out, and then introduced my new partner, nobody – friends and family included – had a problem with it. My family have welcomed my partner in to our family and she often joins myself and my family on outings, at dinner parties, for drinks etc. Recently however, I’ve discovered that one member of the family may be harbouring some very questionable views on my lesbian relationship and me being a lesbian. I need some advice as to how to handle it without causing a massive scene.Basically, what happened was last weekend my mum and step dad through me a graduation party (I’ve recently graduated from university) and our whole family was invited. As usual my partner came along and everyone was having a nice time. Towards the end of the night, and I think it’s important to say that everyone had had a few glasses of wine by this point – I was sitting with one of my aunties, we’ll call her Tanya. We were chatting away and she leaned in and asked me if I was happy in my relationship. I told her I was. We somehow got on to talking about how I’d come out as gay two years previous and also how I’d met my current partner. Tanya began talking about she felt that some of my bad experiences with men in the past had contributed to me coming out as a lesbian, and I said to her I would have come out as a lesbian eventually I think, but that yes, maybe my bad relationships with men didn’t help matters. I thought this was the end of it, but then she said that when she looked at my girlfriend she knew that she was 100% lesbian, but that when she looked at me, she wasn’t so convinced. She said she thought I would go back to men. I was really quite shocked by this as it implied that my current partner wasn’t going to be my life partner – something Tanya, and the rest of the family knows has been discussed and that my partner and I are planning on getting engaged in the near future. Even my mum refers to my girlfriend as her future daughter-in-law, that’s how serious it is! Tanya also said all this within earshot of my girlfriend and I saw that it had upset her. Later in the night I went up to my girlfriend and asked if she was ok and she explained she was really angry and upset at what Tanya had said because it implied that Tanya didn’t believe our relationship would last on the premise I used to date men, and believed I would go back to dating men eventually. This in turn implies that she doesn’t view my girlfriend and I’s relationship as one which will last – purely because she doesn’t believe I’m gay. I’ve never had to deal with anyone in the family not accepting I’m gay, let alone dealing with someone who is in complete denial that I’m a lesbian now. I myself was quite shocked by what she said, as I was under the impression everyone in the family was fine with my sexual orientation and fine with the fact that in my girlfriend I’ve found my soul mate.I told my girlfriend to just ignore what Tanya had said and reminded her that she’d had a bit to drink so maybe she just said the wrong thing without thinking but now in the cold light of day, I can’t forget it. It keeps coming to the front of my mind and annoying me. I feel angry that Tanya could say something like that to me, basically saying she doesn’t believe I’m gay and saying my partner and I won’t last. Everyone else in my family is happy for my partner and I and has made her feel welcome, how dare Tanya say something like that, and within earshot of my partner too.I don’t know how to deal with this situation but I do know it’s niggling me big time. I know Tanya had been drinking but then they say alcohol makes you honest – it doesn’t make you make up complete lies which you don’t feel somewhere inside you. What should I do? I have no idea how to cope with this but it’s really upset my partner and I. I don’t want to cause drama but I feel like Tanya has to know that my sexuality is not up for debate. I’m a gay woman in a long term and serious relationship – she either needs to accept that or not, but not call it in to question with me. We’re also a very close knit family and I know one of the other aunties heard her say it, and wasn’t happy about it either.Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): If you want to be the part of the world, people will talk.
If Tanya said something, its her opinion. No one but you know the thing which makes your heart pound and the thing you love.
If your in love, nothing should come between you both.
You should take your girlfriend with you and tell Tanya that if one doesn't look like a lesbian, bi, gay doesn't mean that they are not lesbian, bi, gay and that you love your partner very much.
She should know that love is love and it doesn't matter who you fall in love with because one doesn't fall in love on purpose.
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 Your aunt's opinion is just that, her opinion. It has no bearing on how things will turn out for you. It sounds to me like she was just saying what she thinks, and not actually trying to hurt you. So who cares what she thinks? Will you magically turn straight if she doesn't believe you?
She didn't try to get you to end the relationship, she didn't intentionally insult you or your girlfriend, and she seemed to actually care that you were happy. It sounds like she accepts you as she thinks you are; if what she thinks you are is a bit different than what you actually are, it still doesn't affect you in any practical sense. No one can completely understand your sexuality except you - the best anyone else can do is make an educated guess, and if they're wrong, they're wrong. I'd say your best bet is to let it go, continue to get along with your aunt, and enjoy your relationship.
Never let the legitimacy of your relationship be determined by what any other person believes. This is doubly true when the other person doesn't actually seem to be speaking from malice.
As a side note, alcohol doesn't make you more honest, it makes you more impulsive. Don't put too much stock in it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): I can understand how hurtful this must have been. Families are rubbish sometimes! Your aunt's attitude is both patronizing and rude, and I suspect you are right that, had you been in a heterosexual relationship, such questions would never have been raised. The fact that she voiced such opinions in front of your partner was insensitive to say the least.
However, in all honesty - the best thing you can do is to ignore the slight and get on with your life. The best response to people who doubt your relationship is to brush their views aside, and go on to have a happy and successful partnership. Realize that, given your commitment together, your aunt's views merit laughter as ridiculous and conservative, not tears as a serious indictment of the state of your heart. Don't worry about 'setting the record straight' or 'having your say' - such things give only momentary gratification and cause far more problems in the long run. Rather grow together, confident and secure in each other's love. Get engaged, be happy, and don't invite 'Tanya' to your engagement party! good luck!
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (25 July 2011):
I honestly don't see the problem. Tanya stated her opinion. You don't agree with it. Well, that's that, isn't it? Don't make a big fuss out of it. Everyone else wants you to be happy and has accepted your sexual orientation, why get worked up because of an opinion by one person? I'd shrug it off. Don't let one raindrop spoil a day full of sunshine.
If someone would question my sexual orientation I would simply shrug and tell them to believe whatever they want to. The whole thing would be forgotten 10 seconds later. That is, unless they struck a chord. So did Tanya strike a chord with you? Or are you simply upset that after all this stress and hard work surrounding you coming out that there are still people giving you a hard time?
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