A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had a terrifying conversation with my fiance the other day: Children.For a long time, I have been somewhat opposed to becoming a mother. I am a very seclusive person. I need personal space and me time in order to keep sane. I cannot even begin to imagine having absolutely none of that and devoting every single tiny second to a little person. That, and I'm also big on my career. I've worked hard and will be graduating in June, setting off to find a job in Graphic Design. My fiance wants a child once we are financially stable and such...and preferably within the next 2-5 years. Little children, I can handle...but babies? I really hate to sound like a bad person, but they sort of gross me out a little-changing diapers, cleaning vomit, wiping spit,screaming, crying...I just have a really difficult time wrapping my head around the positive aspects of it. I don't want it interfering with my career. For a while, it didn't seem so bad. So I came home from his house and attempted to play with my 2yr old niece. After about 10 minutes of her destroying my room and throwing everything I gave her to the ground...I started to become very annoyed. I also had to straighten up, which was almost an impossible task with her around...and I became even more annoyed. I really just couldn't find enjoyment out of being around her.I really just cannot see myself as a good mother. I'd get annoyed far too easily. But then I think that...I'm only 21. Everyone has always put faith in my changing the way I felt about small children...but I simply cannot stand to even be around them for too long. Is there a chance this could change in the future? I've also heard people say "it's different when it's your own." Is this true? Is there a chance I could even remotely adapt to ever being a mother? What are some positive aspects about it?He has a lot of faith that my attitude about it will change...but I'm scared it might not. I figured I'd ask here so that I can start focusing more on the positive aspects that might accompany motherhood, and stop focusing so much on the negative.
View related questions:
fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): It's always possible you could change. But would you want to test that by having a child? The only way to be sure is to have a baby. The problem is if your not cut out to be a mom you're stuck with another person who relies on you completely.
As for "it's different when it's your own" ask the people telling you that about the recent story of a mother putting her baby in a microwave because it wouldn't be quiet. Or mention mothers who stabbed their children to death or straped them in a car and then drove it into a lake. Producing a child is no guarantee that you will love it.
Unless you really and truly want a child, tell your fiance that you won't marry him as long as his love is conditioned on you changing your mind.
I'm sorry but I can't give you any positive aspects of motherhood since I don't know of any.
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (3 September 2008):
Wow - for someone just barely old enough to (legally) buy a drink, you ask some tough questions! Just for the record, I have two adult children and one still in college.
I have to agree with "gabberjackranch" - if you and your fiance aren't in basic agreement on this question, you're not ready to get married. I discussed this in the thread "Should we get engaged?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-we-get-engaged.html ]. You don't need to work out all the details about how many kids, when, or what their names will be but if one of you wants children and the other is opposed, your marriage will be in trouble from the start. Your desire - or his - might change after you're married, but you'd be foolish to go into marriage expecting it to change. That's the bad news.
The good news is that I'm impressed with your mature approach and insight. Children are not something to be taken lightly. They are not some kind of fashion accessory you get to make people jealous of what a nice family you have. There is never a real good time to have children, any more than there is a real good time to get married.
Having children is a generous, unselfish act. Children will NEVER pass any kind of cost-benefit analysis. (Thinking of children in this ledger sheet, bottom line, management philosophy, approach is the only criticism I can make of your post.) They will take away your "things", your time, your personal comfort, and your relationship.
Having children, like marriage itself, is an act of faith and unconditional commitment. I think the best way to describe children is a "stewardship". Yeah, those are church-y words but I don't know any good synonyms. They are something inherently valuable, just because they are people, but you have the opportunity to maximize that value or squander it. They aren't a "gift" you can keep forever, nor something that you "own" in any sense. Eventually you must give them up to be themselves, hopefully with the satisfaction that they will be a benefit to mankind in general. Children are a significant way to give of yourself to society, for better or worse.
You seem to already have some understanding of all these things - I admire that! If, in your heart of hearts, you can not bring yourself to raise children then you should probably not have children. Your husband must understand this and agree with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): Hello there. I think this is all a question of accepting your beloved as he is. If you are able to consider of "sacrifying" your feelings about this subject for him, shouldn't he do the same for you? Accept motherhood if you wish it in your heart, and not just because what the others say. This is the kind of doubt that can later on put an end to a marriage. I just think you feel insecure about this subject and that you have plenty of time to decide about it later. Don't rush - enjoy your youth to open way in your carreer, and try to explain to your boyfriend that if he really loves you, he should be prepared for the fact that you might never change your idea about this subject. If he really loves you, he will be there for you, just as you are trying to be there for him now.Don't accept to base your future relation upon this kind of promiss.Imagine several future "Scenes" that could come out from your different decisions of today - you will surely find your best solution.Be happy :) Base your relations upon deep friendship. Believe yourself.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): Oh Sweetie.... You are in a pickle aren't you? I am the mother of 2 little monkeys, that I love with all my heart. But, being a mother is something you either want to be, or not to be... You can't make yourself have those feeling... but I must say, when it is your child destroying your room, or pooping on you, it is soooo different than it just being your niece.
I know you love your fiance, but if you don't want children and he does, this marriage will not work. The want for a child goes down to the soul, it isn't something that will not go away for your fiance. As the years pass you may find yourself wanting children, but then again you may not, and that is perfectly normal.
You wanted to know some of the positive aspects of being a parent... Well, here are a few that I feel are the most important. You have someone that loves you so very unconditionaly, and as the years go on they will be there for you when you need them, just like you were there for them when you chaged there nasty diapers.
Kids are hard work... but the pay off is so worth it at the end of the day. I hope this helps you somewhat... Best of luck Sweetie!!
~The GabberJack
...............................
|
