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writes: I have been married for almost 6 years to a wonderful, caring man who loves me very much. We have 5 kids (2 are from my previous marriage, 3 are ours). My husband and I got married after only 7 weeks and yes I know that is very soon but things have been good for the most part. When we met I was going through the hardest time of my life, red flag I know. I had gotten divorced a year and a half before, fallen in love with the man of my dreams, got pregnant.I lost my father due to suicide and lost my baby and lost the love of my life. I was a wreck, I was drinking and as not a good mother. I met my now husband and really he saved me. I got married and sobered up. I faced a lot of my issues and grew up. I am a military wife, a mother to 5, a college student and a business owner. I really have done well compared to that time. My problem is i think about my ex all the time. I lost a baby on Feb 3rd 2004 and about a week before Feb 3rd this year I had a feeling to look up my ex on FB. I found him and sent him a request. He has accepted it but we have not talked. I can not stop thinking about him. I love my husband but more as a friend. I am not attracted to him, there is no passion, we fight over everything, I feel like I am his mother more then his wife and I do not want to live this way. My ex lives in a different state but it is not that far away. I do not even know if he has any interest in me but the passion that we had was amazing and part of me wants to know if it is still there. My husband is deploying soon and that makes me nervous. I do not want to cheat on him but isnt it kind of cheating already if I am thinking of someone else. I do not know what to do. Why did he accept me on FB if he is not interested? Also why is he not talking to me? I sent him a message and he has not replied. I want to tell my husband about my feelings but do not want to hurt him. I have told my husband I am not happy and he acts like I said nothing. I tell him so many times we need to work on our marriage. Our marriage is slipping away, but he blows it off. I do not want to be together just for the kids, but am scared to be alone. I do believe true love exists I just think it can be hard to find and if you find it you need to hold on to it. I have never been butterflies in the stomach with my husband. I think I settled for security not for true love. Any advice? Please be gentle to me. Any help is appreciated.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 My very best wishes to you for the counselling. Don't be impatient with the process. The counseller does not tell you what you need to do. Instead the counsellor is a catalyst who brings you to a point where you reach the realisation that all the answers are already within you. The counsellor coaxes and encourages you to reach the point where you put changes in place that best suit you. That is why just one or two sessions will not be enough.
I can see that you are an incredibly good woman who has achieved so much.
Though you may do yourself some good if you put all the guilt you harbour into a lockable strong box. Close lid the on that box of guilt and throw away the key.
Good luck in all your endeavors in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGamine do you have any clarification as to how I am a saboteurs. I answered all of the questions you asked and researched it and honestly I do not see any comparison. If you have some insight I would appreciate it, thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnnalisa I do not know why I am even remotely curious about him let alone have feelings for him. I truly loved him though and although I do know he did not love me I wished he did. I am learning so much about myself by writing on here and listening to responses it is amazing. I am beginning to wonder if I want him to love me so I can hurt him the way he emotionally hurt me. maybe I am a revengeful person ad have not known it. Maybe I am really in love with him, maybe I just regret it so much that even though I know we can not go back I want to change it somehow. I do not know. My husband treats me well although we have issues I know he loves me but I really do need to figure out what is going on. I may have 2 completely different situations here and have not realized it. One I need to find a way to cope with what I did to my baby and two I need to figure out how to make my marriage work or not and find out if I am really happy or not with my husband so we can have what we both deserve. Thank you for your words on here, it is really appreciated. Stating that I may feel unworthy of my husbands love and devotion gets me thinking as well. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGamine that is a lot of questions haha but I will do my best to answer them for you.
1) How old were you when you married? I was first married at age 20
2) What was your life like when you married your first husband? A snapshot of who you were and what you were going through. My ex husband was mentally abusive when the physical abuse began I left.
3) What was it about your first husband that made him your choice for a husband? To be completely honest my first child is a result of getting pregnant at 17 I met my ex husband and got pregnant. I was scared to be a single mother of 2 so we got married to get insurance for me. He reminded me frequently that we were not married because he loved me.
4) What 'happened' in the marriage and why the divorce? Again he was abusive and I became a different person. I was weak and let him push me around. I am a strong woman and finally remembered that so I took back control of my life and left.
