A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 30 year old black guy. Throughout my entire life I've only ever had one GF and even that wasn't really a relationship. I’m sure my fairly traumatic, abusive and neglectful upbringing has something to do with my ‘deficiencies’ later on in life. Not having a male role model e.g. a present father, any older brothers/cousins or older neighbourhood friends to provide guidance didn’t help either. The only constant role model/caregiver i’ve had in my life is my mother. From what she has told me, it would appear she has had a very difficult childhood and life but has achieved a fair amount regardless; decent job, owns her house, drives, etc… She tried with me and my 2 younger brothers as a single mum and despite everything it could have certainly been worse. Unfortunately as I have grown older i have started to realise that while the financial neglect and physical abuse was pretty bad at times (i’ve still got a few scars with interesting stores behind them), it was the verbal/mental abuse that has done the real damage to me (and them) over the years. My mother is of mixed heritage, half Jamaican and half Scottish. Light skinned…it’s all the rage these days, but back in her day, she was seen as a ‘half-breed’ and given up for adoption as a baby, i’m sure that has left it’s mark on her. She also hasn’t been the luckiest lady in love either so she would frequently voice her displeasure at ‘black men’ to me and my brothers. It was constant. We would be told things like “Comb your hair properly you don’t wanna go around looking like a Gollywog” “Make sure you do your homework, it’s bad enough being black, let alone being black and stupid” At the time, I preferred words rather to being beaten with the wooden spoon, belt, high heel shoe or back scrubber brush handle. But as mentioned earlier as i got older, i started to realise why I didn’t tend to fancy black girls, why I found it VERY hard to make friends and fit in with my fellow black people and why I often find myself wishing I was another colour. It was because from a young age, i have been indoctrinated to believe that black people are less than white people BY MY OWN HALF BLACK MOTHER!!! It took years of maturation and my youngest brother’s dad to point this out to us all, that she drove a white car, sent us to nearly all-white, Catholic schools and made sure that i ‘spoke white’ too. Long story short with my mother… she broke me down to the point where i don’t even know who i am anymore. I’m too ‘white’ to chill with the black guys and will always be a black guy to the white fellas. I tend to fit in a bit better as the ‘token black guy’ in a group of white people but I am constantly told things like “You act so white” I will defensively say something like “How?” To be told something like, “Because you are polite and don't act like a dick like most black guys…” Im like “Am i supposed to be flattered by this or something?” It’s soul crushing…When I remember back to primary/elementary school years, I was confident, fairly carefree and a bit of a violent tearaway to be honest. I didn't really care that much about girls despite having a few girls who liked me but i did have crush on one particular girl. This girl had tended to my sore hand on my first day, after my mum had viciously walloped it earlier that morning with a wooden spoon because I had been playing with matches. I was 6 years old…This trend followed me to my second primary school (my mum moved me because i was getting picked on by the teachers for being a bit of a handful. i did have a temper but i was getting beaten by my mum every day more or less) where I would have one girl that I fancied and that was it. It was unfortunate that both of these girl’s families were ‘just a little bit racist’ so it was almost forbidden love. They both liked me but were never my official girlfriend’s, if such things even mattered at that age.The stuff really hit the fan in secondary school. While i was quite smart, i remember being an immature, little brat in my first year. I was never a bully but more of a class clown, always annoying the girls and pulling pranks on them (nothing malicious, just annoying) One thing I noticed though is that i was doing more or less the same things to the girls that other boys were doing, yet the girls took it as a flirting when they did it, but started to really dislike me. I didn't care at the time what anybody thought of me, it was only as we started hitting puberty like 14/15, that i started liking multiple girls in my year only to find that they borderline hated me due to my immature antics in year 7 when i was 11/12. I was never one of the ‘cool kids’ either always a bit of a drifter drifting from one group to another. So long story shorter, i never hooked up in secondary school AT ALL. Asked out 3 or 4 girls and was turned