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female
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anonymous
writes: I have just discovered that my partner has been on the internet using chat rooms and also e-mails other woman. I asked him about it, he said he only did it for a bit of fun, and said he wouldn't do it anymore. He left his computer on and was logged into his e-mail a/c I checked out his e-mail and he is still contacting other woman and he even signs off with his own name. We have been together 9 years and get on really well.Should I be worried about this, am I losing him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2006): Seems there's a lack of trust going on here. He told you a lie. You checked up on his email. There is sometimes a need in our busy and complicated lives to chat with "anonymous" people, and thank goodness we have the tech. to do so; but if we are in a relationship, it shouldn't be secretive. If done secretively, I believe that person is looking for something that may be lacking in his/her present life. Open discussions are needed!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2006): No, I wouldn't jump the gun and specifically say, you are losing him. But you do need to know 'what' he chats to these women about. Next time, he's online with his women friends, sit down beside him and see how he reacts. If he's got nothing to hide, he shouldn't worry about you seeing his conversations with his friends. Watch his reactions and reponses, hun. Actions say so much about. Until you know for sure, no one can tell you whether you should worry or not. We all have the right to have friends and social contacts...male or female. If you've read the e-mails, seen the chatroom conversations, then you need to gauge your concerns that way. Some people do have chatroom buddies (male and/or female) and it really is all innocent and 'fun'. But the big red flag in all this, is the fact he lied to you by saying he'd stop contact with these female friends and he hasn't, yet. He did that just to appease your hurt feelings..it was a smokescreen. I'm wonderin "why' he didn't just reassure you, that these women are simply online friends, only..nothing more. I would sit him down and calmly set out some boundries by telling him you won't tolerate lying and dishonesty in your relationship with him, first. Then tell him you want to know what's being said because the trust between you both is 'wavering', due to his lying. Then after that, base your decisions about how you want to proceed, based on the context of his conversations.
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A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (20 April 2006):
 I think anytime a partner is doing something that causes you to be distressed, then you should worry. If you have asked him to stop and he hasn't then there is probably more going on than he wants you to know. Emotional affairs are getting a lot of publicity right now, and the evidence suggests that it may be harder to stop than a physical affair, because typically real feelings are involved. If I were you I would ask for full access to all chat room memberships and passwords, if there is nothing to hide then it will be easy for him to share this information with you, if he is all of the sudden screaming about needing his privacy then you know something is up. In these cases often times a couple will need to under go some kind of couples counseling and often times individual counseling to get over everything. I wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, Gryphon +, writes (20 April 2006):
 Hello Anonymous,While I can't answer this for certain because every man is different at heart, I think the thing to focus on is what kind of chatting and emailing is he doing? Coming from a background where most of my friends are female, I chat and converse with them regularly simply out of friendship. If his emails and chats are more romantic in nature - then I would start asking him questions like: "Why?", "Is there something you're missing in our relationship?" etc. Ironically, men are nearly as needy in a relationship as women are stereotyped as being but men have a much harder time of discussing their needs and/or problems. In short - I think your interpretation of the content is the key to knowing where he is trying to go with these 'cyber relationships'. Hope this offers some help.Best of luck,~Jake~
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2006): Yes you should be worried about this. It means he's enjoying a secret life. It happened to me. One day he'll talk to someone interesting and they'll discover they have things in common, then they'll talk more then meet and then wham, He will cover his secret up until you discover it and you will feel more pain than you can imagine. He'll tell you he's sorry of course, but you will hurt for a long time.Tell him you feel like injecting some fizz into your lives, tell him you want to talk and do things together more, reinvent your relationship but make it very clear that what he is doing isn't just a bit of fun. (It doesn't mean you are losing him it means he's losing himself )
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