A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help! I'm so fed up of it- My boyfriend treats me like some sort of slave! I do work part time and because he works full time its like no amount of work I do is ever good enough. I take care of the home and literally everything to do with it, our house is like a cafe for him, I do the weekly shopping, go in and pay the bills when theyr due, I do all the cleaning, tidying, hoovering, washing up, hoovering etc, and I am always the one getting up and going out to the shop if we need anything, my partner comes home from work and unless its directly related to him, he sits there until its time to go to bed, and whatever hasn't been handed to him he will ask for when I get up so I spend the evening fetching and carrying for him, I feel like I have to do more because I work part-time, but its got to the stage where he's gone way over and above fairness, for example I went away on sat all day to help my family and wasn't back until late, (he works mon-fri) He had done nothing in the house, quite the opposite, where he had made himself breakfast lunch and dinner the whole side was covered dishes, glasses and cuttlery to wash up - left for me to do. I asked him if he would do the shopping and he didn't. I've got a lot to do today myself, but I have also got a big mess to clean up from the weekend and the day I wasn't even here. If he makes himself lunch for work he leaves everything he's used for me to clean. There's always stuff to do in this house, even at weekends I don't get a break, but he makes damn sure he does.I just don't feel like I am doing anything wrong but he treats me like I am, I've talked to him but he does it anyway. What makes me want to scream is the fact that there is never a week goes by where he isn't talking about what a good man he is. He's not young, so I feel he's set in his ways. I don't want to feel like I have to be someone's mother half my time and then on their request turn in a sex loving hoar for them in the bedroom. I really want to be treated fairly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2011): RedAthena is spot on here, except that I would not even discuss it with him. Say very little but make what you do say count. Explaining it to him is useless and disempowering for you. As long as he pretends he doesn't understand (and he is pretending) the status quo will continue. Since actions speak louder than words I suggest you simply incorporate whatever changes YOU can make independent of him. For starters, stop fetching things for him. Next time he asks simply say 'I've done enough fetching.' AND LEAVE IT AT THAT. Do not get sucked into a conversation about it, regardless of what he says or how obnoxious he may be. Only go to the shops for things you need. You're going to have to accept that you'll still do most if not all of the housecleaning. Not because you should but because you want a clean home and he won't do it. So do only those things that you benefit from.You've been waiting for his blessing before making changes. You don't need it and you won't get it. Remind yourself of this; things would be no different if he were the one working part time. Even if you feel guilty, don't let him see it. As long as he thinks you care about being 'fair' he will have you over a barrel. As much as you want a clean home, and I can understand this as I myself am an obsessive clean freak, it is ok to leave a mess now and while you go out and have fun. FUN. Remember that? Dirty dishes, dirty laundry, dust, errands, chores...will all patiently wait for you.
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 Just because you do not work as much as him in a PAID position, does not mean he is less responsible for himself.
If you want him to participate more in the housekeeping-STOP doing it all.
No one takes advantage of you without YOUR permission.
Lay out what you are willing to do, and what you will always be responsible for. Then consistently follow thru with it. MEAN it.
Now, you are home more, so be realistic that your home duties are NOT going to be 50-50. He does need to pick up after himself, and you are going to have to do a few more things on a regular basis than he does.
If his lack of help is going to be a dealbreaker and you can not see yourself living with it, then you will need to end the relationship. You can ASK a man to change, but you can not DEMAND it.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 August 2011):
 If you want to be treated fairly then you need to leave.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (1 August 2011):
 Tell him how you feel and then stand by your words. Don't clean after him, let him do it himself. Take care of only your messes and let him clean his. Just because he works a lot doesn't mean he can't handle responsibility at home. Don't let him tell you to do anything and if he does, you make sure he gets it himself. If he doesn't change soon, or isn't willing to change, then it's time to find a man who acts like a responsible adult.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (1 August 2011):
 Hi,
I know exactly how you feel, my ex was just like him, and I've been together for 8 years, hoping that he'll change, come to his senses, maybe if I continue to be nice, he'll realize and be nice to me... Well, nothing change at all... I worked full time, his whole pay check he used to give to his mom, so basically I was not only taking care of him, his needs, but all the bills, cleanning, paying his cars, paying everything. I was a maid, the account, the slave, the sex provider, everything... For 8 years I was hoping he would change, he never did, so I left. Stupid me, thought he would miss me, realize what an amazing human being I was to him, and thought he would beg on his knees to come back? WRONG!!!!! When I called to ask when I could pick up my furniture, appliances that I paid with my own, he said what things??? Disgusting!!
Hopefully, things will work out for you, because all men are not equal. People are not perfect, some make mistakes and do change for the better, so you still have a chance. Hopefully, by the grace of God, he will change and realize how lucky he's to have you in his life...
Good luck!
Good luck!
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