A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am just coming to an end of a complicated breakup in which I have finally realised I have made some huge mistakes but also that I have some personal problems relating to intimacy with other people. This originates from a period when I was alot younger and my step-sister who is older tried to take advantage of me on a number of occassions. For years I thought that it had not affected me and carried on with my life. I have had a small number of relationships up to now but none of them lasted and none of them I had made love to. I thought it was just me being fussy or them not liking me. But ending my recent relationship which has been the hardest thing to deal with in my life to date I have realised that my past has caught up with me. I have always found it hard to assert myself in a sexual way towards my partners. I always feel like I am almost in the wrong, and feel like I am being too assertive so back off immediately. Its just like a natural response. It has been so hard over the last few years becuase of my last relationship. I really loved her and I let these feelings stop me tell her how I feel and that ultimately ended any chances of us staying together. She knew about my ordeal in the past, but I have never thought it had affected me in such a way until we broke up and she gave her reasons for doing it. I don't know what to do now. I want to go to counselling but will that help when I have held onto this for so long without dealing with it? I can't tell my family coz that will just be my worst nightmare. I have never told anyone else but my previous partner and don't know who to turn to. I miss her obviously, but now think I wont be able to be in a full loving relationship with anyone again, without these feelings returning.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou anon female. I am just comimg to terms with everything at the moment, (as it wasnt hard enough dealing with the break-up)! I feel at the moment that I cant look forward until I have dealt with this finally by going to get help. I have had this issue floating in my head for so long now, i cant remember what i was like without it. Looking at myself now I can see i have never been truly happy with myself and have always put myself down because of it. I really do hope you find you happiness as i hope to find mine. My thoughts are with you, thanks again..and all the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2007): Like the others have suggested, I think seeing a counsellor is the best way to deal with this. I can totally relate to what you're saying as I experienced abuse at a very young age. Although it was a once off incident, nonetheless it has really affected my relationships (or lack of!) with men. Like yourself I used to think I just didn't like the person that much or I was being fussy, but now I know I was putting up a barrier to protect myself. As soon as a guy would start to get close to me I'd run a mile.
I've found it hard to talk about for a number of reasons, firstly I tried to block it out, pretend it never happened and that it wasn't affecting me now. Secondly it would kill my parents and sister if they knew, they would feel like it was somehow their fault and would never forgive themselves. As for friends, I dont think its something that any of them would really understand. But I need to deal with it so I'll definitely be seeing a counsellor soon.
I really hope everything goes well for you. Good luck with your counselling
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice, seeing some sort of counsellor is a must I know that now. I am just so gutted it took losing someone I really loved to realising it. Thanks again. Best wishes to all who took their time to help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2007): I would suggest you look for a CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) counsellor. You would be best to find one of these in the private sector rather than on the NHS. These generally work with you over the short term and challenge your thinking directly, they are more focused to your present and future rather than your dredging up your past.
Counselors who work with you for many years are most probably psycho-dynamic counsellor's. Psycho-dynamic counselling evolved from traditional Freudian psychotherapy and concentrates on your past, it is non-directional in that everything that is spoken in the session is directed by you alone, this type of therapy very much aims to break you down before building you up. This type of counseling is widely regarded by many as being largely ineffective these day, time consuming and eventually expensive.
Remember also though that people when coming out of relationships generally feel to blame and have their confidence damaged. Our weaknesses tend to feel bigger than they actually are. Give the counseling a try, do a Google search for your area, you don't have anything to loose - all the best.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (6 April 2007):
 Being a victim of sexual abuse by someone I trusted, I can confirm that your feelings are 100% normal. However I went through 5 years of counselling, and even then I had a hard road ahead of me.
For a number of years I couldnt have a real relationship with any guys because I didnt trust them, and when it came time to being intimate, I felt like I didnt deserve them and that I was damaged goods.
It took many years for me to get over it, but i was only 15 when it happened. The right counsellor can make ALL the difference!
I would recommend trying a perhaps two different counsellors. The reason being, you need to find one that you honestly like, and above all trust and can communicate with. Its easy getting a counsellor, but one you can honestly communicate exactly how you feel, makes all the difference!
And good on you for identifying that you need help! That is the first and biggest step!
You have a long road ahead, but you know that, and trust me, you will find someone that will be totally understanding and be gentle with you. You need that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2007): Don't reject counseling as a possible help. Many people are afraid opening up to a "stranger", but counselors are professionals. You have no idea of the stories they have heard. Your experience was unfortunate. At a young age, these things can be very damaging. I am not a liscensed counselor or therapist, but I do know enough to say that you should first get rid of any guilt feelings. You were too young to understand what was happening. Your half-sister obviously had some problems. Be willing to forgive her for that. Work toward becoming a free adult, and allow yourself to relate to others as an adult person who is comfortable with his emotions. You can do this on your own by some "self-help meditation". But do consider counseling. It can be a great help. Best wishes.
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