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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi I'm 35 and got divorced 6 years ago. I have been in three relationships since that and decided last year I couldn't cope with being involved with anyone else. I just always seem to choose the same type of guy and I don't trust my own judgement any more. Everything starts off fine, but after a while the relationships follow a recognised pattern. I make quite clear at the beginning that I do like time to myself as I have a very busy lifestyle and enjoy my independance and freedom to pursue my own interests. The next thing I know I'm answering 10 calls a day and they're fussing around me constantly, creating situations so that they can see me every waking minute. Other things like surruptitiously bumping into me when I say I have to go somewhere or secretly getting keys cut for my house etc. Whatever hobbies or interests they had before get thrown aside in favour of spending every last minute with me. I know this sounds like a silly complaint but I feel so oppressed and suffocated by it all. I try to seek out the alpha male who is his own man and they appear so at first but it never lasts. I'm not that special so I don't get why it keeps happening. Is it something I am doing? I do enjoy relationships but I can't seem to find a balanced one.
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female
reader, browneyedgirl  +, writes (12 March 2007):
I'm a 34 year old woman, divorced for 10 years and just broke up from a 7 year relationship with a man I never married.
I feel exactly the way you do towards men. I tend to be independent and need my space and am seeking that balanced man to be respectful of my needs and not to over step my boundaries.
I get so irritated by their insecurities or neediness, like wanting to spend every minute with me, keeping tabs on me, calling me repeatedly if I don't answer my phone right away, etc.
It wasn't until my break up recently that I discovered the problems we had weren't all his fault.
When I became alone and even tried dating, the same patterns and the way I felt continued.
I have received inner healing to deal with my issues through prayer and counseling. I have learned how to diffuse/neutralize triggers that so easily got tripped off by men and caused me to react. The answer was there was a root of bitterness and unforgiveness in me.
I didn't realize the impact of some events that took place when I was young and how it affected my behavior and patterns in relationships today.
I myself make it difficult for a man to love me because I test them or make them feel they can't measure up.
I keep them at a distance to protect myself from feeling or getting hurt.
It is so contradictory because I'm actually a romantic and long for true love. When I have it, I don't know how to receive it, and rather run from it than submit to it.
There are ways to change and break free from these patterns and actually have a healthy fulfilling relationship. Feel free to email me if you have questions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2006): Sounds like to me a power struggle for you. If you don't have control of every situation you have a crisis. Calm down and take a breather. If A MAN wants to be with you all time I can understand you wanting your space. At the same time it's not a bad thing. In your marriage was your husband dominering? Reason why I asked is because when someone has been controlled in every aspect of their life, when they finally break free psychologically they hold on to control they finally have and don't want to let go. It's possible this is why you feel the way you do when you date. Take time to reevaluate yourself to heal from your last longterm relationship. Don't fret guys are just at awe when they come across an independent, intelligent, and obviously sensuously confident woman or they wouldn't bother. It doesn't necessarily mean they are spineless whimps and have no life seperate from you. Enjoy your freedom but, at the same time let your brick wall break away a little. It's nothing wrong with making friends.
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