A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:In December 2007 my boyfriend of many years told me that he didn't love me the way I loved him. He said that he had always felt as though we were best friends but not lovers. He had gotten together with me hoping to build a relationship because I was the only girl that had ever been kind to him. We had a long talk and discussed our future and cried on eachother all night. We decided to stay together through Christmas. This was difficult because I was working 60 hours a week. He was working 40 hours a week and going to school. I quit this job and the distance between us began to close. At the beginning of February he told me that he had fallen in love with me and I believed him and still do. His entire demeanour changed. Our relationship improved but I was suspiscious about how he'd disappear to go drive to be alone for hours and that he had friends that he wouldn't let me meet that he'd stay over night with. In February 2008, I waited for my boyfriend to go to work so I could access his facebook account which he had left open. My suspiscions were confirmed, he was cheating on me. I became extremely upset and drove to his work, where I beat him with my purse. He managed to calm me down and told me that he had chosen me. He planned to break it off with the other woman as soon as possible. I later broke into his msn account and read the entire transcript of their relationship. He began to give her one word answers and ignore her a lot around when our relationship began improving. When she said nasty things about me, he'd defend me. He eventually told her that he had finally fallen in love with me and that he can't stand to see me sad. That was the end of it. The only time we heard from her after that was when she made angry phone calls about wanting her stuff back. Our relationship became what I always dreamed it would be. He began doing things I used to nag him about without being asked, makes me dinner every night, he always opens doors for me and carries me over puddles. He used to never want to kiss me and later told me it was because he hadn't felt right about kissing someone he thought of as a friend. Now he kisses me all the time. A year later he's still doing it. A month after their break up he proposed to me. We are to be married in September. Here is the problem. I still think about what happened every day. I used to cry in front of him but he would cry too and I'd feel terrible. So now I try to hide it. He holds me when he catches me cry and tries to make me laugh. After it first happened I would always check the mileage on his car, check his cell phone for calls and smell his clothes. I'm slowly rebuilding trust but I feel like I'm being foolish in doing so. It hurts so badly. I worry that if it happens again, I'll have children and no money. I'm actually crying right now. I love him so much and I can't imagine my life without him. My question is, was I a fool to forgive him? Is there a way I can start to trust him again? Would you have taken him back? Am I being silly for continuing to let this bother me? Can I stop worrying now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): It sounds like he has made a choice and has chosen to spend the rest of his life with you. I am not going to tell you that when you forgive that is what you must do...blah! It’s easy to forgive but it’s harder to forget. You have to decide whether you are going to give him that second chance, I believe everyone deserves a second chance. But saying that I do think you should make it very clear that if he does it again, then he does it knowing it will be over.I have been in your position and I am very glad I gave my husband a second chance. Through that experience I learnt a lot about him and myself, I use to cry and check his phone, try and trick him .Gah! I even went to the library every day off just to watch the entrance of his work building and then one day I stopped, I think I got to the point where I decided to stop listening to the fear dialogue in my head and believed that he would not do it again. You know the more you believe that fear dialogue the further it separates you from your husband. No one knows the future or if he will do it again, that’s why it’s better to live for now, learn from the past and look forward to the future.
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