A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years next month. My problem is right now that there is no spark left in our relationship and I'm not sure if we should be together anymore. Even though I want things to keep working between us I don't know how to move past all the issues we've been through the last couple years. He spent 3 1/2 years trying to change me into the type of girl he wanted. In the last 6 months he's finally stopped trying to change me but instead has become clingy to the point that I feel like I'm suffocating. He's started smoking again and when he drinks he goes overboard and gets stupid. He hates that I have guy friends that I talk about so much but he never gives me anything to talk about with him. He doesn't do sweet things anymore to show he loves me. All things considered and the fact that I'm only 21 I am feeling like I should be out there and figuring things out for myself. But if I break up with him I risk discovering that I was meant to be with him and have then lost him. Or I stay with him and never know anything else and risk that I might not be happy later on. It's just a big confusing mess and I am exhausted and terrified not having an answer. I love him so much and the thought of him with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. Bu at the same time I don't know if this relationship is worth working on anymore. Does anyone know how I can bring back the spark in our relationship? Or anything that might help me make my decisions about us and figure out what I want? Please I'm desperate
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female
reader, Deagan  +, writes (8 May 2012):
 I agree with the first post, a break might be in order here. You should not have to feel like you are settling down at the age of 21. Besides, if you are already feeling like you're missing out on things and "will never know anything else," imagine how you are going to feel when you ARE settled down and married to this guy a few years down the road. Then you are going to really feel like you missed out. But only then, you feel even more stuck than you are now.
There's nothing you alone can do to bring the spark back in the relationship- it's a joint effort. Talk about things that bother the two of you. Can you two compromise? He says he doesn't like you having guy friends that you talk about so much. Can you compromise to have these guy friends but not talk about them? How about his drinking? Can you two compromise so that he's only drinking for social events? If he wasn't so clingy and you two didn't hang out all the time, wouldn't that give you more things to talk about? How about setting up certain days to have gals/guys night?
How about talking to him first, and try to compromise. That can certainly help bring back the spark. If not, maybe consider that break I mentioned.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): Sit him down and talk to him. Tell him that even though you love him so much, you are still a human being and therefore need your space. Show him the side effects of smoking, and tell him it's not just affecting him; it's affecting you, and if he loves you like he says he does, he would stop.Try to have time for each other; even if it's just a Friday night curl up on the couch cuddle, watching a movie that you both chose or watching TV. Make every other Saturday/whenever is best a date night for both of you- no one else involved.If it all becomes too much, have a break. Not a break up, or even just a little 'trip' in your relationship- just have a few days where you don't see him and pamper yourself, just you and your girls. Then you'll feel much better :)If he still acts clingy, then tell him straight that he is controlling your life. Say there is nothing romantic between you and your guy friends, and there never will be. All you can tell him is the truth, and if he doesn't believe it, as much as you love him, he may not be worth bothering about anymore.I know you don't want to leave him, but it does take 18 months to heal a broken heart- a long time, I know, but it's not forever :)
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