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female
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*eeDee
writes: Dear Cupid, My question I think is a bit complex. I have been married for 26 years, and 10 years ago my partner had an affair with a woman he worked with. We have 6 children and they were young at the time of the affair. Throughout our married life I have paid for almost everything, while he built a healthy bank balance. My mother died when I was 22 and my father passed away 5 years ago and recently, 4 days after Christmas last year, my 44 year old sister passed away. I have always been there for everyone in my family unit and believed I was doing my best. Anyway, I left my partner in February this year, not because I didn't love him but because he has an insatiable love of putting money before his family, and putting his family down. I love my 6 children with all my heart and my partner says I am making them turn out to be losers because I help them with practically everything. My boys have been in trouble with the law and he blames me for that because when they get locked up I always visit them to show I care. He says I shouldn't. Anyway my partner was treating me worse and worse as each day came and went, so I left to try and hopefully make him realise how much he has hurt me. Within a fortnight of me leaving, he came and told me he was going to buy a house for me but he could not do that unless my name was taken off the deeds of the house we currently owned in joint names. I was under so much stress I did as he asked. He bought me a house but it was put in his name. He has a substantial amount of money in the bank of which I have none. I am living in poverty and he lives the high life. All our married life he has never taken on the responsibility of supporting his family financially. He has it all and I have nothing. The funny thing is why do I want him back so bad?? I love him so much it hurts and I can't believe why he treats our 26 years together as nothing. Can you please help?? I hope this question is not too long. thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2005): I do believe that there is simply a point of “no return” in some relationships, when you’ve experienced so much hurt, disappointment, and rejection that you "really' should no longer feel anything for your husband. But you still care for him-I also have to ask, why are you allowing this man to use you like a doormat, woman? He has an affair on you, he hordes all family assets and finances, he's mad because you visit your incarcerated kids, he's now managed to get your name off the house deed (are you nuts?). That home is 1/2 yours. You need to begin to get strong and start looking out for yourself, financially. The financial implications of divorce and separation are perhaps the most serious aspect of any or all separations/divorces. It not only affects your standard of living but may impact any children you have living with you (if any are at home, with you and are minors) This will directly impact on what their needs and long term goals are for the future. He is likely liable for some form of maintenance for any minor children still in the home and perhaps spousal support for you. If he's been hording money all these years that you earned...put up a fight for it! No matter how much you love this man-you need to retain a good family lawyer to fight for your rights & all the assets you and your husband accumulated, in this marriage. Your husband knows that everything..and I mean 'everything'..you and he built together over 26 years meaning, properties, savings accounts, retirement funds, household belongings, etc, etc-all of it..you are entitled to one-half of it. He knows this, hun. Your husband is playing with your emotions and using your love for him, to his advantage. He's already gotten you to sign your rights to the house, away. When a couple separate, you never, never sign an legal contract with an ex unless you have a lawyer look at it.
Remember, after the dissolution of a marriage, a man's financial situation is only moderately affected whereas most women experience a significant decrease in their financial standing--a substantial portion end up in poverty. All the more reason to visit a lawyer and possibly a financial planner. And once you get that lawyer in place, start to heal and recover from this. Focus on yourself, personal growth, and self care. Put yourself on top for a change. Realize that-you will get stronger as time goes on..remember all you need is time but please, be wise to him and what he may be doing to you.
Take Care,
Irish
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 October 2005):
 You need to get yourself to a lawyer ASAP. You won't get your husband back (which is probably a good thing) but you will get all the financial compesation that is coming to you. I think once the dust settles you'll have your self-respect back and the dignity you deserve.
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