A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:6 years ago I met my partner in work and he was married for over 15 years with 2 children. Wrong I know! We fell in love and 5 months later he left his family and moved in with me. 5 months later he went back, but left again after 2 weeks. She divorced him after 3 years because he was too scared to, with what his kids would think. His ex wife is very bitter and continually poisoned the kids about evrything about us. 6 years later she will still fly into rages about what we did. Throughout the 6 years he has been riddled with guilt about his children who are both young adults. For 5 years he spends 3 times a week with them as they won't come to our home and he is so scared of losing them, he would not mention me at all. I have never met his kids and he has told me they never will. His ex had great delight telling me my partner does not acknowledge me to his children, this he denied. I know his children will come first but I always feel the family he left will always mean more that the family he has now. I feel we have never gotten married or moved or had children as this will make his relationship harder with his kids. His kids seem the only thing that matters. but I'm excluded from them. He can't see why his double life upsets me and tells me when they get older he will hardly see them, however the double life will continue when they get married and have kids themselves.Will this relationship ever work, as he will always lead a double life, that I will never be part of?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010): consensus the first time: you may have gotten this married man but YOU WOULD NEVER get his kids blessings. You need to accept this, just as you accpeted that he was someone eles husband when you went after him. you cannot manipulate his kids to accept you. you cannot manipulate his kids to acknowledge you. you should have thought about all this when you stole their father from their family unit. kc,70. the horse has bolted, too late for locking the door now. "His ex wife is very bitter and continually poisoned the kids about evrything about us." i think you are a tad bit biase here. what has she said. was it lies? NO. She merely told the kids the truth of what you and their father did. how he cheated on her. how he hurt her. how he went back but came back for the sex. instead of blackening his wife, look at this cheating ex husband. it is HIM that CHOOSES to exclude you. he doesn't want his kids to know about you and acknowledge you. he is ashamed of you and his actions speak volumes. to him you are merely that warm body at night. therefore he chooses not to have you in their lives. he knows , and with this knowledge he CHOOSES to exclude you from all that matters.Please go back to the previous answers provided last year. I repeat: you may have got this woman's husband but you will never be part of their lives. To them you do not exist. and this man is happy with this as well. "He can't see why his double life upsets me" why are you now upset with this so called double life? he was leading a double life with his wife when he was sleeping with you. he was leading a double life as he stole moments with you. he was leading a double life when he betrayed his wife and kids. so i cannot understand why you are now upset that he priorities' his kids instead of you. You keep talking about this man guilt. He does not feel guilt , if he did he would still be with his wife and kids. But he left them for you so I am confused by "guilt". He robbed his wife of 15 years and you gladly took him away from all that mattered to him. She invested 15 years and he just walked away from her and the kids. This is not the action of a man riddled with guilt. This is a man who would do as he please and he does. Just like how he choose to leave his family for you, he is choosing to exclude you from his kids. Instead of blaming his kids look at that weaking you stole. was he worth it? He is choosing to exclude you from his kids and he is telling you blatantly that you are second best, just as you were right from the start. To the female anon reader:"You destroyed his marriage deliberately knowing full well that he was married with kids. " your words are golden. i agree fully. his ex wife is not the key and the OP is actually poisoned against the ex, that is the only way she can justify her behaviour. kc,70. the horse has bolted, too late for locking the door now. actions vs consequences!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, kc70  +, writes (29 January 2010):
I cant believe what i've just read from the other two comments!!! why is it this women is to blame. This man also knew he was married and had children. fact is he was living a lie at home. My advice to you is hang in there and time is a great healer. dont put pressure on him as he has made a massive commitment to you already. there is no time limit. I know i've been there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2009): I know his children will come first but I always feel the family he left will always mean more that the family he has now. Did you REALLY think before you wrote that? Yes his family will always come first. They will have priority over you ,over your children. His had a great deal .....sure....what are you saying ? the man has no balls and can't think for himself? YOU RUINED A FAMILY , YOU BROKE A FAMILY UP, YOU.. not her , not the kids, you should have walked away. Now suffer the consequences and live with it. Harsh you say, not at all.Given to you from a women married 26 years to the same man, 4 kids mortgaged and had him taken by a whore like you, with no values, just self centered. I am glad the guilt is eating at you. I hope it is enough to ruin your relationship, because it wasn't built on honor.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): You destroyed his marriage deliberately knowing full well that he was married with kids. it is so easy to blame his wife for poisoning his kids minds against you, but you know, kids are very smart. They are intelligent and can see right from wrong. of course his wife is bitter, you stole her husband and her kids father. Who wouldn't be.
