A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner works evenings, and he finishes work at midnight. I'm usually still up when he gets home around 12.15 and we go to bed shortly afterwards. Now, I get up around 9am (unless I am at university for the early lecture, then we both get up at 8am). However, my partner usually stays in bed until at least noon, sometimes later. I do understand that he finishes work late, but getting up in the afternoon means he spends 12 hours a day in bed. I'm getting tired of sitting around the house on my own all morning for hours at a time. I want to go out, do things, but we don't. He gets out of bed, has something to eat, and then a couple of hours later he goes back to work. (He works four shifts of 8 hours a week and one half shift of 4 hours). I work two nights a week and also am a full time student (and I have a chronic pain and fatigue condition) yet I manage to get out of bed when we go to bed together at the same time. Am I being too harsh here? Or is 12 hours in bed every day excessive? It's really starting to get to me that he is never around.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2018): He works shitty hours to support you and you actually have the nerve to complain he is tired from work so he sleeps?You need to grow up you have no idea how hard he works...he has a right to sleep.When my hubby worked those same hours he also slept till noon.When he got his shift changed he kept more normal sleep time.You should pack a bag and leave.He deserves a woman not a whiney little girl.Boy do you have alot to learn about life....unreal.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 February 2018):
 Does he sleep when he gets to bed? I work evening (4pm - 12am) and I must admit it is tough getting out of bed in the morning, mainly because it is hard to get to sleep for a few hours once I get home from work, I chill in bed and watch some tv or read a book. So basically what am asking is he actually sleeping twelve hours each day? If he is then maybe he should take a trip to the doctor to make sure everything is okay. If you are getting tired of sitting around then don't do it. Go meet friends, find hobbies and enjoy your day. Don't use your boyfriends sleeping habits as an excuse! It is his choice when he gets out of bed, if you are not happy being with him because of his routine then it might be best that you end things. Because you should never try and change someone. I know it would be difficult for me to get up in the morning and do activites because it is draining working until midnight.
You should not compare yourself to him. Also just because you think you have a busier schedule doesn't mean he is any less or more tired than you. I feel you are being harsh, if he is not who you want to be with then end things, don't expect him to change. You both have very different routines. From the time I get home and read and have 8 quality hours sleep I am probably in bed for more than 10 hours, but my husband is on the same shift so again it works for us both. If it is bothering you this much it sounds like this might not be the relationship for you.
If you don't feel like you are both a couple then maybe there is more issues than him relaxing in bed? Do you not do things at the weekend together?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2018): Thanks for your replies. It's currently just after 3pm and he's still in his bed. The problem is not that I don't do anything because I do. I go to a reading club once every two weeks and I go out places once a month or so with friends. On top of that I go to work and university. I don't want us to be joined at the hip....I just want to actually be a couple, because right now we're not. Today I feel like just packing a bag and leaving.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2018): Some people just aren't morning people, I hate getting up before midday and never enjoy mornings. Evening work is often exhausting as well, I would probably do the same as him.
Can you not compromise and go out places on his days off and do stuff together then? You don't need to do something every single day together?
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (23 February 2018):
He doesn't leave himself much time to enjoy and engage in life. Or to spend time with you.
He likely suffers from depression. The internet is a great resource for researching this. I just checked and "depression in bed all day" brings up 18 million links! It won't take you long to learn about this and judge for yourself whether he is so affected. If that's the problem, there may be a fix. I have a friend who suffers from depression and he told me recently that he's taking a new medication which has helped him greatly.
Have you informed him of your disappointment with his sleeping habits? If it appears he does suffer from depression, is he open to properly dealing with it?
Once he understands your disappointment with this situation (which is likely now) I'd give him no more than two months to start making a solid attempt to deal with this, no matter whether or not depression is involved. If he remains in bed and does nothing to fix the situation, that is a major sign of disrespect to you as well as himself. At that point you need to get him out of your life...for your own benefit and self-respect.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 February 2018):
 Who says YOU can't get up and GO OUT and do things on your own?
Honestly? That is what I would do. Maybe he will realize that getting up earlier means he get to DO these things with you.
While I DO love to sleep in on weekends (though it rarely happens) if I want to DO things, I get up and get at it. If my husband wants to sleep in longer (as he goes to bed later than me usually) I'm fine with that. We aren't glued to each other's hips.
Now you can TELL him when he gets home (before you two go to bed) that tomorrow you want to do XYZ and get up around *insert time* and if he wants to join that would be great. IF he doesn't then DO NOT sit at home and mope. Get out there and DO those things, see those places etc. HE will be the one missing out.
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