A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I came to London to study a short course. I found a roommate (flatmate as they call them here) for a month out of the three months I'll be here and found him extremely attractive. We chatted a lot before I moved in and it became something a bit romantic. He really lead me on and said sweet things to me, although deep down I knew he just wanted to sleep with me. The day before my arrival he said he would rather just be friends and then see where that would lead us but we could still sleep together(to be honest I was completely fine with this as I got out of a long distance relationship and I could not deal with that again plus, he is 27 and I am only 19 so we are in completely different stages in our lives).We had tons of fun at first, the sex was great but it really became more of a friendship and I started considering him one of my best friends. However, he constantly bragged about all the girls who wanted him, he even showed me a picture a girl sent him of her ass and he would say stuff like "she really wants to fuck me" etc (this is only an example of the many times he did this). I tried not to let it bother me but deep down it did (I guess I don't have that level of maturity). He would do this and then go on to doing something really cute that would make me think he actually liked me.. for instance, yesterday, I left my empty perfume bottle on the table and later he sent me a text while I was at school that said he had bought me a new perfume.Last weekend, he went to visit a girl in Poland who he met last year, he slept with her. However, I didn't let it bother me too much as we never agreed we were exclusive. However, today, he told me he didn't want to sleep with me anymore because he felt guilty with the other girl. He said he doesn't like her that much but that he feels bad about lying to her. This made me feel like absolute shit considering the fact that he slept with this girl but didn't feel bad about me. We talked about it and I told him how that made me feel a bit sad and that I didn't understand why he liked her more than he liked me. He said he liked me just as much and that he liked the fact that he could be himself around me and have tons of fun whereas with her he has to pretend and isn't able to talk about anything and everything with her or dance around the apartment to rap music (we do that a lot, we really do have tons of fun together), but that she seemed to be in love with him and was super sweet to him when he was there and did things like breakfast in bed every morning, etc. It makes me feel like crap because I could've shown him my romantic side if he had given me a chance.He also then said something that angered me so much "Maybe neither of you is right for me as you slept with me so fast and this other girl did it too". This is by far the most offensive thing someone has said to me (and just for the record, I've only slept with two other guys before and I had strong feelings for them and actually had relationships with this guys, I had never had such a casual relationship and I wanted to give it a go)Anyway, my issue here is mostly how much it crushed my self-esteem. I don't think he is a bad guy as he actually feels guilty about lying to this girl and is willing to give up easy sex for her but I just hate the fact that he did not do this for me. It just seems like I'm always a second choice and someone willing to let go of easily and I am tired of this.Any advice on what I should do? It's hard to let my feelings go as I live with this guy, although I will move out in about ten days as we only agreed I would take his roommate's room while he is on holidays for this month. (Oh and yes, I know a lot of people will say that it was a bad idea since the beginning since he was my roommate, I know, I know.. I have learned my lesson for sure)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 February 2014):
 First of stop lying to yourself.
YOU DO mind that all he wanted was to sleep with you. You thought that the sex would change his mind. IT RARELY DOES. If a guy can get a "FBW" or "NSA" arrangement they will take it but if the girl wants more, it's EASY to find another girl who doesn't want more.
YOU DO mind that he brags about all the girls chasing him (and can I just say, for a 27 year old dude he sounds pathetic & immature)
He likes your vagina, not you so much. You are just conveniently attached to said available vagina.
Move out, and CUT the contact with him 100%. And next time, IF you want more then just casual sex, then DO NOT agree to things you don't really want.
You can be mad at him all you want, but the thing is... you AGREED to his little deals. If you deep down DON'T agree then don't tell a guy you do, just to please him.
And yes, sleeping with a room mate is rarely a good idea either.
Not all good looking guy are GOOD guys.
And last but not least, you write after a short time you considered him one of your BEST friends? Really?
Find a new place for your last 2 months (the sooner the better) and figure out WHAT you want and don't want in a guy.
LEARN from this. Guys (not all but many) have this ODD double standard, that if a girl jumps into bed FAST she isn't a keeper, but she can be used for a good roll in the hay, FWB, NSA. Whether you had "strong" feelings for him or not doesn't matter, you REALLY don't know this guy that well.
And yes, it's RIDICULOUS that he JUDGES you for sleeping with him so fast, because HE SLEPT with you JUST as fast. Gender shouldn't MATTER, but for men (not all) it does.
A
female
reader, Adeboyefa  +, writes (7 February 2014):
 You are the luckier lady. He will soon dump the other girl. Remember that he blamed BOTH of you for sleeping with him so easily.
