A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I went away for the weekend with a group of friends to Ireland. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, who I love very much. Our sex life hasn't been very good for the last 1.5 years, he doesn't initiate things very often and only makes an effort when i speak to him about it. He is wonderful to me in every other way. I have never been unfaithful to him. While away I went out one night and was quite drunk,not majorly,but happy drunk.We were in a bar with a guy playing the guitar,2 of us of the group asked for a few requests etc,talked to him and went outside a few times for a cigerette with him. Basically by the end of the night I had kissed him and went back to his place.I didnt even think about it twice,its so out of character for me. We didnt have sex,but did quite a lot of other stuff.We talked lots and had loads in common,listened to lots of music we both liked etc.In the morning, we cuddled and I had to get back. I am home now and know I love my boyfriend, but can't stop thinking about this other man. He was so passionate with me and so complimentary to me and made me feel like I havent felt for years. He has given me his contact details and asked for mine, but I said I would contact him. I don't know what to do. I know I shouldnt have let this happen, but like I say I can't understand myself doing this. Should I make a real effort with my boyfriend as I do love him and try and make our sex life better, or do I keep in contact with the other man, even though he lives in another country and no chance of us having a relationship? Really appreciate any advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): Just reading your posting, I really feel you simply found a way to validate your sexuality and attractability by committing an infidelity with this other man. This was a dishonest thing, you did. I think you know this. Problem is, the physical attraction to this other man has caused you to engage your heart, rather quickly. I can assure you, there's a strong possibility this other man is not 'on the same page' as you. Your feelings for him, is what's tempting you to contemplate ongoing contact with him. If you cannot resist this man, then you need to break up with the bf. You end one relationship before undertaking another, here. You don't hide yourself in the convenience of a unhappy relationship while covertly trying to make a go of it with another man, hun. So I will say, breaking up a long term relationship may not be a pleasant thing to do, but at least it is an honest thing to do, isn't it. But I will also say, that your relationship with your bf could be salvageable. Why? Because there appears to be a basis of love. You can help it along by getting some couple counseling and learn to reconnect..sexually and intimately. It's possible, and it's been done for many couples. I have to quote something I heard a long time ago..."the key to a good relationships is connection". Not necesssarily, hot, fantastic sex all the time,(although, that would be fun! lol) because it just doesn't happen that way for many couples. Most importantly, there has to be a spiritual connection, comprised of mutual respect and unwavering committment. That's what gets one through the challenges of long term relationships that become complacent. and boring. When you feel such a strong, unwavering connection/committment to another, you will make it through those challenges. But there's one catch..the other person has to feel these same feelings for you. So which man do you feel loves you? You have to decide now, which one fills those shoes. And you need to make a decision and stick to it. 3 options here ....the bf , this other guy or no one. You could work at your relationship with your bf, if you feel it's fixable and he's worth it. And let the other guy go. You could take the other guy, but then you let your bf go. But remember, this other man could've been simply someone you got to experience momentary pleasure with--.someone who made your womanly ego feel all good and nice. If I were you, I'd go for option 3. You need to find yourself first and understand that no matter what, you can develop your own life, all on your own, without being needed, which was causing you to be 'needy' for that reassurance that you needed someone to show you that you are lovable and attractive. You are! Believe in that. But going it on your own, teaches you strength, it empowers your life, and you build your own self-love. It teaches you that you don't need someone to do this for you... you can get there all on your own. Good luck, dear
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): If you can cheat on him it would suggest you aren't completely content, with the lack of passion in your relationship. I can only see three options regarding your boyfriend, either tell him and let him decide the fate of your relationship, don't tell him and act as if everything is fine (but you will be lying and may be guilty), or be single, I would advise either the first or last as the middle would be very unhappy. I think passion often fades in relationships, but I think usually there are those intense moments where it is so special and better than anything could be when single, and if you never have those maybe you just aren't satisfied sexually and might be better suited to another person, but you say you love him and I would assume it would be hard to consider moving on and finding another person, but clearly you're not content and sohuld expect no more of him than who he is and what he can offer. It really is your own choice but I think if you can't be honest with him about it you shouldn't be with him. Regarding the guitarist, if he knows you have a boyfriend then a relationship between you probably won't work especially so far apart, he will probably start having doubts as to your loyalty, if you decide to be single you could probably still be friends and it may turn into more.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (23 June 2008):
 Well of course you should make an effort with your boyfriend if you love him.
Not all men want to initiate sex all the time - and some of them really need a good kick to get them moving. But with most of them it's well worth it once you get them going!
Put the spark back. You remember that spark that's always there in a new relationship? It's still there, somewhere, and needs fanning into a real fire again. Try looking a little outside the conventional lines, maybe. See if you can get him to browse through a lingerie web site with you and tell you what he likes (you may not even have to buy it! Getting him thinking about it is often more than enough.) Or be a little more adventurous and try one of the sites that also deals with toys etc (like Anne Summers) - how far you go in what you look at is up to you. I'm not suggesting you get him to look at porn with you, but there's a lot of erotica that can give you the most wonderful ideas that you can try together. Ask him what he would like - most men have something hidden somewhere in the back of their minds that they've always wanted to try but are too embarrassed to ask their partners. AND it's for you too: what would YOU like to do with him/to him/have him do to you? Find a few things you might both want to "play", and try them. Even if you find they don't work for you, as long as you approach them with a sense of humour it's going to be wonderful fun finding out.
Too much? I doubt it. You're bored, and I think from what you're saying that is all that's wrong with your relationship. It's up to you to liven it up and to find that spark again.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (23 June 2008):
 Hi,
Lack of intimacy can do strange things to your head. While you think that your partner is perfect in every way, his lack of affection is a major issue and in a way this drove you to seeking companionship outside the relationship.
It could be that you two are simply growing apart and are more friends than lovers. But you need to talk to your partner about this, tell him that you are worried that the lack of intimacy in your relationship is of great concern to you and you are worried about your future. Try counselling even.
If you truly love him, he deserves another chance.
For now, forget about guitar man, he is an aberration in your life, a man who probably has a girl in evey port so to speak. Staying in contact with him will not do your relationship any good at all, in fact it will simply drive a wedge between you and your partner.
It may be a case that you have simply outgrown each other, in which case it is time for you to lead seperate lives. But it may be something else, perhaps his job is stressful, or he has other things weighing on his mind. These can all cause a person to withdraw into themselves, and that's when we need the support of our partner.
But you won't really know until you delve deeper into why he doesnt show you affection anymore.
Good luck anyway, hope it works out for you.
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