A
female
age
41-50,
*ate234
writes:I'm Irish and in a long distant relationship with a russian man . I'm 29 and he is 37 . I met him in Russia it was love at first sight and we are together 2 years . I go to Russia quite regualrly and he comes to ireland howver he thinks it is time we decided whether to move in or not. He wants me to move to Russia but i feel its such a big change if i do so .Everytime i come to Russia he asks me if i have thought about it and i keep saying no . He can't move over his business and he can't just set up in Ireland because his business is doing so well .His mother told me that he often speaks good things about me. She's also very nice to me and we often cook together. Perhaps it's a good sign. . Lately, I feel that he is upset with me, like he's thinking i don't care about our relationship, but he does not tell me. He was very transparent with me when we were friends. He did tell me in the past that Russian Men want to be "free" and that it's common for majority to have lovers, although, he did not say that he is part of that majority. This situation is driving me crazy. I tried my best not to appear jealous but inside I am bursting with anger. Since I love him, I do my best to be patient and persevering. I am afraid if i don't go to Russia my relationship with this man is over and we have done so much already together and i love him so much. He keeps giving out that we aren't able to bond perfectly because of our distance and that he would like to settle down and have children and get married but that i am stopping all of it because i won't move .He has only broght up for me to go to russia when he got really jealous over a photo i took with friends who were guys on facebook. he began to ask hundreads of questions he even said i hope they aren't my lovers which they aren't !! I'm willing to deal with his possessiveness, etc. He wants to know everything, who I go out with, what I do. He raises his eyebrows and get bossy when I say I'm with someone from the opposite sex. He's in general a very sweet guy, not until the moment I start asking who he was with when he comes home a little late when im in Russia. Am I being paranoid? Is this a typical characteristic of Russian Men? Please give me an advice on how to deal with this. And what i should do?This could be a cultural issue but i'm not sure.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): I m Russian, and married to a sweetest Russian man ever for many years. He is not possessive and I have a complete freedom to do what I want.
He expects me to be a good wife, and so do I expect him to be a good husband.
We share our work load in working, raising children and household chores.
Yes, it's true there are lots of Russian brides websites because women there want some financial stabilities with someone that they can have a fa mily with, but unfortunately not all russian men are rich and have successful businesses. Economy in Russia is poor, there is no work, and government is corrupted. It's a difficult country to live in.
This is something to think about. Your man displays some of the controlling traits, but not because he is Russian, but because he is a controlling and unreasonably jealous man.
Some Men in all countries have lovers, but some don't. Of course the more money they have the easier for them to buy any woman, but so it's everywhere.
I dont think you need to stereotype to make your decision but rather focus on this particular man. Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): I have quite good knowledge of this. My husband's best friend is Russian and he is married to two women and has families with each of them and also two lovers that he maintains. One wife knows about the other family but none of them know about the girlfriends/ lovers. I think it is absoloutely disgusting and will never go out with them although my husband regularly goes out with his friend and his girlfriend. His friend is always suggesting that my husband gets a girlfriend too so they can have fun as a foursome! The girlfriends look like prostitutes to me and I don't like it at all. I was told by the Russian that all rich and successful Russian men behave in this manner and that it is accepted in Russia. Mmm... not so sure on that one.I certainly would not move to Russia as I think this might start going on behind your back after a while and I think that from reading your post that you would not be able to cope with it. Also it does not appear that in these relationships the wife comes first or has the upper hand so to speak it appears to be a case of sharing him and all women have equal standing. I would be really careful and encourage him to consider setting up an irish arm of his company if he wants you to be together long term. I am sorry and I hope I haven't upset you. I am just telling you what i know and hear about every day.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 April 2012):
 I think in some ways he is right. After 2 years together and back and forth you ought to know if you feel HE is worth leaving everything behind or not.
I think the reason you are having doubts is because you DO NOT want to give up everything for a man.
He IS asking a lot. But it is time for you to decide.
Personally, I'm not sure it will work. It is a HUGE cultural leap he is asking you to take.
Do you WANT to live in Russia?
Do you want to not see your family & friend more then a few times a year (if that)?
Do you WANT to give up YOU and the "freedom" you have right now in Ireland, seeing the friends you want, doing as you please?
You really need to think long and hard on this.
I gave up everything I knew to be with my husband, and no amount of love for him doesn't make me have little moments of regret.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): This is actually quite typical of LDR's OP and age gap relationships. There is no real security in them at all. As far as Russian men go OP you lived there, you know what they expect of their women, look pretty and be a "good" wife. There is still a property aspect to wives in Russia. Something the women there are usually fine with seeing as there are 10 million more of them there than men and the competition for men is immense, I mean why do you think there are so many Russian Bride websites, Russian women are still in the mindset of settling, becoming wives, being taken care of and staying at home with the kids, living in luxury etc. OP it seems to me your boyfriend is wanting to settle, he's wanting you to settle into being his partner over in Russia. I mean he is getting on in years like, he doesn't have the luxury of pissing about, he wants to take the next step and wants you to take that step with him and no doubt his mother is also in his ear telling him it's time he got himself a good wife and family too.
As far as possessiveness goes yeah that's an Eastern European trait, not to say all guys are like that there. But their societies are very much still geared that way, well according my Polish, Latvian and Russian girl friends it is anyway. Women are still possessions there, although that is slowly changing. I'm sure you're well aware at how forthright and assertive Russian women are so they're not exactly victims to this system.
Kate you're the one how has to decide what happens here but I'm afraid everything is against this at the moment. He wants you to go over, you're not ready to go over and even then you're probably not sure you could fit into the mother/wife role he expects. The fact that even though when you're married he may well decide to enjoy the fruits of some of the 10 million extra women available to him is not exactly appealing especially as he hinted he will.
This relationship is not going to survive unless you decide to go over and live with him, be his wife,mother to his kids and accept the life of a Russian wife or he decides he can wait another few years. Something has to give here OP, you have to come some kind of compromise and I have a feeling he's not going to be the one to make it.
Remember OP, just because he's Russian doesn't mean he'll be one of the typical ones and seeing as you get on well then perhaps things may be different in a marriage with him. If this is a guy you can see yourself settling with, then give him a time frame for when that can happen. You may not be ready now but perhaps you may be willing to take the plunge. At least let him know that you do see a future with him but you're just not ready yet.
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