5) Tell me about your father, his coping skills, his life, etc... a snapshot of him. My father was an alcoholic and when he died he was extremely drunk. I do not think he would have done what he did if he was sober. That is what makes it even harder for me is he has no idea what he did he was not himself.
6) Who is this person who you say is the love of your life? How/why did you become pregnant and lose the baby? Why did your relationship with the love of your life end? This person is my ex boyfriend. We met after I left me husband. I became pregnant when I thought we were being careful but obviously we were not. I had never considered doing what I did and at first the father seemed ok with the situation but he started talking about abortion. I told him he was crazy at first because I have never considered that and have always been against it. He kept saying we were not ready but we loved each other and we were going to be together and when we were ready it would happen again and we would be a family. He was really pushy with it and I fell for it and believed it would be the best. We went to the clinic and even then the staff kept asking if I anted to do this, I kept telling them no but I have to. I believed I did not have a choice and I was wrong I did have a choice. After I did that he became a different person, just rude to me. He would not answer my calls but would call when he wanted to and would come over at his convenience. I got tired of that and realized I was mad at him, I blamed him for the abortion and I left. I have missed him but am still mad at him. I do not understand my feelings for him at all.
7) Why did you begin drinking? I started drinking because I could, it is that simple. After my divorce I realized I had been married and never drank, I was a good housewife and stayed home while my ex husband went out all the time. I wanted to see what it was like. It got out of hand.
8) Why did you sober up? I grew up with alcoholic parents and always said I would not do that to my kids. I never wanted one of my kids to need me in the night and not be able to take care of them. My husband and I talked about what path we were going down and what it was doing to the kids and we stopped.
9) What was it about your husband that made him your choice for a life mate? What are his attributes? A snapshot of him. My husband is caring and loving. He loves me more then any man ever has. He is there for me and always will be. I can depend on him. He loves his kids. I trust him.
10) Why did you clean up your act and what was behind your choice to enter college? I have wanted to go to school for a long time. I have always wanted to be a successful business owner. I want my kids to see me achieve my goals and know that they can do whatever they want to.
11) Why did you decide to have children in your first marriage? Why did you decide to become pregnant in your relationship after your divorce? I did not decide to have children in my first marriage as explained I got pregnant on accident. I was off the pill because I was having issues with it so we were taking other precautions however he was not being as careful as he said. He was not surprised at all when I found out I was pregnant. The relationship after my divorce I again was not planning on that. I most likely was drinking and was not careful I never considered getting pregnant when.
12) What type of business are you in and why did you start it? How is the business doing? I actually own a housecleaning company. I do cleanings for new homes, remodeled homes and move out cleanings. It is doing very well and I am getting new clients regularly. With my other company I teach people how to use coupons and save money. I also help them with finances. I teach them how to organize their finances to save the most money and begin a debt free life. To do this people need to be organized so I am there to help them organize monthly bills, set a budget, and lower their grocery bill. My clients save up to 90% on their monthly groceries. I have cut my yearly bills down by more then 20,000 a year and I teach other people how to do the same.
13) What were you feeling when you made the leap to contact this ex, and what is going on between you and your husband? I contacted my ex a week before the worst day of my life, the day I had an abortion. I was just curious if he was on FB so I looked him up and there he was. I was sad and had been having nightmares about what I did. I do not know what I thought would come from contacting him. My husband and I argue over so many things. I feel like I am his mother more then his wife. We can do things together and have fun as friends but when it comes to being romantically involved I am not interested. wish I was because I do love him but I am not attracted to him.
I also want to ad, you say I do not cling to my children that I have. I love my children very much. They are my life. I am there for them whenever they need me, wether they know it or not. I am on the PTA, here to help with homework, play board games with them, we eat dinner at the table together every night, I tuck them in at night (even the 14 year old) and tell them I love them repeatedly through the day. I would be lost without my kids. Please do not think any different then that. Also I know things happen I have not had an easy life as some would say but it is my life and it is what I make it. I find the good in things no matter what. I know things happen for a reason. I am just not used to these feelings so am looking for some understanding. I also want to say that we just found out my husband is deploying, we have been having issues since before we found out about it. I also talked to him last night and told him I am going to seek counseling while he is gone because the baby is on my mind more and more as time goes by. He thinks it is a good thing for me to do.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 February 2011):
hi, i think you are on the right track with getting some talk over time with a counsellor.
