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female
age
26-29,
*onfusedaly14
writes: Partner and I have been dating for about three and a half years now. Things with his mum seemed okay at first, but I have noticed in the last year or so she has become snide with me and throws little comments here and there. For example, my partner's parents invited us to a gig which took place in a small town hall (they are from a seaside town, and I am from a big city). My partner took his jacket off when he realised just how hot it was in there. He wasn't sure if he should put it over a barricade at the back in case someone stole anything within his pockets. His mum then chimed in and said: "Not in *insert town name*. We don't steal in *town name again*." She really emphasised the town name and the word steal whilst giving me a look in the corner of her eye. The city I am from is relatively safe, but did have a bad track record many years ago. It has completely changed now and for the better. Funnily enough, my car's wingmirror was broken and stolen whilst in the town by a bunch of boys, but I have had no issue with where I am from parking anywhere and my car being safe. Anyway, she also makes comments about my partner's bad habit of disappearing for hours after going out on a night out. Sometimes he doesn't come home until 5am and I find out that he has been to random women's houses, in the past, who were having parties - leaving me on my own. Whilst having a girls' night out with his family, I jokingly mentioned that my partner needs to take bread with him because he forgets his route home. She must not have been impressed by that, because she now makes a joke about a family curse and how they like to have a good time. She ALWAYS says it whilst glaring at me. Again, makes me feel so uncomfortable. Recently, I have noticed that she asks me questions but doesn't let me finish answering them before shrugging me off and speaking to someone else. Partner's sister went into hospital to have a baby and his mum and dad went around to the hospital to visit. Partner was asked to look after his niece at the parent's house and then extended that invite to me as the niece and I have a great time whenever we see each other. Mum and dad came home and we were offered to stay for dinner by the dad, but we had dinner plans anyway in place. His mum then turned to him (after asking me a question, and before I could fully answer her) and said (quite quietly): "I could have ordered YOU a pizza." I have asked my boyfriend if we are okay, but he says he hasn't noticed anything and nothing has been said. But she might not say anything especially if she just doesn't like me. I don't want there to be a rift between myself and his immediate family, but it does make things awkward as I am waiting for constant comments, the glares and being talked over. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2023): She is testing the boundaries to see what she can get away with.
HE should be dealing with this. He either can't or he won't.
If it's the mlatter, it is almost certanly true that he's been talking behind your back to his mom.
If he can't, that's a better option, but he needs to learn how to deal with her or find a woman who will do this for him.
Unfortunately, these women tend to be like these mothers!
My childhood friends has done exactly that - married his mom. She's the only person who can shut the mother up, BUT they are BOTH awafult to him and demand his attention 24/7.
Anyway, you need to talk to him about this, ask him to pay attention to how his mother behaves. With little luck, he will see this for himself.
My MIL to be was nice to me when I was dating my future husband, BUT she did have remarks concerning my looks and how much I weigh. Needles to say, it affected me. When we would have dinner with her or lunch, she woudl serve my husband PILES of food and give me "peanuts", and my husband would be furious and tell her immediately NOT to do that.
I had a chat with her. I told her that I could be her friend or I could simply ignore her and that it was up to her. But, my situation was peculiar. My husband never cared much for his mom, because she had left him when he was a boy (long story) and took him back two years later. His feelings for her were never the same. So I had some levay. And I used it for her sake too. The fact that they have a relationship at all is because I helped them build one. I'm not a saint. Had she been nasty to me I would have asked him to chose and I know what his answer would be.
Your story is maybe not that extreme, but ypou need to set boundaries. And he needs to make his mother respect you. But first he needs to respect you too.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 July 2023):
 Kill her with kindness and don't play her games.
That is my advice.
She likes you "less" now because she knows you two are serious.
Or your partner vents about you to his mom. So what she hears about you is mostly negative.
"Recently, I have noticed that she asks me questions but doesn't let me finish answering them before shrugging me off and speaking to someone else."
SHORT answers work. Some with little or NO details.
She doesn't need to know anything. While she is the mother of your partner, pretend she is a total stranger with no manners that you just have to tolerate.
She is ENJOYING snubbing you. And your partner is either clueless or doesn't care to talk to her. Maybe because he knows her.
Does he make excuses for her?
Do you bring up her behavior a lot and nitpick her?
If you do, don't. You have told him what she does and how she acts and he hasn't noticed or doesn't care. Or he is OK with her behavior because that is how she's always been.
""If she (meaning me) ever gives you trouble, just give me a shout and I will sort her out.""
As for the New Year's party, MAYBE? she was joking?
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A
female
reader, Confusedaly14 +, writes (29 July 2023):
Confusedaly14 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also forgot to mention that at this year's New Year, I was at the mum's house. We were talking about having some people over for drinks. I can't remember the full conversation, but she turned to him, whilst pointing at me, and said:
"If she (meaning me) ever gives you trouble, just give me a shout and I will sort her out."
Every since then, her comments and little things here and there have become a more frequent thing.
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