You are luckier because you knew his real nature earlier than the other lady. She is just starting her tenure and it will soon end like yours.
Please move out and stop wasting your time on him,and look before you leap next time.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (7 February 2014):
 I don't think you have any deep feelings for him, I think your ego is just bruised. No one likes to be left feeling second best. Remember you went into a casual relationship, which you both agreed. You need to understand that this is the consequences when one partner finds attraction else it automatically end as there is no emotion invested - at least should not be. I promise give it time and also once you move out you will feel better.
What this guy did was just move onto his next conquest and he will miss you, sometimes people have to lose something before they realise what they lost. Put this down to an experiment and move on. You are still the same loving attractive person.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 February 2014):
Remember that you're not a perfect fit for everyone... It has nothing to do with your looks or personality being sub par. Some people just want particular traits in their mates.
I would never date a smoker. Doesn't mean she's ugly/fat/dumb/boring. Maybe he likes the more girly thing. Some guys prefer a tomboy.
By the way "I could've shown him my romantic side if he had given me a chance" is kind of a silly thing to say... Did he really "not give you the chance"? You could have been romantic, but that's just not you. That's fine, but it's another example of compatibility being important.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): You said you're there for a short course; hopefully you've learned something in life(as well as academically), and you'll be moving out soon.
He was manipulating you by first making you jealous, then doing something sweet. He was playful and knows how to get on your good side. That's how he kept you willing and submissive to sex. You knew what he was up to, and went along with it; because you thought it might make him your boyfriend. Don't take this as putting you down. As it started out, you really did hit it off.
You are a very young girl. He is much older and very adept at seducing and manipulating women. He is a player.
Now don't totally play the victim here. You are competing with the other girls for his affections; and you are also enjoying the sex with an older and attractive guy. It's one thing to get played, it's another thing when it happens over and over. This is against everything you were taught, and you know it. You are also a very smart young woman.
Your plan backfired. He is better at getting over on women than the other way around. He has had a lot of practice.
You were offering him sex; because you felt that was a way of keeping him, and it was your way of carrying on an unofficial relationship. By whatever means necessary.
You knew well ahead of time that he was nothing but a player; and you really shouldn't have moved in with a man his age in the first place.
Your self-esteem is not crushed. Your ego is hurt and you are jealous. You're not a little girl. You are as attractive and desirable as you ever were. Don't play too hard for sympathy young lady!
You are a much better person than he is. You are the same girl you were when you moved into that flat. The difference is, you are now a wiser young lady who knows she shouldn't have messed around with her older gentleman roommate. You've now learned that sex is not a bargaining chip, man-bait, or the only asset you have to offer a man. You've also learned that sweet-talk is bullshit.
You really should pack your things and move. Staying around waiting for him to return and restart his little game, is enabling him to play you. You only decided to see the player he is, when he chose someone over you. He isn't a very nice guy at all; because he took advantage of your young age. He is being calloused about your feelings and insulting you. In my book, the guy is a total louse and an assh*le.
Don't let a guy's good-looks and charms overrule your common-sense and self-respect. You see now what that gets you. Don't use your body as a means to keep a man. Use your intelligence, lady-power, and expect something real in exchange for offering your feelings. Don't share a man, it will put you at risk for STD's. It will scar your feelings and make you bitter, and you'll develop trust-issues.
Hopefully your age is to your advantage. It will allow you to put this far behind you. There are many years ahead to learn and grow. Oh, you'll hit a few bumps and make more mistakes. You'll be more cautious, and less eager to give yourself to guys until you know you're getting something meaningful in return.
Don't allow any man...repeat...any man to determine your self-worth. You need no validation from some guy. Your self-esteem grows from within. It isn't given to you.
All other people do is boost your ego. Self-confidence is something you build on your own. You give people too much power when you allow them to make you feel less of a person. You tried to play in the big leagues before you were ready. So you wouldn't know that yet. Now you do!
No one can take anything away that you won't give them. Stop placing all the power in his hands. He gets to make all the choices. He gets to decide who the better woman is?
Nope, the better lady was smart enough to get away!
That's you!
You have the choice to leave this mess behind and forget he ever existed. You have many wonderful years ahead of you. This experience has taught you early in your womanhood how some men are. Not all. Now you can avoid situations like this in the future.
He picked her, it doesn't mean she's better than you. It means she gets your sloppy seconds, and she hasn't learned what a jerk he really is yet. You get the last laugh!
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