This is not about his kids or his wife, it’s about you and your deliberate exclusion from their lives. This man has made a choice and the choice is that you will never mean anything to them, now or even later on. Whether it is his guilt and I don’t believe it is his guilt here since he chose you over his family, and 6 years later he is still with you.
You lay blame at his ex wifes feet, saying that she has poisoned them against you. It is so easy for you to blame her, how else do you live with yourself. It is easy to blame this man for excluding you as well. What responsibility or effect have you had on everyone’s lives. I think devastation, destruction, a gale force wind that took this man away from his family. You say that he was scared to divorce his wife but strange, he was not scared to sleep with you while he was married. In fact you continued to mess with a married man for 3 years while he was with his wife.
You make it sound that this man has no balls to be a man. First he wouldn’t divorce his wife for you, his mistress. She in fact had to. Good for her. Then he would not even acknowledge you to his kids. I wonder why?
His children can choose whomever they want contact with. They have chosen not to be bothered with you. This man has allowed them, does he see some merit in all this? You need to respect his kids by acknowledging that they never want to see you. You need to make peace with the fact that this is reality. Their reality was when you intruded into their lives and disrupted their family unit. At that time, you did not respect them enough to leave their parents marriage alone, in fact you helped destroy their family.
You cannot force them to accept you. They have chosen, and their father has also chosen. You will not play any part in their lives. You cannot demand. Please accept it. You sound very hurt and wounded right now. What possible value can you add to these kids? You have never met them because their father does not want you to cause them any further damage. Yes he may continue to sleep with you but as for a family life, he has chosen not to have this with you because you are not his family, just his lover. You accepted his double life when you were the other woman, now you just cannot bear the thought of his double life with his kids. You accepted the duplicity when it mattered to you because you wanted him even though he was married. Now, you just have to accept his so called double life without your existence. Please stop blaming his wife, she is not the issue. You are. You were not even bothered by the fact that he was married, no remorse at destroying a family. Now, when the tables are turned you still lay blame, and play the hurt, injured party. These kids have suffered enough, please leave them be. Do not manipulate the situation any more to be included in their lives. They want nothing, nothing whatsoever to do with you. They are free to make this decision.
I read of a lonely, middle aged woman trying to now hold on to this man, trying to control his actions with his children. Yes, you are in pain but you have caused it. At least you are an adult, imagine 6 years ago these children had to endure the pain of you breaking up their family unit. They were innocent yet paid the price.
Cause and effect, you sowed hatred, pain and destruction and now you are reaping the very same. Karma???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): You have made the decision to be a home-wrecker, and now you are reaping the rewards of such a distinction. In time, perhaps the children will grow and mature, and have their own relationships, and see their father as a man who simply had some relationship issues, left the mother of his children, found a new love, tries to get along with everyone without rocking the boat too much.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (17 April 2009):
It doesn't look too good for you, does it.
To be honest, I can understand why his kids would feel that way and want to stay loyal to their mother.
But he'll never make them happy by being with you, and he'll never make you happy by creeping round trying to make them happy.
I do feel sorry for your partner as he's clearly stuck in the middle and hasn't a clue what to do. Unfortunately, as his wife found out, he'll continue to dither for years if neccesary rather than make a decision. He'll wait for someone else to make the hard choices.
I honestly think he'll continue to do exactly the same thing for years and years until his kids either decide to cut contact, or you get sick of it and leave.
Personally I think you need to tell him to get some balls and make some kind of decision.
He needs to sit his ex wife down and apologise for cheating on her, for messing her about, for hurting her.
He needs to sit his kids down and ask them to accept that he loves you. He's with you and he knows he did wrong to their mum but they need to deal with it and realise they can't keep torturing him forever. He's happy with you and he loves them so much but he needs to be happy in his life.
The only thing is that I don't think he'll do that. He'll keep dithering because that is what he does.
If had been straight with his wife and left her in a clean split in the first place then he probably wouldn't be in so much mess.
Good Luck!! xx
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