| A
male
,
*eanygeny
writes: Hi everyone,I have been in a relationship with a wonderful girl for the past four years. She was working as receptionist at an office I was working at when we met.The first 2 or so years were absolutely wonderful. We thought we were invincible. We built a beautiful house, and I bought her a little doggie for Xmas. I was 22 at the time and she was 25. Life seemed great. We were enjoying our time together, going out, having a fantastic social life. Then it seemed, she wanted to kick the relationship into the next gear. It started off as casual remarks about getting married and one day having kids. Then it progressed, and each time I would shrug it off without a thought. It really wasnt were I was heading, and definately wasnt what i was thinking about. But she was - bigtime. At the same time, I wasnt enjoying my job at the time - it was a dead end job and I was starting to regret not staying at uni to finish a degree. The pressures starting mounting. I eventually quit this job and tried out various other jobs in the hope I could find a pleasing career. After all, I didnt want to even think about getting married and having kids until I was in a stable and secure job / career. I found myself being constantly stressed out about money and finding that career. About three years into our relationship we had a big argument because she couldnt understand why I was always shrugging off the marriage talks and in desperation I gave her a false promise that we would get married that March. It took the pressure off momentarily, but soon after she started saying that we should start organising the wedding, when I just totally imploded. I put it all out on the table, saying I wasnt ready for marriage or kids, and she was not happy to say the least. She loves me so much, but in her opinion, if I didnt know now, when would I ever know? This was a fair comment, and I loved her so I pleaded with her to give me another year at least. She reluctantly agreed. A few months ago I proposed to her. I had had a diamond ring sitting in my cupboard for 12 months that she knew about, but I hadnt felt quite the right time yet. It didnt feel like I thought it would feel giving it to her. I didnt know if I was just giving it to her to get the monkey off my back. I didnt want to think that, but I couldnt stop thinking about it. I didnt feel like I was in it 100%. It was hurting me.Recently we organised an engagement party which is due to take place in a couple of weeks time. I should be happy about this, but I'm just not, I dont know why.But it all reached breaking point yesterday. I came home and we started talking. She is very intuitive, and had picked up on my attitude and feelings long before this. She knew something was up. We got talking about everything and I put it all on the table.I told her that the pressures of finding a new job, to have security for the future, pressures of getting married and having kids when I wasnt ready, pressures of money.. that my feelings for her had changed. I had been waking up every morning driving to work thinking about her and if we were wasting our time. I cant really put my finger on what the problem is. I dont know what to do. I love her, but I just get a sick feeling in my gut all the time. I dont feel the same anymore. I dont know if its because of the stresses, or because I'm approaching 25 years of age and Ive only been with 2 girls and I'm wanting to explore a bit more, maybe its the committment factor? Maybe I wonder that there might be something better around the corner? She is the most awesome, loving partner a guy could have.. she has dinner waiting for me every night.. she washes my clothes and looks after me because she idolises and loves me to bits.. why is this not enough for me? I'm so lost at the moment. I wish I loved her the way I used to.I am hurting bad at the moment. I know I cant go on like this, feeling the way I do. Its not fair on her if I am not in it 100%. She deserves the world..I also know that if we broke up, it would probably give me time to get my head together, and would really put things into perspective and then I might really be able to find out if its meant to be. But I know that would meant I would risk losing her forever. Your comments/thoughts are appreciated.
View related questions:
broke up, money, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2006): You are very young in this day and age to be getting married. There is no point if you are not 100% ready. It is not fair on either of you. You should say to your girlfriend that you are not ready and that you can't put time frame on when you will be ready. Tell her and show her you love her very much and that you would like to marry her some day when you are not so stressed and have your head sorted out. It is up to her what she decides to do but if she is of a similiar age she should also realise that she is young too and there is a whole lot of life out there for living. Prehaps a change of scene would do you both good such as going travelling.
A
reader, Rainee  +, writes (3 November 2006):
 Maybe you do need to get more girl experience under your belt. Maybe you do need to be settled with a job and money before you're married. Maybe you're just afraid of committment. And maybe if you let her go to discover yourself, even you admit, you risk losing her forever. The only thing that IS certain is that it's selfish for you to keep her around at your pleasure, so that she's condemned serve a man that won't give 100%.
You should do her a favor and leave. You describe her as a monkey you want off your back, and that even though she's wonderful, you "wonder that there might be something better around the corner". These are not the words of a loving man.
She doesn't deserve to be stuck with a guy like you; let her go. She's older than you--if you're approaching 25, that means she's approaching 30--and frankly, she doesn't need to waste any more of her prime years with a guy who won't commit.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (3 November 2006):
 Hi there
"I also know that if we broke up, it would probably give me time to get my head together, and would really put things into perspective and then I might really be able to find out if its meant to be. But I know that would meant I would risk losing her forever."
these are the words u said and belive, if then this is how u feel why dont u do it ofcourse u risk loosing her 4ever but what good will it be if u get married and divorec a week later just bcos u ddnt want to face ur fears? u still gonna loose her 4ever.
u love each other alright? but love alone is not enough it needs supplements and if they are not there it dies.
I think u guys need to cool off things a bit bcos u re not ready for marrige and family but she is, which brings a lot of pressure to both of u as a couple maybe try counseling i belive it will also put a lot of things into perspective.
As for exploring with other women a person can never explore enough with the opposite sex thats why this thing called commitment is important and should be respected by both partners.
I am glad u guys are talking about this unfortunately u always make promises u cant keep please dont waste any of her time move on so that she can find someone who can commit to her if u still cant see a future together. hope this helps
...............................
|
