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female
,
anonymous
writes: I just got back from a rehab center in January. It has been a big part of my life and I am proud of the accomplishments I have made. I'm not afraid to share it, but I come with a lot of baggage. I usually think it's best to be upfront and honest when I meet a guy, and let him know what he's getting into..is that wrong? Because I started dating this guy, we fell in love, and we moved in together. He said I was too much emotion to handle. We got into a huge fight and he saw a side of me he never saw before, my anger. I suppressed it so long because I was afraid of him seeing it. Even though shared everything with him, he knew everything I knew about me, I spilled everything to him over the months we dated. Am I supposed to not? Am I supposed to hide my past? Tell me how I'm supposed to make a relationship work. What should I do about my past? How much should I say, when should I? What's the right way to go about having / wanting a long term relationship!?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2006): Wow, what an excellent post from Yos.
I can't think of any thing else to say apart from good luck for the future, going by the tone of your message it seems you are more than ready to get in to a happy and commited relationship - good luck! :)
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 July 2006):
 I do think honesty is the best policy.
It's not easy. By sharing your past you can easily scare someone off, intimidate them, or set them up for jealousy or other difficulties. But it's worth it.
It's worth it because a good relationship relies on openness, trust and intimacy. You can't have any of those without sharing your life with someone, all of it, the good bits and the bad. If you hold out on someone then you don't create trust, you don't get to know the person you are with, it's not a 'real' relationship.
What this does mean is that you'll find most men can't handle you. They'll find you 'too much to deal with' in some way or other and split and run. It sounds like that's what just happened to you. For 'too much emotion' you can read 'too much personal information' or 'too complicated for me to handle'.
But it sounds like you did the right thing with your boyfriend. Just that he wasn't the right guy for you. A man who can handle everything that's going to get thrown at him by you is going to have to be strong, self-aware, and able to communicate emotionally. Not every one is going to be like that. Plenty won't be up to it. They aren't right for you.
But when you find someone that is, a man that is right for you, you'll find you're even better off. You'll find that your approach (and that he reciprocates) will make the two of you better off, that sharing your past will bring you closer and make your appreciation of each other stronger. He'll love you for who you are, who you were, and how you got from one place to the other.
It's also good to deal with these things early in a relationship because it saves you putting a lot of time, energy and emotion into something that then falls apart later. Best to know up front if your partner is able to cope with these issues, rather than several years later when ending your relationship will be much more painful and complex.
I have to say that you have impressed me. It is hard to come out of a situation like you have and be upfront and honest with people. It's easier to just hide your past and let people see a manufactured version of you. The person you'd like them to see rather than the person you really are. Well, while its easier in the short run the truth always catches up with you in the end. Your actions show that you have dealt with a lot of your baggage, well done!
Some tips:
- Don't settle for a relationship where your past has not been openly discussed and dealt with. Otherwise it will come back to haunt you later
- Anger is ok in a relationship in the right form. You don't want to be criticising or hurting someone, but anger as a simple expression of 'how you feel right now' can be healthy. Don't worry too much about hiding it, maybe try just letting it out and letting it blow over quickly when it does come
- Many men are uncomfortable with emotional openness in conversations. But not all. Just because your approach didn't work with one (or more) guys, it doesn't mean you are going about things wrong. It means you haven't met the right man yet. And there are lots of men out there just dying to have an intimate, mature relationship and just need to find the girl who can help them get to that place.
Good luck and I hope everything works out well for you.
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