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female
age
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anonymous
writes:I have lived with my partner for around 5 years. My daughter (now 24) lived with me....(or between my ex husband and her b/f's parents) She never paid any board money and rarely did any housework. (but that's my fault for letting her).We often "fell out" but always made up...but this time when we had a big row, and she was screaming at me , my partner got involved (it is his house we live in) and told her to move her belongings out.A few days later she did this and moved to her b/f's parents and her dad's. My daughter and I are still talking, but i feel resentful of my partner for doing this. I can't stop crying and have been taking anti depressants for almost 3 weeks now. I feel like I've let my daughter down big time. People she knows are blanking me.I still have my own house , which i rent out and am tempted to move back after giving notice. My partner and I have a business together, but I am also thinking of looking for another job too.I keep getting a sense of doom about me and cry a lot. I am also finding it hard getting up in the morning and have weird feelings in my chest. I love my daughter and really want her to come first..even before my partner. But there is more to it (work, living arrangements etc). and I know that she wouldn't be with me forever anyway. But i feel so guilty and so sad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2016): I think you are right to be upset about this. You might ask your partner to apologize to your daughter. An apology isn't the same as inviting her to live there again - she probably doesn't want to anyway after what happened. However, it will hopefully smooth things over a bit so everyone (including you) can heal. In the case that he isn't willing to apologize when this is clearly very important to you and is very distressing for you, you may want to rethink your relationship with him.
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female
reader, Name  +, writes (21 April 2016):
First of all one thing I always say is family first and your daughter should be more important than any partner. You can always find a partner but not another daughter like yours. You should talk with your daughter about what happend and anything else to break the ice.
It was nice you let he stay with you but maybe it was also time for her to start growing out side of your home and start paying bills and getting in the feeling of all that good stuff.
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reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 April 2016):
 Okay first off you need to concentrate on you and getting yourself better, if this means finding a new job and going back to your house well then you should do that. If you feel your partner is not good for you then you should leave. You should tell your daughters about your depression, and spend as much time with them as you can. You should ask your partner to get some anger management if he is going to throw things at your children. Now depression is hard to overcome and you have done the right thing to go to the doctor. But remember not to make it all about you and how hard your life is, what about your children? Am sure they want their mother. If she was not doing house work or pulling her weight you should have told her as her mother. If your partner threw her out you should have spoke about it as a couple. You should have went after your daughter to see if she was okay when your partner threw something at her car.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2016): i'm not making excuses for anyone. i'm saying it as it is and how i'm feeling. i have a lot going on in my life. i have been told by my doctor not to do anything at the moment and i am trying to get stronger.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 April 2016):
 See what I mean ?...
You seem to miss the point . You keep minimizing, and making excuses for your partner.... the rock was small.... the car was not moving...
Look, clearly he was not pelting her window with little pebbles like a lover tryng to wake up softly his sleeping beloved .
It's the intention that counts in these cases, and the intention was aggressive , threatening and unacceptable.. He was out of control- he came out after her when she was already leaving. He was cursing at her and stirred himself up in a foam to the point that he grabbed the first thing he found, which happened to be a small rock. I do not believe for a second that he was sifting rocks to find the " proper ", not dangerous size ,to throw . Luckily he got hold of a small rock; but if it had been , say, a discarded flat iron laying around , he could have thrown that- And the car was not moving, ... but your daughter had clearly signaled her intention to leave and was on the brink of leaving, ... so how could he know that she would not going to start her car WHILE he was throwing ? ... How did he know for sure, that he was only going to hit the rear bumper and not a windshield- had he stopped to calculate the throw ?...
My point is... my point is : pfui !
You just don't throw things at people .
You don't throw things at people even if you are mad at them, unless you have to defend yourself from a physical assault.
It's an undefendable, unjustifiable act.
And most of all... it is, or it should be , unjustifiable by the MOTHER of the person who got attacked.
Now, you may say : well, that's just your opinion, I don't feel that way, I feel that my partner was justified because this and that.
Sure, that's only my opinion, and you are surely entitled to have yours and I do not assume I can teach you how to think.