I don't think you have mental issues.
My attitude to counselling (which I've used more than once) is this:
If the plumbing needs work i call an appropriate specialist=plumber
Ditto if I need an electrician, carpenter, or a hairdresser. They all provide a professional service.
And if I need some clarification and talking over issues then i need a professional service, eg = counselling. Maybe two or three visits, another time a little longer because I wanted to better understand myself.
And I've grown and learnt a little more each time. And it focused me or real priorities. And standing up assertively to a horrid manager, where that manager was making my life hell (and hell for many others too).
If you find a really good one with advanced professional qualifications then a good one is gold!
You already run a business, and you could not do that AND manage a family etc, if you were not already very capable.
But some good counselling will lift you. You may not even realise it is working, at first, but over time you willl sense that you are travelling better.
And be kind to you. And not so tough on yourself. You need more 'happy days' and less 'should have, would have, wish did do' days.
You could not run your household and your business and keep your clients if you were not well organised and capable.
So starting patting you on the back, for all the great things you DO Do. And all the good things you have done, and will do, in the future.
Don't rush to get it all sorted in just one or two sessions with a counsellor.
Give yourself a minimum of six sessions. Over 6 weeks.
My very wishes to you,,
Regards, Abella
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am curious though how there is a pattern Gamine between what I have expressed and being a saboteur. The time in my life when I was not doing well was not me sabotaging anything. My divorce was because my ex husband was abusive, my mistake that I made was not something I wanted and my dad killing himself well that had nothing to do with me. So I am curious how because I am not happy in my marriage I am showing signs of being a saboteur? I am really just confused on this so some explanation would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just really wanted to say thank you everyone. I was really nervous last night when I posted this because I was so honest and I was afraid I would be criticized but everyone has really made me think. Some things have been harder to hear than others but I really did ask this with an open mind and am listening. I do not want to lose my husband because of a mistake. If I am really not happy in my marriage then I need to approach that the mature way and not do something to ruin it without giving it a chance. I am going to take the time my husband is gone and focus on myself by getting some counseling. I will be open and as honest as I can. What I did 7 years ago hurts me more every year and I need to heal and forgive myself. I can not change it. I realize I do have some things I need to work out but do not feel like I have mental issues. I think I have a problem with expressing my feelings and dealing with things. I tend to hide things and keep going. I do not have time to stop and be emotional. The bad thing about that is I have a lot of emotions built up and do not know what to do with them, because of that I need to find someone to talk to and help me deal with it. Thank you again everyone.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): Well, there is a good chance that the problem lies with you, not with your spouse, and the problems from the loss and unresolved grief and depression.
Your husband is being deployed, it is a good time to go to individual counseling, but not a good time to be involved with anyone from the past, or another relationship.
Honestly, sounds like you don't know what is going on in your own head right now, a counselor can help you sort that out. However, they can only help you if you are honest, open (and I do mean really open...no secrets and no concealment or evasiveness), and willing to work on your mental health.
If the first counselor doesn't work, get a second, and so on.
Don't have an affair, that is a sure way to start thinking like your father did.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): I would forget your ex. He added you on FB as a friend. But he hasn't replied to your message so I think that you can say he doesn't want to be in contact in that way. I think you are thinking too much into this. He is not the answer to your problems. It is all a bit of a fantasy that is helping you to get through the day.
