A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have an interesting situation in my life, and not sure how to help my boyfriend understand it. I have a roommate - who also happens to be my ex hubby. I AM divorced from him. We have been the best of friends since we were 16 (both in our mid to late 30's now). We have one child together. He has his beddroom, I have mine. He's a truck driver and only home maybe 8 days a month. When he is home, he's never here anyway as he goes to his girlfriend's house, or he goes out for the evening with friends. I only see him in total may 12 hours for the 4 days he's home, and our son is also there as well. So, no hanky panky, and no romantic interest from either side, or romantic emotional involvement. Our living conditions are a matter of convenience that works out for everyone - including our son. Is this a permanent situation - hell no. We have agreed to room together for 1 year, and then review our own separate finances and relationships and proceed from there. I have explained numerous times to my boyfriend that he has no worries, but he always asks if my ex has tried anything.. blah blah blah. I reassure him allllll the time. There is the occasional time that our son will ask if both mommy and daddy can take him to the park. So, to make sure my boyfriend doesn't feel left out, I ask him to please come. He refuses. He tells me last night that he doesn't know how much longer he can continue on like this. I've asked a few of my friends who know the situation well, and have been told that where he is not my hubby, and the relationship is just starting that I am not obligated to choose between being able to afford to put a roof over my head, and him. That if he trusted me, he would understand. That sometimes situations, and circumstances cannot be helped. Are they right? I feel I'm doing everything in my power to make this as "proper" as possible and leave no doubts with him. I know if it were me, I would question from time to time yes, but until I have a reason to believe that the situation is anything less than what I'm being told... I would trust the person I'm with, and understand the circumstances, and situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2009): lol.. you have every reason to be proud of yourself. My parents divorced 25years ago, and for my sake remained good friends. So instead of two fighting married people, I ended up with two homes, and parents that are supportive and friendly. Christmas, birthdays, my parents are there together. Yes some people find it hard, but what else can you do. You can't tear down this friendly divorce that you have set up, because that's not how you do things.
This relationship I'm afraid may not be for you. If him and his ex partner still fight, and have do not protect their children, it might continue if this guy moves in with you and your children. Divorce was supposed to end fights, not bring in new ones, that are not really to do with you. Trust is a big part of a relationship, either he trust you or he doesn't.
All I can suggest, is that you see if you, your ex husband, his girlfriend and your guy could spend time together. Sort of an extended kind of family. These are the people in your children's life and it's important that you all can be civil together. The other suggestion is, your boyfriend is your lover, and the rest is your family. But then he gets left out in the cold, and he's not part of your family.
Hope this makes sense to you, but this really seems a difference about family relations and how you get on together. Your ex husband doesn't even sleep at home much, so what is the problem.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2009): of course we can understand where your boyfrined is coming from, but i think your friends are right.also...if he there are trust issues already, that tells you there will be probles ahead.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anonymous, I see it that way as well. The way I look at it, my b/f should be thankful that I have such a great relationship with my ex-hubby (especially with children involved). He unfortunately does not, and I think that's where some of the jealousy is coming in. He does not have that friendship with his ex and all they do is fight and argue over their daughter - and in front of their daughter no less! I can take pride in saying that my ex and I do not fighter over our son at all! we have minor disagreements, but never in front of him. I read an article not that long ago stating that children that come from split homes where the parents DO NOT get along have a bigger chance of developing a low self-esteem, a bigger channce of falling in with the wrong crowd leading to criminal activities, etc. As opposed to a child that comes from a split home where mom and dad are still great friends - these children develop better, have a better sence of self and self-esteem, therefore leading to making better life choices. I'm proud of the fact that my ex and I are able to provide a stable, secure, loving home for our son. I was once told by a judge that I should be very proud of the way my ex and I get a long. That not all families are able to do that. I know this, and other than my children, to this day - it's one of my greatest accomplishments. :o)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): It's the 21st century babes, money is tight for everyone. Many people your age are forced to move home when the marriage collapses, or many like you room with their ex partner if they are lucky. I had my ex living here for a couple of months and his girlfriend knew all about it and she was fine. These things happen at the moment, it takes two incomes to really keep house properly and bring up children. Your ex husband and his girlfriend are fine, your boyfriend should be more realistic and put some trust in you. There is nothing you can do, he either starts to trust you and put away this childish jealousy or he will have to move on. This type of thing happens all the time, his jealous attitude makes me wonder if he's the right kind of guy for a divorced woman and her child. He may still feel jealous even when your ex moves out. Not all guys are like this, only some very insecure ones.
You've done your best, don't explain or justify yourself anymore, just keep repeating that your ex helps pay the bills. If he wants to contribute money to your household, then he can have permission to ask his questions about how you live.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTELLULAH - Thank you!
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female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (16 February 2009):
 Oh well! in that case, I believe that you have done everything you can to stop your B/F feeling that way. So I guess its up to him to trust you.
I can see what your saying about the rent, perhaps your B/F has been in a position before and been let down. Although I can kind of see why he is upset, you seem to be doing everything in your power like your mates said. So I guess its down to him to either put up with, or finish with you. At least you will know if he is serious about you though eh!
Good luck babe XXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question TELLULAH - ok...thanks for writing. First - he's not my hubby - we ARE divorced. Second, he IS at his g/f's at night, and here during the day SOMETIMES. To make him stay elsewhere would defeat the purpose of him paying half the rent - hense being roommates. I guess maybe I'm just a more open person and believe in innocent until proven guilty.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Gina, He's been over numerous times when my ex was here. He says I change when my ex is around. I asked him how. He informs me that I won't let him touch me. I don't mind my b/f holding my hand, putting his arm around me, etc. Things we would normally do out in public when my ex is around, but I certainly don't want a make out session. I consider respect a big thing. No matter who my room mate maybe. I certainly wouldn't want to sit there and "watch" anyone making out. The long and short is...I feel sometimes like I'm being asked to to choose, and right now...I'm not in a position too.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (16 February 2009):
Mmmm, of course you would trust him. But then its not happening to you is it?
I mean that in a light hearted way, not nasty. But you can see your B/F point, it must be awfully hard to live with. When your husband is home could he not stay with his G/F, instead of you. Maybe you could arrange it so that he is there during the day with your son, but not at night when your B/F feels most vunerable.
Its up to you what you do, I can see both sides. And if your B/F wasnt insecure he probably would as well. I used to trust my B/F until one night when he had to go away with his daughter and ex wife to visit a university. I found out that they got drunk and had sex in a toilet (classy) so sorry but it does happen, even if you love a person dearly.
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