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female
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*jd
writes: I dated the love of my life for 2 years. In the beginning of our relationship, he asked me detailed questions about my sexual past. Me, being naive, answered them not wanting to hide anything or seem like I was lying. He never seemed to have a problem with them, we had an awesome relationship, no fighting or anything, just always really happy to be with each other. Our relationship ended up going long distance. Not too long after it went long distance, he started holding my sexual past against me. When he would drink, he would call me bad names. After 2 years, he would not let it go. He allowed the answers to those questions to haunt him. He let it bother him to the point where he broke up with me. He admitted that he still loves me and wants to be with me, he just doesn't know how to let go of those things. We have been trying to work things out, but every time we come close he gets angry about something to do with my sexual history again. Has anyone had this problem and how did you get your lover to get past other sexual partners that happened way before them?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): Holy Cow Yos!
Will try to make this short - my bf of 7 years has huge problems obessessing about my past. First, we met when he was married and had and affair for the first 5.5 years - then he divorced. During the first 3-4 years (while he was still married & we were long distance), I saw other people as he often encouraged me to; however, I didn't tell him as I didn't want to hurt him & really loved him but knew I couldn't be with him. He got divorced and we're still together.
He found out about a past relationship that I'd kept hidden for all those years. He knows he was married, but is very hurt that I lied about it when he asked me...and KEPT on asking me and I kept lying. Part was because I REALLY cannot remember a lot - details are very scarce for me but for the most part, I was scared to death of losing him once he found out the 'real' me. I suffered sexual abuse as a child and it was easy for me to repress memories of sexual abuse as a child as well as past relationships as an adult. Turns out, I was 'hidden' as a child, in the closet, etc., and 'couldn't tell' -- and had lived my life hiding...but NO MORE! I've learned SO much about myself and will never go back to that kind of life.
He ended up asking me to take a polygraph, which forced me to tell everything - yet I still had/have problems remembering all of the details he HAS to have. I passed the test in that I told him all I'd remembered. He was thrilled but still has obsessive thoughts as to the details of my past as well as me lying. (For the most part, I really think it's the details although he says that's only a small part.)
I sought counseling - dealing with my past childhood abuse/issues. It was somewhat helpful as I learned why I had these past relationships where people didn't care about me - as well as with other married men - and the reasons I was keeping secrets. No, I'm not proud of my behavior. I believe people can change and part of changing is RECOGNIZING what needs to be changed. I am completely devoted to my boyfriend now.
He is still disturbed that I cannot remember everything. (It bothers the dickens out of me too; but, I don't feel I absolutely have to remember all the details as that's not who I am today - yeah, I had past relationships, but that's the past and not my now and future.) Anyway, he is encouraging me to see a hypnotist to remember everything - just curious as to what others think on this matter? I'd really appreciate all insight here. We really do love one another and want to spend the rest of our lives together. We've grown so much individually and as a couple as a result of everything we've learned. Also, he admits he's obsessive - always thinking about the gloom and is uncomfortable with "happy"....he was raised with an alcoholic father, so if it's 'happy' for too long, he's assured in his mind something bad is coming -- he realizes this isn't a healthy mindset and is trying to change too. Enough for now - please respond!!
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (15 September 2006):
 I mailed this to you but I thought I should share it here also...
I feel for you. I know firsthand how destructive it can be. Jealousy can make people say and do horrible things.
I have been in a similar situation. I still struggle, although after 9 months it is considerably better than it was, and now getting steadily better. I'll try and explain as best I can.
The first thing I found is that this happens to men and women differently. Whilst women do get obsessed with their male partners pasts, the nature of the emotions seem to come from a different place. This makes it very difficult for the two of you to communicate about it because it is really hard for each of you to understand what the other is feeling. He is literally feeling some emotions that women just don't feel.
Its root comes from very deep down. One of the strongest biological urges men have is to 'protect and guard their mate'. This is because a man (historically anyway) can't be sure of the paternity of his child. Spending your life bringing up the child of another man is the ultimate nightmare biological scenario for us. Women do not have this (since you will always know who the father at least could be). Hence the difficulty in relating to each other.
What seems to happen is a vicious combination of jealousy and obsession. One obsesses about images and thoughts (exactly which ones don't seem to matter), and these trigger jealousy. However, unlike 'normal' jealousy, which subsides when the 'threat' subsides, since these images keep obsessively returning, the jealousy doesn't go away. The images keep coming back, and the jealousy keeps getting triggered.
He's not comparing himself to you at all. He may know quite rationally that you are faithful to him (my girlfriend I trust completely), but that doesn't stop the mental images triggering the jealousy. It really has nothing to do with him, since the images and reaction are not about him, so his sexual past is irrelevant. And it has nothing to do with trust, since the images are 100% real and based on past 'facts'.
In terms of the steps I have been through to (now mostly) beat it, these are the main ones...