You married at a very difficult time in your life. Your husband was almost a knight in shining armour. Think back to the stablity he brought to your life. Things have obviously changed over time. They do anyway in relationships. Everyone has there ups and downs. I think you need to get counseling for yourself while he is away. Get to the bottom of all your feelings about things that are not resolved. But whatever you do, do not think that the ex would solve any issues you have. Life would just get a whole lot worse. Or he may reject you, again, not good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Thank you for your update. I agree with your husband, you have to find a way to forgive yourself and I think the counseling, for yourself is a really good idea that is what you should do while he is away, you need to work on yourself first, once you let go of the pain, I think you will be able to tackle the two of you
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for the answers. I just wanted to clarify a couple of things here. Yes my husband and I met at a bad time in my life and I was drinking, but he was drinking too, a lot. We really worked together to stop and to straighten things up. I am a fabulous mother, hard worker, and a great wife. I have never done anything to hurt my husband. He has deployed many times and I am always home with the kids. I recently have been experiencing feelings that I never have had while with someone else, so it is new to me and honestly I feel really quilty for having them and for being here. I do not think I am looking to sabotage anything, I am actually trying to fix it. I think the right question was asked "what am I holding on to?" I think I am holding on to that baby. I really did not want to do what I did and that is a lot of why we ended our relationship. We saw different on it, I was scared, I was recently divorced and he begged me to do it. He did not leave me after, I was just so mad at him and myself I ended it. I am a strong woman, I have to be, I am a supportive military wife who's husband is leaving again and it is just not a good time. Would I ever do anything? I really do not think so. Passion would be nice, but my children being in a loving home is more important to me. My husband and I do love each other I am just not sure it is the right kind of love and what he or I deserve. I am afraid we got married too soon and during out "honeymoon period" we were getting to know each other. Now it is 6 years later and I have changed a lot. Shouldn't I be happy though too? I know he loves me but am I obligated because of the kids to be with him. There are definitely issues and unfortunately no time to do counseling before he leaves. I have told him I am not happy in hopes we can work some things out and he ignores it. Maybe I will look into counseling for me. My husband has told me I have to forgive myself for what I did and I cannot do it. There are only 3 people in my life that know about that, so it is not talked about. Until now when I posted it on here but luckily nobody knows me. My family would disown me and I never want my kids to know. Thank you so much everyone I am really liking that I can express myself on here truthfully and just ask questions. Thanks for taking the time to answer them.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 February 2011):
you have got a lot on your plate right now. So I hope I can cover everything.
It is to your credit that you have rebuilt your life. Built a business. Brought up children. And a lot of that rebuilding has been assisted by the stability of being with your husband.
Now your task is to rebuild the sizzle into your marriage.
No, you are not cheating yet. You are fantasizing about an ex who is possibly not interested.
Whereas your husband, from what you have said, has been a good provider. But you are feeling a bit bored with him. Compared to the memories of a shadow from the past. Surely working on your marriage would end in fewer tears than disrupting your life and the lives of everyone around you.
The early days of a relationship, especially the first two years, are full of fast furious escalating passion. Memorable. Amazing. Often called the 'honeymoon period' The period during which a man is more likely to propose. When the couple often marries, as that seems the most natural progression in the relationship. Yet real life has more routine and more challenge than that.
Players often play as they are addicted to new partners all the time. So that they only ever have short term honeymoon period relationships. Butterflies in a tummy are often associated with the honeymoon period.
Your husband entered your life during a bad time in your life. And demonstrated his unselfish love by supporting you back to a good place. The butterflies possibly were not noticed because you were working on getting back into a better place. He stood by you through all that. I call that love.
With my guy I am delighted to see him first thing every morning. And love communicating (we talk a lot) with him. And occasionally get irritated with one of his proposed decisions. And when he's not agreeing with me he uses the full long version of my name. So i look over at him, and he knows I've realised and understood what he's thinking. And he'll smile at my recognition of his signal use of my full version of my name. But i love all that communication. And he hates it on the days he knows he'll be away. His hurt is genuine when he says, 'x number of days without you, i'll have to be treated for separation anxiety' and we laugh.
And yes the longer you are together the more routine and comfortable it is. And caring. And showing consideration. And support. And occasionally being firm because he does not want to go to the doctor, for instance. Because you care.
So a real relationship grows to the next stage, where real life returns to the fore. That's the challenge, to keep the relationship alive, with trust, empathy, communication, caring etc as you move to the next stage in an adult marriage relationship.
Your ex accepted you as a friend on FB, but has not replied to your message/s. He has moved on. I think he was just being polite.
FB is very artificial, and does not have the significance that some people think. FB is just a web site. A comercial site for people to 'friend' people they do or do not know or some who they used to know. And in many cases they 'friend' people they have never met, and never intend to meet. How can '
such people be 'friends'?
