A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My BF and I have been together for just over 5 years. In that time we have had a lot of ups and downs, partly due to him still sorting out the legal side of his divorce with his ex wife and worrying about what he would lose in the divorce. During our time together he has been quite verbally abusive and he has also walked out on me once when I was having a hard time. He has also been kind to me, generous and loving. It is sometimes like he has two sides to his personality. We split up for a bit then started seeing each other, just meeting up to go for a walk and a chat and so on. I still love him but am angry for some of the stuff he has done. My friends and my grown up daughters say I should just move on and forget him. He was the love of my life and we had a sort of connection that was strong and deep. Do you think this is a waste of time. Are my friends and daughters right in saying that once a relationship has had these problems and the man has behaved badly that it is doomed and stupid to try again, or is it possible to repair it and try again. I'm quite confused as I still feel sad if i dont see him and i miss him a lot but he does still have his issues. Im not sure what to do. I wondered what other people think about salvaging relationships and when do we decide that too much has happened and not bother to try again. I would like to try again but I know it won't be easy.I would really be glad of some advice or comments. Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): honest babe I was in the exact same situation you sound like me.We stayed together for 2.5 years and decided to go seperate ways it was hard but it's been almost 2 months I miss him some times but time heels all wounds,you sound sweet and he sounds like my ex way too much baggage to be in a serious relationship he verbally abusive to you because he's not happy with him self and it's so obvious.I just can't get over how are stories are so similar,remember it's your choice do whats best for yourself,hell always blame you for his faults.good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): I hear you. That feeling ov wanting someone so much even tho u know their bad 4 u. U cant always choose who u fall in love with. I still love & miss my ex ov 6yrs but i respect myself enuf to know that i deserve beta than pain & tears. My point is that love shuld neva be that hard or confusing. If he loved u then he wuldnt abuse or hurt u. U sound like a good woman so u shuld hav no trouble finding a decent man whom u can be happy with. Goodluck in life & love.
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A
female
reader, Harmony1st  +, writes (7 April 2009):
Your friends and daughters are only looking out for your best interest here. You have been with this person for 5 years and are making up excuses for his behaviour. No matter what a person is going through it does not justify treating someone who they love with disrespect. Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot you can do about your situation unless he is willing to change. Has your boyfriend identified he has an issue with being verbally abusive? Also if he is walking out does he admit to not being supportive?Unless he is willing to change, you will be going through the same things over and over again. It takes two people to make a relationship work and if your the one who is putting in all the effort nothing will change and you will eventually give up.I wouldn't take this person back unless they are willing to work on themselves and the relationship by seeking counselling.The most important thing for you to do right now is to focus inward on yourself and look at doing what makes you happy. Be kind to yourself and Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): These are age old questions and there is no right answer. Most people will tell you to move on if you broke up with someone, but many long and lasting marriages have gone through a few 'trial runs' with break ups along the way. What you should look for is after you got back together was the relationship deeper and stronger, or did the same old issues keep happening over and over again.
The biggest problem here is that you say he is verbally abusive....if this is a pattern with him, then I don't think you would be wise to pursue this relationship. Living with abuse that is verbal is very psychologically damaging....maybe this is him and why his wife left him in the divorce! You don't want to live like this. With abusers there is always a honeymooon stage where he lures you in with sweetness and love, and then the hammer hits and he is abusive again only to make up with you, lure you back in to do it all over again....this is the pattern of abusers. He needs help if he has these kinds of issues and he needs to work those out on his own without you....so until he does this kind of work on himself, I wouldn't be pursuing anything with him and I would look elsewhere for the loving, supporting relationship that you deserve. You sound like a caring, giving woman to have stood by him through his divorce, you did not get the outcome you were hoping for, but that is OK, you don't have anything to feel guilty for, you gave it your best...
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A
female
reader, Mariela  +, writes (7 April 2009):
 I think your friends and daughter are right that guy is not worth you time no matter how mych love you have for him... maybe he is verbally abusive now he could bercome physically later in the future and be worst...sdo i think you should not be with him its for your best interest.,...
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A
female
reader, HPC11 +, writes (7 April 2009):
 The first thing I'm going to say is if someone is abusive you shouldn't stay with them. But if you really want to make this work I suggeest counselling. Because if he is sorting out his problems badly and using you as a scape goat counselling is the only way to channel it in a healthy way. : )
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