down by all of them. I know i missed HUGE developmental milestones in my life then and even during those times with turmoil at home and hormones all over the place, i subconsciously knew that i was not like everyone else and was missing out on some important lessons/milestones with the opposite sex. From then onwards at college and later university, i steadily lost more and more confidence and self esteem over the years to the point where i would develop anxiety when talking to a girl i liked because she was almost certainly more experienced than me and i fear her working this out and being rejected. I would be constantly thinking and rethinking about what was i going to say, what i should say and it would kill a conversation very quickly. I hated rejection because its all I've ever known. But as we all know, girls don’t like a guy who is anxious and inexperienced so my situation is now a self-fulfilling prophecy of inadequacy and depression.Fast forward to today, I turned 30 years a few months ago. I am still a virgin. Still haven’t had a single proper girlfriend. But because i’m black, a lot of girls expect me to magical in the bedroom but I'm still at the sexual experience level of a teenager. That is DEFO not cute to any girl, i don't care what anybody tells me. THIS causes me huge depression and even more anxiety. The one “girlfriend” i had while i was at uni, i was 25 she was 23, was a friend of a friend just using me for my car, weed and ‘money’ (which was just uni loan money really; plus i wasn't stupid, she was nothing special a solid 5/10 if I'm honest and i knew her game but i just wanted some action at last!) but even with that, one time we were round her house and i was so anxious that i couldn’t get hard enough to do the act. We had been drinking whiskey but not that much. She didn't exactly help the situation by going down on me for 10 seconds (Still couldn't get hard but did feel good) then asking me to go down on her in the dark. I had never even seen her ‘area’ before and she wanted me to blindly kiss it? Looking back now? Sometimes i wish i did just dive in headfirst blind lol. I tried to explain the awkwardness away the next morning by explaining that i didn't have much/any experience with a girl but that did the opposite of make things less awkward. At first she didn't even believe me, if i was smarter then i would have just said “Nah i am joking babe course I'm not a virgin. i was just a bit too drunk last night lets try again tonight? ;)” After she found out the truth she said ‘Well i haven't got time to teach you the ropes” we stayed friends for few more weeks and she disappeared. She has a big mouth too so has almost certainly blabbed about her experience with me that night to both her and my friends.That apart from a drunken fumble with a Russian girl in Cyprus on holiday in 2019 is all i have done with a girl in my 30 years of life. The anxiety of it all is killing me, i just want to be normal, i want to have a family one day. I could be watching an action thriller movie then a soppy love scene comes on and it triggers me. Head in hands, depressing thoughts flooding through my mind. Even reading some of the messages on this site has caused me to be triggered and have to stop reading for several minutes to recompose.For the last 6/7 years, I've just been suppressing my burning loneliness and inadequacy by practicing/playing as much football/soccer as possible both for an adult team and down my local park with both kids and adults which is literally across the street from me. I originally went and played with my youngest brother but he is too grown and cool now, plus i am quite good with kids and so try to train them in football anyway i can and generally oversee games making sure the older kids play gently with the younger ones. I was at uni originally to become a teacher, like my mother. Most kids and parents like me and value my company a lot, i’ve even had parents coming up to me asking if my ‘sessions’ have fixed dates and times and how much i charge!!! This gives me some confidence and self esteem back but not much. But then you have the other people, kids and adults who make comments. They see me at the park quite a lot, they don't see me with a lady so they make assumptions that i am a creep. These assumptions hurt a lot. I don’t have a huge friends list these days, never have really. But the few i do still talk to post COVID don’t do any kind of sport anymore, so if i wanna do it i gotta go out and make the best of what i have. Am i a creep for that?What do i do? What help do i need? Sorry about this rambling essay. My mother doesn't get it and gets defensive if you even mention the past in a negative way. My brothers look to me for leadership. I have no one else to turn to really… I just wanna be a normal/happy guy
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