You mention that your husband is caring. Your children no doubt appreciate the stability of the six years you and he have been together. What are you doing to make him feel special on St Valentine's day? How often do you give him a foot massage? A back massage? Listen to him without judgment? Find out what's worrying him. Many women would love such a caring man. He came in and supported you when you were at a low ebb.
To selfishly and thoughtlessly tell your husband that you have feelings for another man who may not even want you - a mere shadow - would deeply hurt your husband. It would be a thoughtless cruel act on your part. Utterly hurtful to say such things to a man who I think does love you. And that man is your husband.
Are you addicted to wanting a crisis to stress over so you can enjoy being saved again? I think you would regret losing this man even more in years to come than some of the past traumas you have managed to live with or been seriously troubled by.
Your build and maintain a marriage by using tact, diplomacy and patience and understanding. In a good marriage there is routine. and good times.
I think you should get some extra counselling regarding your baby. The baby you lost in Feb 2004.
Losing a baby is seriously tragically sad. The loss of a baby, no matter what the circumstances, is one of the really big losses. You can remember someone you loved; and that is normal, but you cannot let it take over your thoughts 24/7
Perhaps you need some healing words to help you see out that date every year.
One never forgets a baby, nor the date they left this world. But we cannot allow such a sad event to dominate our thoughts for years. A spiritual healing ceremony where you light a candle and say any words you want to say to baby,
might help.
Baby can stay in your thoughts, but not dominate you daily. Because some things are meant to be, no matter what.
And we need to be kind to ourselves, daily so that can best function in the real world
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): So much revolves around love and affection and physical contact in relationships.. and there are many married people who don't rate it as being a as important as it actually is...but it really is...unless BOTH parties have very low libidos...It's so difficult, especially when you've made moves to resolve things with your husband and got no where.. so you ARE trying...Very frustrating for you...The MAIN thing is... your children... everything must revolve around them, their well being, and peace of mind...If this EX means so much to you then contact him and say 'Gidday! Wow it's been years! How on Earth are ya?' OR don't ever contact him and drive yourself potty!You can ask an old friend how they are ..there is nothing wrong with that!. Reality is different from the fantasylands fabricated in our minds...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): This guy is an ex, you were with thing things didn't work out, what are you holding on to?
You said for the most part things are good with your husband, but you love him like a friend, and I am guessing you want more thank that, well ok, leave him and go and find what you are looking for and your husband will be free to find a woman that loves him like a wife should love her husband.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): I really can relate. There is a man in my past I thought was "the man of my dreams". But in our fantasies things can be however we want... the passion is more passionate, the happiness shinier and we can just forget about any flaws. So whenever I slip into fantasizing about him... I just remember, oh yeah, this "dream man" walked away. He didn't CHOOSE ME. And he's not here for me now. That tends to bring me back to my senses, when I think about that part.
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female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (10 February 2011):
Wow. This is a tough situation. I can relate to your feelings. But I think you are looking for some perspective here so I will tell you what I see. First of all, you talk about being "obsessed" with this ex, but you don't really shed any light on why you broke up. But certainly there are reasons and I think the fact that you did break up says a lot. Be careful that the mundane day to day does not have you glorifying the past. You have 3 kids with your husband, so I'm sure at some point you had a lot of passion with him too, but now it's faded a bit. I think this is normal, especially under the pressure of raising 5 kids.
You said you were going through a really difficult time. What stands out to me is that when times where tough, your husband stood by you and "saved" you and got you to a good place. Your ex, it appears, just bailed on you. And if he bailed on you with only 2 kids and a heart full of grief for 2 that you lost... I think he will bail on you double quick with 5 kids and a husband hanging around.
You talk about butterflies and true love... but a guy who bails when things are hard doesn't sound like true love to me. A man who stands by you, saves you from grief and alcohol abuse, helps you get up on your feet again... that sounds more like true love. Perhaps what you need to do is find a good counselor and work on your marriage yourself, if he will not join you. Butterflies are lovely, its true. We all want that. But don't throw away a marriage and the father of your children for a few butterflies that will fly away.
End your Facebook friendship. Walk away and focus on your family. Your husband didn't give up on you when times where hard, so repay the favor. Don't give up on him now that times are hard in a different way.
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