All I am saying is, as long as you find excuses for a man who threatens physical damage to your child, (- and the threat is enough, he does not need to harm her for real ) you can't expect that said child takes it in stride, and says , ok well, never mind , let me go buy a box of chocolates for Mother's Day. She can only see this as you siding up with a man who'd have no qualms hurting her , ergo as you choosing him over your own daughter. Which is not the best place to start from if you do care having some sort of relationship whatsoever with said daughter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2016): yes, i did omit some information. The police did come but it wasn't about the stone (as that was a tiny bit of slate, that bounced off her bumper while she wasn't moving) it was about the handle of her car door, which the police said was not damaged, just slightly loose. and we had to pay the bill - the handle was like that anyway. so she had scored one up...in a way.i am willing to pay just to end all the upset of this. Even the police said, it would do her good to stand on her own feet.Whatever happens, my daughters are still my daughters and i love them and my grandson. my 2 daughters won't have anything to do with my family (mother or sisters) so potentially i am right in the middle of everything. I can't take my grandson to see his great grandmother because of a family argument last september. i just want some peace
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 April 2016):
I remember your previous post and I must say that you omitted some details in absence of which the picture is not complete.
Yes, of course it's your partner's house and he gets to decide who lives there, and if the cohabitation becomes unpleasant or impossible, he can show the door to any unwanted guest. Plus, anyway your daughter is 24, and has two different places where she can stay, it's not as if she is going to be homeless.
BUT ...let's consider that the parting of ways happened after a discussion between you and her, where he had no business to interfere anyway, and that when your daughter ( who must be quite a handful ,I do not doubt it ) was leaving in a huff , your partner went after her cursing and threw a rock at your daughter's car ( with her inside the car ). Apparently also causing a dent or something , - for which the police has been called in,by the other sister if I remember well, right ?
You already know how I see it, and, forgive me, maybe it's the Italian mom in me which so many years of USA could not suppress, but, like, Whaaat ? ...
No man in the world can go around stoning my kids . EVEN if the kid had done something real bad, but much less so when the whole hollabaloo was about some silly argument about missing family birthday parties or stuff like that.
Physical threats ( which did not end very badly only because your man's aim is not good ! ) are WAY crossing boundaries.
Now you are there crying and wringing your hands and
" resenting " your partner. Well, of course you resent him !. What would you want to do, send him a thank-you note ?...
Sorry, I realize that life is complicated and in your case , for instance, is not just about feelings , but also about the fact that you live in HIS house, and share a business and an income with him etc. . I am not saying it's not a difficult situation, or that you aren't between a rock and a hard place.
But you asked a question , and I answer my answer : your daughter first. Why ? Because she is your daughter, for f..k'sake !, whether she is naughty or nice. Btw, from what you said it does not seem that the relationship with your daughters is Beyond repair, it sort of sounds like the youngee, at least, ... is just having a protracted teen rebellion. But, if you have in mind to mend your relationship with her,you won't make that easier by being wifey-wifey lovey-dovey with a guy who assaulted her !
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reader, miss frank +, writes (21 April 2016):
Hi. I am concerned for the physical symptoms you are having- felling of doom, sadness, crying and chest pains which I believe are a physical manifestation of your significant depression. Please go back to your Dr for review- three weeks isn't quite long enough to know if they will work for you just yet....bit in my opinion you ate significantly depressed and anxious.Your family dynamic sounds complex. This hasn't come out of the blue by the sounds of it...she is a grown up woman and sounds like she's wanting a free ride and I a bit of a taker,aube difficult personality and definately there are huge difficulties in the relationship dynamics all round....it could well be her not living with you will strengthen your relationship with her, but I cant help bit wonder why you are focusing sp much on your partner and changing so much in regard to your ties with him? Do you want your relationship to end with him?
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 April 2016):
 Why do you feel guilty? You let her stay with you for free for 5 years. And, it wasn't you who kicked her out, it was your partner. I remember my step-dad kicked me out of my MOTHERS house when I was 14. So if you ask me, your daughter gets no pity. Your boyfriend kicked your grown-up daughter out of HIS house, and he has every right to. She needs to learn that when you're an adult, you can't behave like a child. Either you treat people with respect for allowing you to live there for free, or you can PAY YOUR OWN DAM APARTMENT.
That was my two scents. But of course it's not a happy situation to be in, of course it feels terrible, but this is life. Some times, life is shitty. Then it gets better. Me and my step-dad became good friends years later, after I had grown up and lived on my own for several years. I still think kicking me out at 14 was a bad thing to do for an adult, but life goes on and people do move on. Now, your daughter is an adult, and she will be fine!
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