- First the realisation that this was not about her. I found that other men have experienced this with girlfriends that have had only a single sexual partner. One recently experienced it when his virgin girlfriend told him she had only oral sex. Hence its not to do with some objective measure, some mystical number of sexual partners above which it gets triggered. You can't say ... '10' partners is ok, and '20' is not, for example. What causes the reaction is in him. It is his problem. Other men in his situation might be fine, and others may get triggered by less. It's not you. This is not an easy realisation to accept, since it forces us to see ourselves as having the problem, being the source of the problem.
- Then the realisation that it was to do with my own sexual insecurity. Not in a simple way (ie 'oh dear, i'm sexually insecure), but more related to what i told you above. Which is a male universal... the animal-level fear that we may end up bringing up a child that is not our own. This specific thought itself may mean nothing to him, but it sets the other fears and feelings in motion.
- This lead to me not looking outwards for a solution. Not looking at what my girlfriend said or did, but at what I have said and done and felt. Since it is nothing to do with her, obsessing about the details of her life is looking in the wrong place. I had the feeling for a long time that by thinking about her and her past, I might be able to find a path out of our horrible situation. That was the wrong place to be looking.
- After this I started seeing a therapist. The focus has been obsession... which is a very common problem, and familiar territory for a therapist to treat. It is slow going, which is the nature of obsession, but it can be slowly un-picked. This is done by analysing each obsessive thought and belief and finding a way to show it for what it is... an emotional reaction leading to irrational and damaging behaviour. It's an emotional reaction in the same way we smile when someone smiles at us, or we cringe when we hear a baby crying. Ie, the reaction is normal, and the emotion is in a way normal. Stripping the thought down and showing it naked reduces its power over you. The answer is to not deny the emotion or question the reaction, but rather to find a way to stop obsessing over the mental images.
- Where I am now is able to do two things...
1. Most of the time I am able to gently distract myself when I feel the obsession returning. Knowing its source helps, but it also takes an inner strength. You have to see them coming and say 'no, these will not help me, and they are not anything that has any value thinking about. They hold no answers'. This is similar to meditation or tai chi and suchlike (both of which I'm lucky to have done in my life).
2. Sometimes I let myself go, and let the full force of the images hit me. But at the same time I acknowledge that there is nothing 'wrong' with what I am feeling, that it is a natural response to what my mind is showing me. In fact it is a sign of love... for what man that loves his woman would not react badly to images and thoughts of her intimate with another man? When you accept the emotions rather than deny them, they hit you but they pass much faster and without so much inner torment. Instead of saying 'no! I must not think this!', I say "It is ok to feel this, it is a sign of my love for her". Then I remind myself with a short mantra (which is one technique for beating obsession). I remind myself of our love for each other and that she will always be faithful to me. This I know to be true, because in my clear moments I know it is. And also the words can be something to cling to in the emotional storm.
The results are not instant. Instead the process of letting go of an obsession is like the tide going out. Gradual and with each moment not noticeably different from the time before. This is normal for obsessive behaviour. Improvement is gradual. This means coping with the frustration of there not being a quick fix, no 'magic thought' that will unlock you from your self-invented prison.
There was another thing that I found helpful to understand. That was the essential contradiction buried within my thoughts. This was that whilst I wanted to see my girlfriend as good and pure, I needed to believe her past was not. You can't do that. No person is 100% pure, and likewise, we are not are pasts. To connect these two is to judge a person solely by their acts, and never to allow people to change, or to be the victim of circumstance. In morality, it is the intention that counts, not the act. A well meaning person that accidentally does bad is more virtuous than a malicious person whose actions have unintended good results. Had Hitler discovered a cure for cancer through his experiments in concentration camps, he would be no better person. And if Mother Teresa has accidentally set fire to a hospital and killed people, she would be no worse person. I realised that my girlfriend had lived her life with good intentions in her heart, that the events with other men in her past were not her fault, but rather a combination of bad luck and the baggage of her difficult upbringing... an upbringing that she has had to learn to overcome.
In reference to the person below, I'll say that it is not ok for a man to be promiscuous and a woman not. It's not really about that at all (as much as it seems that it is). And it's not an issue about 'growing up' either. This can effect people of all ages and mindsets. I do agree that forgiveness and acceptance are essential. But lastly, although it is very difficult to beat, it can be done. As the saying goes... "Jealousy is the shadow of love", understanding that it is partly love creating these terrible emotions also reminds us that it is worth trying to overcome, since love is a rare thing and always worth fighting for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2006): I had this exact problem. My ex couldn't stand the fact that I had had a one night stand (even though he had threesomes and way worse things). At first he said it didn't bother him, but then he started calling me a slut and saying things how he couldn't ever marry me because all he would think about while I was walking down the aisle would be me having a one night stand. I ended up breaking up with him for other reasons, but that would have been a good reason to get rid of him. My advice to you is that you should break up with him, because no relationship exists or can work without forgiveness and acceptance (though you never did anything wrong). You're always going to have to worry if he will leave you for your sexual past and that is no way to live. I say be done with him and only be with guys who love you for who you are today and from here on out. I hate how we live in a man's world where it's okay for guys to be sexually promiscuous, but it's slutty for girls to do that. Good luck to you, and remember that you deserve better and he has a lot of growing up to do.
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